[after pushing the button, which causes Squidward's house sit on top of Squidward] We did it, Patrick! [Squidward busts through from beneath the floor] President Squidward?
Squidward[calmly] No-no, don't say anything more. This was all my fault. I was the one who wanted to relax on Sunday. Now, if you'll be so kind as to leave... [SpongeBob and Patrick walk out the door] ...so I can get ready for work tomorrow?
Squidward
Shush.
Squidward
[savagely yells loudly; echoing] GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! [SpongeBob and Patrick get blown away; sees an angry mob] Huh?
[angrily pointing at Squidward] THERE HE IS!
ARAngry resident fish
Are you the owner of this house?
Squidward
[angrily] Yes! Yes, I am!
ARAngry resident fish
Then on behalf the citizens of Bikini Bottom, I present you with this summons to pay for the destruction of our town. [hands Squidward the summons] You'll be doing community service every Sunday for the rest of your life. [walks off]
Squidward
Huh? [twitches his left eye and looks at the camera]
Hey, Squidward, you got one of those, too? [SpongeBob and Patrick walk up with a summons in their hands] This'll be GREAT! The three of us cleaning up Bikini Bottom! Well, see ya next Sunday, President Squidward!
[Squidward flinches lividly as the episode ends]
CCarl
What's our motto here at Krabby O'Mondays?
Squidward
[bored] "Sincere service with a smile."
CCarl
Well yes, but with the Krabby O'Mondays sprit! Now, Squidward, you wouldn't wanna have to talk to human resources. [A big buff fish threatens to punch Squidward from behind the HR door] Would you? So, what's our motto again?
Squidward
[now nervous] Uh...uh. "S-sincere service..." [slaps himself and is now trying to look happy] "...with a smile!"
[The HR fish slides back into his room]
CCarl
Now you're getting it!
Hey, Carl, what have ya done with me restaurant?! Processed Krabby Patties? Computerized registers?!
CCarl
Look around you. Our customers are quite content with the contrived, and the mediocre. [customer falls asleep, snoring]
That's because they don't know what they're eating. [grabs a pile of the gray sludge from the Krabby Patty making machine in the kitchen, then walks up to a customer] 'Scuse me, ma'am. Do you know what's in that Krabby Patty you're eatin'?
[Mr. Krabs shows her a pile of the gray sludge to emphasize his point. The customer gasps, screams at the sight of it and runs out]
See that? Without all your smoke and mirrors, no one would stomach this garbage!
I4Incidental 42
What'd he say? Garbage?
[Customers notice what's in the Krabby Patties and everyone runs out. Mr. Krabs laughs as Carl takes out a book of rules, appears angry.]
CCarl
[annoyed] Eugene, you're in violation of your contract.
Rules! Here's a rule for ya: people can't eat stain glass barstools! [throws barstool into the big screen TV out of rage and takes the cash register to the kitchen] I'll show you automated! [runs off to the kitchen]
CCarl
[calls on his walkie-talkie] Mr. Blandy? Code red! Free thinker!
[Mr. Krabs shoves the cash register in the Krabby Patty making machine]
HBHoward Blandy
Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?
You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground ya walked on, Blandy! But after seein' this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction! Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand, one at a time!
[Cut to the kitchen, where the Krabby Patty machine inflates and about to blow up. Cut back to Mr. Krabs.]
[Krabby O'Monday's begins to shake and make sirens, as Mr. Krabs suddenly notices. Howard and his team suddenly stop, eyes blank. Gray sludge begins to leak out of the kitchen into the main room.]
[The garbage blows up from the kitchen and blows everybody away off the Krabby O'Monday's including the employees. The restaurant blows up and got destroyed. Carl was seen floating away.]
CCarl
Does this mean I won't get that raise, sir?
HBHoward Blandy
[he looks at the restaurant which is destroyed by the gray meat] It's ruined!
FFriend
We'll have to sell it. We'll be lucky if we get a fraction of what we paid for it. [Mr. Krabs drives up with boat full of suitcases]
I'll buy it for full price!
FFriend
Sold. We won't need your contract anymore. [rips off the contract] Nice doing business with you.
