Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward

Patrick, go be stupid somewhere else.

Narrator

Ah-ah-ah, Squidward, remember what Mr. Krabs says.

The money is always right.

Patrick

The ceiling is right, Squidward. You're not a very good employee.

Barnacle Boy

I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!

SpongeBob

I respect you, Barnacle Man!

That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!

SpongeBob

Evil?

Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]

Mermaid Man

Evil!

I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]

Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]

Dirty Bubble

Did someone say evil?

SpongeBob

Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]

Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]

Mermaid Man

Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]

Mermaid Man

I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.

Squidward

I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. Where are we going, Fancy Springs?

No.

Squidward

Pamper Island?

Try again.

Squidward

Oh, oh, oh! Bikini Bottom Folk Village?

Better than that.

Squidward

Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? Fishing for stinky clams in a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?

Oh, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams, then throw them back. Don't you think that's fun?

Squidward

No.

Squidward

Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward’s nose]

Squidward

Okay, I've had enough.

[laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. Gasps] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob rips Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya!

Oh, no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. Every sailor knows that means death. Hurry, SpongeBob! The music’s getting faster. [opens the door] There you are, you stinking bilge rats. [darts to the trumpeters] STOP PLAYING THAT MUSIC! [to the conductor] STOP IT PLEASE! [to the violinists] I'm begging you! Come on, honey, you can make it! Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!

[holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner.

I trusted you. And you give me this?! I can't believe me old crew would betray me like this. [sobs]

Squidward

No. Uh-uh. No. We will not be swayed by tears any more.

I see. Then, I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.

Squidward

You're kidding.

SpongeBob

Whoo! Is it another fishing trip?

No, it's this sandwich.

SpongeBob

Squidward, he has lost something near, and dearer at him, haven’t you-

Squidward

Look again.

[Laughs as he plays jumprope with his eyes]

SpongeBob

You’re right. How do we get out of here?

Squidward

If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.

SpongeBob

Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, but then start screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up; Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat]

[angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [sobs] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.

Squidward

You're crazy. If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?

[dressed up as a conductor] Ohh, he'll come. [taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the live-action orchestra and begins to play the 4/4 string ostinato in D minor; SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in terror]

Squidward

Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind! [Mr. Krabs laughing maniacally while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line; Squidward screams] Get us out of here!

Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar!

SpongeBob

Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [a tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?

Squidward

Yes, why couldn't it have been you? [sobbing]

SpongeBob

Why did he have to go like this, why? [crying]

Squidward

Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot? [both sob loudly]

Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop sobbing]

Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon]

Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]

SpongeBob

Wow, how did you get it back?

It wasn't easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.

SpongeBob

What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm]

Nothing important. [laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look shocked]

SpongeBob

Good morning, pineapple! [plays the bugle to wake Gary up] Good morning, Gary! [pats Gary's shell]

Squidward

Snelly's a purebred.

Patrick

Wow, a snail made out of bread.

Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! [Gary's other eye explodes] Oops, make that two, folks.

SpongeBob

Uhh, Gary?

: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.

SpongeBob

[getting worried] Umm, Gary, you can stop now!

He's losing control!

SpongeBob

You can take a break now if you want to, Gary!

He's spinning out of control! [crowd gasps] He's heading straight for the wall!

SpongeBob

No! [two firemen come up and extinguish the smoke. Squidward laughs] Hold on, Gary, I'm coming! [runs onto the track]

Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen.

Squidward

Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!

SpongeBob

[runs up to Gary, crying] Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!?!

Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

You did? [cries more] Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!

Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

You did? [cries some more] Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!

Squidward

I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]

Patrick

Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.

Squidward

Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...TORTELLINI?! Will I ever win?

Sandy

[angrily] That's for yesterday, SquarePants!

Patrick

[walks into the Krusty Krab] Good morning, Krusty Krew!

SpongeBob

[pokes his head out of the kitchen window, shouts] Hey, Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?!

Patrick

[shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!

SpongeBob

Are you ready to go crazy?!

Patrick

I'm already hearing voices!

SpongeBob

Are you ready to...?!

Squidward

[angrily yelling] SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! DO YOU MIND?!

SpongeBob

Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick! I think some people are eavesdropping!

Patrick

Well, how rude of some people!

SpongeBob

Wait just a burger-flipping second!

The Flying Dutchman

[turns around angrily] Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?!?!

SpongeBob

That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. [While SpongeBob speaks, Mr. Krabs is happy at SpongeBob's words]

The Flying Dutchman

He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.

SpongeBob

I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.

The Flying Dutchman

You got yourself a bet. [to Mr. Krabs] Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?

That depends. How much money we talking about?

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs!

The Flying Dutchman

[shows some coins] 62 cents.

