Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward

SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?

SpongeBob

The movie? Oh! Yeah! The ending was great! Turns out, there weren't any robots after all! It was just their imagination. Hey, it's time to feed Gary! [bolts right out of the Krusty Krab]

[glares at Squidward lividly as he nervously begins sweeping up all the devices] GRRRRRRR... SQUIDWARD!!!!

SpongeBob

Patrick, breakfast is ready.

Patrick

[sees the whole table of homemade breakfast meals] All right! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. [lifts the table to gobble up food, then burps] Hey, Junior. How you doing today? [smells the stink] SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Yes, Patrick.

Patrick

Kid's got a stinky.

SpongeBob

Can you take care of him? My hands are kind of full.

Patrick

[drinks a coffee while Junior begins to cry] Wish I could, but I'm gotta get going.

SpongeBob

Going? Where are you going?

Patrick

Going to work. I'm the dad, remember?

SpongeBob

You mean I have to do this baby stuff myself?

Patrick

I'll give you the break when I get home. Don't you stop being adorable. [laughs as he close the door]

SpongeBob

Okay...

Patrick

[walks in with a lampshade over his head, giggling and turns on the light] Oh boy, that was some party! [SpongeBob is wearing his mother-like clothing and holding Junior and he gives Patrick a bitter look. SpongeBob is quiet and bitter outside, but in the inside, is very furious with Patrick for breaking his promise again] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. [SpongeBob now looks at Patrick angrily as he taps one of his bare feet] What? What?!

SpongeBob

[coldly] Oh, nothing.

Patrick

[relieved and stupidly] Oh, what a relief. [stupidly takes the lampshade off his head and foolishly puts it on SpongeBob] For a second there, I thought you were mad at me.

SpongeBob

[angrily takes the lampshade off his head] Do you remember what you said to me this morning?

Patrick

Something about root beer, right?

SpongeBob

[takes a deep breath, flatly] No.

Patrick

Oh, wait, wait, let me guess. [confusedly gives up] I give up.

SpongeBob

Does "you can take the night off, pal" ring a bell?

Patrick

[scoffs in annoyance] I don't need this. [angrily walks outside]

SpongeBob

What?! [angrily walks to the door] Where do you think you're going?

Patrick

[opens his rock; angrily] I'm going back to work! [gets inside and closes his rock]

SpongeBob

Work!? [growls in fury, rips off his foam rollers. He walks outside to Patrick's rock. He furiously opens it up, and finds Patrick in his easy chair, watching TV]

Patrick

[two "bonk" sounds are heard on the TV; laughs] He got hit in the head with two coconuts!

SpongeBob

[angrily] So, this is work?

Patrick

You know, it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes, I gotta move the antenna, sometimes, I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!

SpongeBob

[sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase! [pulls a briefcase out from behind his back, and opens it up to reveal that it is filled with sundaes and donuts as he angrily dumps it all over Patrick]

Patrick

[quietly but fumingly] Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime.

SpongeBob

[Becomes enraged; his balls his fists and his entire body shakes. He then loses his temper and goes ballistic on Patrick; his mouth has become huge. He screams intensely with fury] OVERTIME?!?! [jumps into Patrick's rock]

Patrick

There's that stupid noise again!

SpongeBob

Oh, that's not a stupid noise. That's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.

Patrick

Oh.

[immediately realize what was going to happen; their eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!!!

SpongeBob

Well, Patrick, he doesn't need us anymore.

Patrick

This is the hardest part of every parent's life, I assume.

SpongeBob

Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.

Patrick

Yeah. Let's have another.

SpongeBob

Okay, Patrick, let's get our brushes ready. [holds up his big brush] Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. [throws the big brush to the right of him then takes another small brush and gets a hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same, but out comes a large bunch of nose hairs. SpongeBob dips the brush into the can and then faces the wall] All right, Patrick, gotta get started painting this wall. With the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything but the wall. Well... here we go.

French Narrator

One hour later...

SpongeBob

Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I'll be painting this wall.

French Narrator

Two hours later...

SpongeBob

I'm getting to the painting...

French Narrator

Three hours later...

Patrick

[holds the timecard, breaking the fourth wall] Can you move it along? I'm all out of timecards.

SpongeBob

[standing by a washing machine] Did it work?

Patrick

[comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, in his hands; he also has a bra on his head] Nope.

SpongeBob

[sanding the dollar in Patrick's hand] Did it work? [Patrick's hands are gone]

Patrick

Nope.

SpongeBob

[uses a fire hose to shoot a massive stream of water at Patrick, who screams in pain offscreen] Did it work?

Patrick

[holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, except for the part blocked by his arms] Nope.

SpongeBob

Nothing's working!

Patrick

Wait, SpongeBob! We're not cavemen! [walks over to a computer] We have technology! [picks up the computer and angrily grunts as he smashes it on the dollar]

SpongeBob

It didn't work.

Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?

SpongeBob

We're sorry, Mr. Krabs!

Patrick

[simultaneously] We're so sorry!

[looks at dollar again] And then did you draw on it with crayon?! [dollar has a smiley face and two dollar signs drawn on with green crayon]

Patrick

[holding green crayon while SpongeBob stares at him] I thought, you know, maybe he'd buy it.

Alright boys, you know what I've gotta do now?!?

SpongeBob

You mean our butts?

Patrick

Can I use mine one last time?

