SpongeBobIn one day, I've gone from Good Noodle... to Bad Egg! It's all Stupid Patrick's fault. I'd hate you, Patrick.
SpongeBob
I'd hate you no matter what!
Yeah? Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you.
SpongeBob
I'd hate you even if that made sense!
I'd hate you even if you were me! That's how much I'd hate you!
SpongeBob
I'd hate you, even if, uhh... Um, I'd hate you... [points to Roger's tank] even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out. [The camera quickly pans over to where SpongeBob is pointing. Quite suddenly, the light bulb flickers, and then burns out and the electricity crackles]
SpongeBob
Huh?
[SpongeBob and Patrick stare at Roger for about 30 seconds, panting and trying to ignore one another for attention, but then Roger freezes and both begin to progressively whimper a little louder until they can't take it anymore.]
SpongeBob
I'M SORRY I CALLED YOU A STUPID STAR!!!!!!
I'M SORRY I GOT YOU IN TROUBLE, AND GOT YOU MOVED TO THE BACK OF THE CLASS, AND GOT YOUR GOOD NOODLE STAR REMOVED, AND SHOT THE SPITBALLS --
SpongeBob
I'M SORRY YOUR APOLOGY IS SO LONG!!!
ME TOO, LET'S SAVE ROGER!!!
Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward’s nose]
[The camera cuts to an overhead view of the boat as a loud rip is heard and Squidward screams loudly in pain, then walks up to Mr. Krabs with his nose torn off.]
[laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. Gasps] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob rips Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya!
[Ominous orchestral music begins playing. Mr. Krabs' pupils shrink in shock]
Oh, no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. Every sailor knows that means death. Hurry, SpongeBob! The music’s getting faster. [opens the door] There you are, you stinking bilge rats. [darts to the trumpeters] STOP PLAYING THAT MUSIC! [to the conductor] STOP IT PLEASE! [to the violinists] I'm begging you! Come on, honey, you can make it! Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob
Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!
[holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner.
SpongeBob
Squidward, he has lost something near, and dearer at him, haven’t you-
[Laughs as he plays jumprope with his eyes]
SpongeBob
You’re right. How do we get out of here?
If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.
SpongeBob
Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, but then start screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up; Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat]
[angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [sobs] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.
You're crazy. If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?
[dressed up as a conductor] Ohh, he'll come. [taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the live-action orchestra and begins to play the 4/4 string ostinato in D minor; SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in terror]
Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind! [Mr. Krabs laughing maniacally while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line; Squidward screams] Get us out of here!
Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar!
[The cabin doors strangely open by themselves to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and dives into the lagoon. The cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow.]
SpongeBob
Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [a tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?
Yes, why couldn't it have been you? [sobbing]
SpongeBob
Why did he have to go like this, why? [crying]
Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot? [both sob loudly]
Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop sobbing]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon]
Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]
SpongeBob
Wow, how did you get it back?
It wasn't easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.
SpongeBob
What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm]
Nothing important. [laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look shocked]
SpongeBob
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Gary imagines himself watching TV] No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail! [SpongeBob runs off. He then returns, wearing a coach's outfit] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.
[Scene cuts to Sandy walking down the street; she stops and hears what SpongeBob said]
Hmm... I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.
AAnnouncer
Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! [Gary's other eye explodes] Oops, make that two, folks.
SpongeBob
Uhh, Gary?
[Gary's shell breaks, showing a machine inside]
AAnnouncer
: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.
SpongeBob
[getting worried] Umm, Gary, you can stop now!
[Gary is leaving skid marks on the track]
AAnnouncer
He's losing control!
[Gary is running into the walls, making a bunch of sparks]
SpongeBob
You can take a break now if you want to, Gary!
[Gary is spinning on the track]
AAnnouncer
He's spinning out of control! [crowd gasps] He's heading straight for the wall!
[Gary runs into a wall of tires and explodes. The crowd gasps again, then they cheer]
SpongeBob
No! [two firemen come up and extinguish the smoke. Squidward laughs] Hold on, Gary, I'm coming! [runs onto the track]
AAnnouncer
Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen.
[Snellie is coming up on the finish line]
Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!
SpongeBob
[runs up to Gary, crying] Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!?!
SpongeBob
You did? [cries more] Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!
SpongeBob
You did? [cries some more] Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!