I'll take the money.

SpongeBob

MR. KRABS!!!!!

The Flying Dutchman

Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]

[runs to Squidward, happy] Look, Squidward, money!

Squidward

Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents!!??

You think I could've gotten more?

Squidward

He stuck up for you, and you sold him out. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!

Squidward

Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life! [does so]

No!

SpongeBob

Don't run! Sea bears hate that!

Squidward

Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then. [does so]

No!

SpongeBob

They hate limping more than running!

Squidward

[offscreen] Well, I guess I'll just have...

SpongeBob

I should have warned you about crawling!

Squidward

[offscreen] What'd I do that time?!

SpongeBob

I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!

Patrick

Pretend to be somebody else!

SpongeBob

Here, draw a circle! [tosses Squidward the stick]

Squidward

[offscreen] Okay!

SpongeBob

That was an oval! It has to be a circle!

Squidward

Move over! [gets inside the circle; the sea bear comes up to Squidward in the circle, then notices the circle itself below before snarls as it points a threatening claw at him, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]

SpongeBob

Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.

Squidward

What attracts them?

Patrick

The sound of a sea bear attack. [a sea rhinoceros appears, snorting]

SpongeBob

Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Squidward?

Squidward

Huh?

SpongeBob

So. Patrick's the Strangler. Gee, you think you know a guy...

Tattletale Strangler

He's not the strangler!

SpongeBob

He's not?

Tattletale Strangler

[rips off the fake mustache] I am!

SpongeBob

Hey, how did you do that without a shaving cream?

Tattletale Strangler

Oh, it's a fake, you idiot! I bought it at the party store!

Squidward

Did somebody say "party"?

Tattletale Strangler

I can't take it!

SpongeBob

[runs after him] Wait, bodyguard, I need protection! [the Strangler gets into a taxi]

Tattletale Strangler

Step on it! I'm being chased by a maniac! [SpongeBob chases after the taxi]

SpongeBob

I'm not safe! Come back! D-ohh! [taxi goes to the Bikini Bottom Airport and an airplane takes off]

Tattletale Strangler

Finally, away from that guy.

SpongeBob

[on the airplane a row behind the Strangler] Good idea, bodyguard. He'll never find us up here. [the Strangler jumps out of the plane hollering, he opens his parachute, but it is actually SpongeBob] Good thinking, bodyguard. The Strangler could have been on that plane. [the Strangler takes out a giant pair of scissors and cuts the strings off the SpongeBob parachute and plummets right into the Bikini Bottom Police Station jail. SpongeBob comes running up to him] Bodyguard, bodyguard!

Tattletale Strangler

Look kid! I'm not your bodyguard! [cries] I'm the strangler! See? [looks toward his "WANTED" poster on the wall]

SpongeBob

AHHH! THE STRANGLER!

Good work, SpongeBob, you put the Strangler behind bars!

Tattletale Strangler

At least I'm safe from that yellow idiot.

Patrick

Hey, Mack. [the Strangler turns and sees Patrick in the cell with him] What're you in for? [the episode ends]

Need some change?

Squidward

[exhausted] No.

What? Why?

Squidward

Because I'm all out of money!

Squidward

At least I still have my Sunday pedicure to look forward to. [SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing inside Squidward's house. Squidward opens his front door] What are you two doing in my house?

SpongeBob

We're checking to make sure this guy really is a certified foot masseur and not some kind of assassin.

Patrick

Well I say he checks out a-ok.

SpongeBob

Squidward, have you ever seen more lovely French tips? [shows foot with long toenails]

Squidward

French tips, huh?! [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick's chair out of the way] All right, pal, make with the relaxing foot massage, pronto!

Uh-oh. Uh, sorry. Your hour's up. [packs up and leaves]

Squidward

Alright, you two. OUT! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk to the front door] And don't even think about dragging your empty skulls around here for the rest of the day! Or tomorrow, or next week!

SpongeBob

Squidward, does that include-?

Squidward

YES, IT DOES! [furiously slams the door shut]

SpongeBob

Gee, Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?

Squidward

[busts head through the door] YES, I WAS!!! You call yourselves good neighbors?! YOU'RE THE WORST NEIGHBORS EVER! [angrily inhales] You don't deserve to wear those FEZZES! [takes SpongeBob and Patrick's fezzes off and rapidly stomps them into the ground]

SpongeBob

Gee, Pat, maybe President Squidward's right.

Patrick

Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.

Squidward

NO, YOU AREN'T!!! YOU'RE HORRIBLE NEIGHBORS! [angrily inhales again] And STOP calling me president! [pops his head back inside]

SpongeBob

Come on, let's go. [he and Patrick walk off sadly]