Pleasure's all mine. Now get out of me restaurant. [laughs while Howard Blandy and his friends walk away sadly in humiliation, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward] Well, we did it, boys. [puts the hats on them] The Krusty Krab is ours again. Ya know, in that fit of maniacal rage, I may have destroyed the restaurant, scared away all our customers, and forced us into bankruptcy because I returned nearly every penny I sold this stink heap for, but it was all worth it. And, I got back the love of me dear friends.
Squidward
Really, Mr. Krabs?
No, not really. Get back to work! [he hands them Spatula and the Mop. SpongeBob was glad while Squidward was annoyed, leaving Mr. Krabs, who now pushes the key to open the register and ends with dollar signs, ending the episode]
Squidward
[finding out tears form a flood] Oh, that's it! This charade has to end! [storms out of his bed and rushes through the door]
[a door opens, a flood of water splashes all over Squidward and reveals to be a sad SpongeBob]
[tearfully] Hi, Squidward.
Squidward
SpongeBob, this infernal crying has to stop.
But Squidward, I...I broke my laugh box! [sprays a fountain of tears into his face]
Squidward
[puts his tentacle hands over SpongeBob's eyes, stopping the tears] SpongeBob, there's no such thing as a laugh box! I made the whole thing up to get some peace from your insipid laughter!
You mean...my laugh box isn't broken? And it was a cruel lie that sent me into spiraling depression?
Squidward
[taken aback by the revelation] Uhh, well it sounds pretty harsh when you put it that way, but yes.
I could laugh the whole time?
Squidward
Yeah. [SpongeBob begins to laugh again; both laugh] You really fell for it.
Squidward
You even fell for the ol' thermometer in the boiling oil routine. [laughs]
[stops laughing] It's really not that funny, Squidward.
Squidward
It's hilarious!
See ya later, Squidward. [goes into his house]
Squidward
[still laughing] Break your laugh box! What a schlemiel. [his laughter turns to coughing as his sides started aching] yahhhh! [inhales deeply and lets out a long cough, thus losing his laughter, and falls flat to the ground, two paramedics come take him to the hospital]
Whoo-wee, there you boys are. Looks like I'm just in time.
SSSpongeBob/Squidward
Sandy?
One blast of this Molecular Separator Ray and you'll be separated for good.
[SpongeBob and Squidward try to tell Sandy not to blast them, but was too late, she blasts the ray at Squidward and SpongeBob and it separates them. Crowd gasps]
Squidward
[SpongeBob gives him back his clarinet] Hmph. [plays clarinet off-key making SpongeBob cheer for him, but the audience hates it as they block their ears, Old Man Jenkins faints off his chair]
I think I'm going to be sick.
[Squidward blows his clarinet at Billy which blows his skin off and shows his skeleton]
Squidward
Huh, no wait. Wait! [everyone leaves] Oh, my one moment of fame gone. [grabs the Molecular Separator Ray] There's got to be some way to reverse this. [pushes the button over and over]
No, Squidward! That's a very sensitive device!
[The Molecular Separator Ray blasts into the final scene]
TTherapist
[talking to Squidward] So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tentacles?
Squidward
It all started when I was born.
[The camera zooms out revealing SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Mrs. Puff, Larry, and Pearl, all joined into Squidward's body in a horrifying, Cronenbergian mass as the episode ends]
[Towards the end of the episode, Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward wind up in the hospital. Mr. Krabs is alarmed to see at how high their medical bill is]
Squidward
You're not going to have a heart attack, are you?
Not at these prices. Forget hotels, this hospital wreck's where the money is.
Pack your bags, boys, you're going to medical school.
PSPatrick and SpongeBob
Hooray!
Squidward
Oh, boy.
Wait, don't leave! My dad got Boys Who Cry to play! You did get Boys Who Cry, right? [glaring crossed-arms at her dad]
Oh, even better, sweetie. (You're not only the Boys Who Cry fan.) Hit it!
[Curtain unfolds as R & B Music begins to play with Squidward standing on the stage]
Squidward
Hello, ladies. [sings "It's all about you"]' When my tear ducts get issue, I can't use just any tissue... I need 4-Ply, 4-Ply, 4-Ply, when I cry... Huh!
F2Friend 2
Hey, that is not Boys Who Cry!
[Cut to Squidward shaking his rear end]
F1Friend 1
What a rip-off!