[takes the dollar off the frame, licks it, and sets it back; the paint has washed off] There we go, good as new. [SpongeBob and Patrick stammer "but" nonstop] Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. [laughs]

SpongeBob

Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs! You told us the paint was permanent, so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!

Nah, I just like to mess with ya! [laughs as SpongeBob and Patrick grimace and leave in disgust; Mr. Krabs ends up spitting while laughing, washing off all the paint on the walls] Aw, crud. I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

Yes?

SpongeBob

Huh? Say, weren't you the same guy who sold us these candy bar bags?

I don't recall, but it looks to me that you boys have a lot of bags there. You two ladykillers are too smart to be without one of my patented candy-bar-bag-carrying bags.

Patrick

We'll take 20.

SpongeBob

Remember, Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good.

Hello?

Patrick

I love you.

SpongeBob

I think you laid it on a teensy bit thick there, old pal.

SpongeBob

Remember, Patrick, focus. [knocks]

Yes?

SpongeBob

Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.

Why is Chubby here staring at me?

Patrick

Focusing.

Back up, Jack. [slams the door on Patrick's eyes]

Patrick

Oof! [moves his eyes around] Nice place you got in here.

Mary

Yes?

SpongeBob

Hello, young lady. [winks at Patrick, who chuckles] We're selling chocolate. [sultry] Is your mother home?

Mary

Mom!

What, what, what's all the yelling?! You just can't wait for me to die, can you?!

Mary

They're selling chocolate.

Chocolate?

Mary

Yeah!

What, what are they selling?!

Mary

Chocolates!

What?!

Mary

Chocolates!

I can't hear you!

Mary

THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!

They're selling chocolate?

Mary

Yeah!

Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate. I always hated it!

SpongeBob

Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...

Patrick

You rub it on your skin and it makes you live forever!

Live forever, ya say? I'll take one!

Come on, you lazy Mary! Start rubbing me with that chocolate!

Mary

I hate you.

Barnacle Boy

I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!

SpongeBob

I respect you, Barnacle Man!

That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!

SpongeBob

Evil?

Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]

Mermaid Man

Evil!

I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]

Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]

Dirty Bubble

Did someone say evil?

SpongeBob

Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]

Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]

Mermaid Man

Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]

Mermaid Man

I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.

Mrs. Puff

Today's first lesson will be turning...

Patrick

[whispers to SpongeBob] 24 : [they laugh quietly, Mrs. Puff stops writing on the board for a second, then keeps writing]

SpongeBob

[holding in laughter] Patrick.

Patrick

[also holding in laughter] What?

SpongeBob

I thought of something funnier than 24.

Patrick

Let me hear it.

SpongeBob

25.

Mrs. Puff

That's enough! Young one, this is your first day, so I will let you off with a warning. As for you, SpongeBob, I expect more from a good noodle. Pay attention!

SpongeBob

Yes, Mrs. Puff.

Mrs. Puff

Now then, turning: What every driver should know, when you are turning it's important to signal at least 20 feet from the turn pushing the drivers behind you.

SpongeBob

[gasps upon seeing Patrick's ugly drawing of Mrs. Puff] "Big Fat Meanie"?? Patrick, you can't do that! She's the teacher!

Mrs. Puff

What about the teacher? [grabs Patrick's drawing of her. She then appears identical to Patrick's drawing in anger] As if I really look like this?! SpongeBob, I believe you know the punishment for two classroom disruptions!

SpongeBob

No...!

Mrs. Puff

I’m sorry, SpongeBob, but if one wishes to be a good noodle, one must behave like a good noodle.

SpongeBob

I'm a good noodle! I'm a good noodle!

Mrs. Puff

You will get this star back when you earn it.

SpongeBob

Nooo! [Mrs Puff removes his star while he jumps up and down on his chair, hits his head on the desk.]

SpongeBob

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! [The star gets removed and SpongeBob faints on the floor]

Patrick

Mrs. Puff, is it nap time?

Mrs. Puff

SpongeBob, I've have enough of your nonsense. Now, let me see, collect your things, and move to the available desk somewhere in the back of the room.

SpongeBob

But... me? But why?

Mrs. Puff

Because the Big Fat Meanie said so. Now go.

SpongeBob

[mad] Thanks a lot, Patrick.

Patrick

Sure thing, buddy. [SpongeBob walks to the back. His classmates are staring at him]

SpongeBob

Well, I guess I can be a good noodle from back here... [Mrs. Puff's voice is receding as SpongeBob tries to listen from the back] It's so hard to hear! What kind of student sits back here anyway? [reads the writing on the desk] 'Skool is 4 Chumps'? [shivers] Where am I?

Patrick

[whispering] Psst, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

[to himself] Just ignore him, SpongeBob, if you can.

Patrick

SpongeBob, over here!

SpongeBob

[to himself] Whatever you do, don't look at him.

Patrick

Psst, SpongeBob! [throws ball of paper] Psst, SpongeBob! [throws a book at SpongeBob] SpongeBob? [spits a bunch of spitballs on SpongeBob's face] SpongeBob? Psst, over here. I'm trying to tell you something. Something important!

SpongeBob

[covered in spitballs] What...?!

Patrick

[timidly] Hi.

SpongeBob

HIIIIIIIIII?!?! [growls, removing all the spitballs, then stops when he sees Mrs. Puff angry, covered in the spitballs]

Mrs. Puff

Perhaps this would be a good time for recess.