MSMini Squidward
Everybody dance! [continues dancing in the air, and everyone follows. The music stops, SpongeBob spins him into a spotlight, and he takes a bow]
SquidwardThat was awful! [confetti rains down as they all cheer for Mini Squidward and walk away] He stole my jokes, he stole my job, he stole my standing ovation!!! [points to Mini Squidward] YOU LITTLE WOODEN FIEND!! STOP STEALING MY LIFE!!!!!! [repeatedly punches, stomps on, and chomps on Mini Squidward all while SpongeBob is still holding onto him, who falls on the ground]
MJMilo J. Finkerfish
[shows up, stopping Squidward] Stop, stop! Don't gnaw on the head of my new client, please!! You don't know what you're doing! ARE YOU MAD!??!!??! HAVE MERCY!!!!
[The episode starts at night as the camera focuses on the trio of houses on Conch Street while zooming in on SpongeBob's house while the song "The Best Day Ever" starts to play. Inside, he is asleep. The sun quickly rises outside, turning night into day, and SpongeBob awakens as well.]
[gasps] A reserved seat? Next to my friends? I made it! All I have to do is sit down and...
[Just as he sits down, everyone applauds as the curtains close, marking the end of the show, and SpongeBob completely loses it.]
[Yells in frustration shaking his fists up making a rumbling sound as everyone looks at him in confusion] No! [jumps on stage and tears the curtain] No! It is not over!
This was supposed to be my perfect day. But then everything... [a fish gets up and starts to leave, but SpongeBob stops him as he screams] Sit down! [the fish does so] Then everything turned to doo-doo.
[he, Patrick and Sandy go upstage with him] It's okay, SpongeBob.
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! [his yelling makes Mr. Krabs and Patrick flinch] This was gonna be my best day ever, starting with doing the best job in the world, working at the Krusty Krab!
Boy, you saved me barnacle the way you put the run on them nematodes!
[sniffles] Yeah, I guess so. But then I was gonna do karate with Sandy!
I know, but you saved the treedome! Pretty cool, if you ask me.
Well, I suppose. But then I was gonna go jellyfishing with Patrick!
But then you... Uh, what'd you do again?
Squidward
And, I hate to admit it, but I suppose if you hadn't fixed my reed, the concert would have been a bust.
You see, SpongeBob, it's not about you or your perfect day or any of those things.
No. [chuckles] It's about us!
Yep. And since you did such a good job, we wanna make it up to you.
So, just tell us anything your little heart desires, and it's yours.
JJim
Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?
He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!
JJim
Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise! [both laugh it off]
[watching from the freezer] Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.
[stops laughing] Well, I better go find him. [SpongeBob comes out] Spongebob!
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.
JJim
What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job!
But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.
JJim
Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bowl sessions...
[Flashback to the day Jim left the Krusty Krab]
JJim
We should open our own restaurant and stop relying on old man K's pockets.
Squidward
No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
JJim
What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?
Squidward
Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet. [his hair suddenly falls out]
JJim
Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs' office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?
Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.
JJim
Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.
JJim
You know, lay a patch.
JJim
Give me a raise, or I'm quitting!
A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary." Help me get with it, Jack.
JJim
Stop talking like that!
These sideburns aren't real. [rips them off]
JJim
I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week! Capiche?!?
[Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically; Jim leaves in a huff]
Squidward
My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!
[Flashback ends; Mr. Krabs is still laughing]
Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]
[Squidward is outside still crying over his hair loss]
You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: You're cheap.
Wow! I never thought about it that way!
Squidward
No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!
[Everybody growls and screams]
UFUnknown Fish
Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!
[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!
[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]
[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
Squidward
It's not me, Mr. Krabs!
Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!
[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]
MSMartha Smith
Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
I believe the expression is starfish first.
UFUnknown Fish
I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?
UFUnknown Fish
[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.
[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Another $5 for another de-Icking.
[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!
[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.
Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]
Squidward
Hey, use your mirrors, fool!
Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]
Squidward
Ah! I can't see! Oh! [puts on sunglasses and laughs] Aah! [sees a brick wall and crashes then turns into a live action of a crash test dummy] Ow.
Good day, young sir! My name is--
[pops up from under Gus' hat] Gus!
He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.
Squidward
[grabs SpongeBob] How in Neptune's creation do you know all these names, SpongeBob?
Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. [holds up a book called "The Customers of The Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP"]
Squidward
[grabs the book] Thanks, SpongeBob!
Squidward
SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, than that means he won't be living next to me! [falling gently] Hoooo. [lands in what appears to be flowers and making a angel formation] Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [the "flowers" turn out to be pots and pans, Mr. Krabs watches in confusion from the fry cook window]
[to himself] Hmm, there must be a full moon.
Squidward
Oh, how cold does Krabs keep this place, anyway? [looks at the thermostat which displays 62°F] 62 degrees?! Oh, that cheapskate! I'm gonna set it to a toasty 63. [he sets the thermostat to 63; an alarm goes off] Huh?!
[hears the alarm, busts down the door] WHO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAT?!?!?!?!?!
[all point to Squidward]
Squidward
Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs pulls him away]
You're welcome, Squidward.
Mr. Squidward, you're always goin' on about your book club. Read this!
Squidward
[reading sign] "Do not touch thermostat ever".
[Mr. Krabs sets it back]
Heat costs money! There are two ways to get on my bad side, boys. I don't like kids playin' in me yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat!
Squidward
That's totally selfish!
Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing on it right now!
What?! [sees kids on his front yard] Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