Daddy, how could you?! I... gave... you... a list! [runs out crying]
[The crowd throws tomatoes, eggs and Pearl's meat head at Squidward]
You've ruined everything! You couldn't stop being cheap, even for me! [cries]
I'll make it up to you somehow, Pearl.
[suddenly walks into frame] That's it! Back it up... Right there. Let 'er go!
[A delivery truck with all the gifts SpongeBob bought dump onto them]
I did? I mean... I (really) did!?
Oh, daddy! I don't know how it could get better than this.
Just watch. Hit it, boys.
[scene cuts to SpongeBob and Sandy walking toward their boat]
Sandy, I'm sorry I acted like a jerk back there. Thanks for saving me from... [swallows hard] buying a condo.
Aw, shucks, SpongeBob, that's what friends are for.
I still have one question, though. Does this mean I'm not King of Karate anymore?
You are in my book, SpongeBob. You are in my book. Now let me tell you about real estate. It's all about location... [boat drives off as another boat, carrying Squidward, arrives]
Squidward
I'm here! The King of Clarinets has arrived! [Master Udon is waiting on top of the rocks again]
Spatula, what's wrong? [Spat shakes its head] But I didn't mean to betray you. Mr. Krabs needed a replacement. Krabby Patties don't flip themselves, you know. It was a moment of weakness! I'm sorry! Oh, what have I done?! What have I done?! [begins crying and rolls]
S2SpongeBob 2
[comes up] All that glitters is not gold. [goes down]
[SpongeBob is still crying on the floor. Spatula considers this, lowers its head, and wheels itself away]
Good-bye, best friend. [crawls crying all the way to the Krusty Krab kitchen] I'll never find another spatula like him again. [notices Spatula flipping patties by itself] Spatula? You're back! [jumps for Spatula in slow motion, the camera cuts to outer space] Oh, Spatula, now that we're together again, nothing will ever separate us.
[Back at the Krusty Krab]
Squidward
One monster Krabby Patty.
[The same real set of hands put a bunch of meat on the grill as before]
Okay, buddy, we can do this. Ready? One, two, three. [this time, instead of the spatula breaking again, his arms come off] D'oh! [laughs at the audience]
Squidward
[shoves Patrick] Stop pushing me Patrick.
You mean like this? [shoves Squidward]
Squidward
No like this! [shoves Patrick]
[both Patrick and Squidward are fighting] You shouldn't fight in here. This is a magical place.
[Scene zooms to outside the well]
Squidward
Patrick, get off of me! [scene zooms back into the well where Patrick is sitting on Squidward] I told you I am claustrophobic!
Nice try, Squidward, but there's no Santa Claus here.
Squidward
Patrick!
[over the speaker] Good work, guys. Mission accomplished. Now all you have to do is...
Squidward
[pushes Sandy out of the way] Get out of my body! Go!
Grow? [presses the grow button. The alarm starts up]
[The scene becomes a split screen. The left has Sandy, the Middle has Squidward, and the right has SpongeBob]
SSSandy, Squidward, and SpongeBob
[alarmed] No!
BFBusiness fish
Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
BFBusiness fish
Hmmm... that's it! Get outta town!
I won't let you do it! You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town!
SKSquidward and Mr. Krabs
"Patrick"?!
BFBusiness fish
You forgot your flyer. [hands them one of his flyers]
[reading flyer] "GET OUTTA TOWN! ...To beautiful Sunny Shore Resorts!" Look! This guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price!
Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore.
[Rips off his disguise while everyone else is shocked]
Squidward
Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a woman?
Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so.
Squidward
Not so fast! You two little monsters aren't about to ruin my evening!
Oh, we're not here to ruin it, we're here to enhance it! Isn't that right, Pat?
Squidward
[slams the door] Can't a hard working squid get a little TV time alone? [SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly on the couch with him] SpongeBob?! Patrick?! Oh, what's the point?
[While watching the Kelpy G show...]
Uh, Squidward, could you turn it down a little?
Squidward, what's this about?
Squidward, how come he's so emotional?
Squidward
THAT'S IT!!! All I wanted to do was watch some smooth jazz on public television, but apparently, that's not going to happen! Once again, I'm going to have to leave my own home, just to get some peace and quiet! Enjoy my TV! [scoffs; he exits, leaving SpongeBob and Patrick alone as if they don't know what happened]
Oh wait, I think I've seen this before! This part's funny!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