[walks into the Krusty Krab] Good morning, Krusty Krew!
SpongeBob
[pokes his head out of the kitchen window, shouts] Hey, Patrick! You all ready for the big night out tonight?!
[shouts] Yeah, it's gonna rock!
SpongeBob
Are you ready to go crazy?!
I'm already hearing voices!
SpongeBob
Are you ready to...?!
[angrily yelling] SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! DO YOU MIND?!
SpongeBob
Let's continue this conversation in private, Patrick! I think some people are eavesdropping!
Well, how rude of some people!
You guys wouldn't know a good time if it bit you in the aft! I'm going home! You guys ain't cool, you're lame!!
SpongeBob
[gasps] Lame?
Lame! You're nerds, geeks, creeps and babies.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Not 'babies.' [suck their thumbs]
I may be old, but even an old bag of shells like me knows that you haven't suggested one cool thing all night. So good night to ya. [starts to leave]
I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
I said I guess you're gonna miss the panty raid.
Panty raid? [walks back to them] You're talkin' about girls, right? [pause] Girl girls?
And you're talking about raiding their dressers...for their underpants, right?
Well, count me in. If this works, I'll take back what I said about you two bein' lame.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Not lame!
SpongeBob
Wait just a burger-flipping second!
[turns around angrily] Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?!?!
SpongeBob
That would be me: SpongeBob BacksassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. [While SpongeBob speaks, Mr. Krabs is happy at SpongeBob's words]
He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
SpongeBob
I'd bet my soul he wouldn't.
You got yourself a bet. [to Mr. Krabs] Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
That depends. How much money we talking about?
SpongeBob
Mr. Krabs!
[shows some coins] 62 cents.
SpongeBob
MR. KRABS!!!!!
Here you go, Krabs. 62 cents. [hands him the change and picks up SpongeBob] Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! [SpongeBob screams as they both disappear]
[runs to Squidward, happy] Look, Squidward, money!
Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for 62 cents!!??
You think I could've gotten more?
He stuck up for you, and you sold him out. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!
SpongeBob
You said you would bring Krabby the Clown. But all I saw out there was Cheapy the Cheapskate!!
Hey, I ain't cheap! [rubs the clown nose on his shirt, which turns red] Now, take this tomato back in the kitchen before it spoils.
SpongeBob
But what about the true meaning of summer? What about the children?
[walks to the window and climbs out] The children? I don't care about the children. I just care about their parents' money. Ah, the fact that their feeble minds are easily manipulated by cheap playgrounds and talentless clowns is no skin off my nose. Survival of the Fittest, SpongeBob. Survival of the Fittest. [laughs]
Huh? [the children are standing behind him] Oh, hey kids. [smiles nervously] Uh... Uncle Krabs has to go to the bank now. Heh.
Get him! [all the kids run after him]
Are you crazy?! A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life! [does so]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
No!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob
Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then. [does so]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
No!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob
They hate limping more than running!
[offscreen] Well, I guess I'll just have...
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob
I should have warned you about crawling!
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
[offscreen] What'd I do that time?!
SpongeBob
I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Pretend to be somebody else!
SpongeBob
Here, draw a circle! [tosses Squidward the stick]
[The sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob
That was an oval! It has to be a circle!
Move over! [gets inside the circle; the sea bear comes up to Squidward in the circle, then notices the circle itself below before snarls as it points a threatening claw at him, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]
SpongeBob
Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.
The sound of a sea bear attack. [a sea rhinoceros appears, snorting]
SpongeBob
Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Squidward?
SpongeBob
The most important meal of the day; serving it up Gary's way! Baa! Enjoy buddy. Hmm, you know, I've been feeding this to Gary for years and I don't even know what it tastes like. [tastes the snail food; his face turns green] BLEH!!!! [echoes]
[In snail food headquarters]
WWoman
What is it, Peterson?
I don't know, I feel... a disturbance.
SpongeBob
And that's how I got my identity back. Well, that's my story. [Ted yawns while the waitress checks her watch]
WWaitress
Well, you managed to kill eleven minutes.
SpongeBob
[laughs] Thanks, uh... [looks at her name tag] Betty.
WWaitress
What? [looks down at her name tag] Oh, sweetie, I'm not Betty. I just borrowed her uniform while mine's at the cleaners. [SpongeBob looks at the camera, confused. The episode ends]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
