Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

This is serious, SpongeBob. Someone’s after me, I think I better leave town.

SpongeBob

Patrick, I threw it, we’re having a snowball fight, don’t you get it?

Snowball fight? I wanna play, I wanna play!

S3 Snowball Effect

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SpongeBob

Squidward! You're just in time to enlist in my army! Join me, and and togther, we'll defeat the Pink Menace!

That's me!

Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me! [laughs, but then ducks when Patrick throws the snowball which puts out the fireplace. He groans and closes the window]

S3 Snowball Effect

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Barnacles! I'll never find-- [sees the tombstone and it shows his real name, Smitty Werben Man Jensen] The grave! Am I really going to defile this grave for money? Of course I am! [digs and hits something] Jackpot! [opens up the coffin] Ooh. It's beautiful. Come to papa. [takes the head off with the hat on] Hey, come on, Smitty, let go! [takes his head off] Rest in pieces, Smitty. [jumps out of the hole] I got the million dollar hat.

[lightning and thunder booms. Smitty stands up from his grave with his head in one hand]

SSmitty

Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.

What? No way. Just crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.

SSmitty

I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.

Yeah, right. You and what army? [But then, the skeleton zombie army came with an eerie moaning]

SSmitty

Only the army of the living dead. [all the other dead bodies are walking towards Mr. Krabs]

[scared] Oh, no! I've seen this on the late show! You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!

SSmitty

That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.

No flipping way! [takes the head of a swordfish and uses it as a sword] Back off! Back off, I say!

SSmitty

Attack. [the skeleton zombies ready to draw their weapons]

Tallyho! [sword fights a few zombies] Look at me, I'm Errol Fin! [chops up more bodies] You're falling apart, marrow brain! You must be kidding. [sword fights them] Back to oblivion! [jumps over a group of zombies] Oh, ho! How's your sister? All right, boneheads. Playtime's over. Yee-hoo! Ha-ha! [twirls around and destroys more of the skeleton zombies in the morning Mr. Krabs finishes destroying all the skeleton zombies and runs out of the cemetery] Wa-ha! A million dollars. I've got a million dollars! [runs back to his curio stand where the fish are talking altogether at once] Oh, there you are. Well, I got it. The rare novelty soda drinking hat. Let's start the bidding at one million dollars! [all of the fish look at each other and then laugh]

Fred

Yeah, you want that all at once?

F3Fish #3

One million dollars. You gotta be kidding!

NNat

Hey! The poor sap's not kidding. Didn't you hear? They found a whole warehouse full of them. THEY'RE WORTHLESS! [the camera goes to a bunch of soda drinking hats are in the dumpster. The fish crack up laughing. SpongeBob walks by with a hat that has clapping hands on the top of it]

SpongeBob

Let's give Mr. Krabs a big hand. [laughs]

NNat

Now that's worth a million dollars. [SpongeBob laughs again and he leaves the background. Nat runs after him and the other fish follow] Hey, kid, wait up!

F2Fish #2

I saw him first!

F3Fish #3

I'll give you one billion dollars!

[Fred rows his row-boat along the ground to chase SpongeBob]

Well, that's a spirit breaker. [throws the soda drinking hat away and breaks down sobbing]

[walks by with flowers in hand] What a baby. [walks off and the episode ends]

S3 One Krab's Trash

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[last lines]

Well, SpongeBob, looks like you've finally found your calling.

SpongeBob

I'll say. I'm so glad I gave up fry cooking for this. [episode ends]

S3 As Seen on T.V.

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SpongeBob

Squidward, you're making a big mistake!

Mistake? Ha! The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life at the Krusty Krab!

SpongeBob

But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy. And what could be better than serving up smiles? [smiles really big]

Being dead or anything else!

S3 Can You Spare a Dime?

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Don't you get it?! I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything!

SpongeBob

[gasps] Even your paintings?!

Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them!

S3 Can You Spare a Dime?

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Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

[gasps] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!

French Narrator

Three weeks later...

SpongeBob

He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back. [falls down]

French Narrator

Many months later...

SpongeBob

I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough. [falls down again]

BNBritish Narrator

So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one...

Gary

Meow, meow, meow.

SpongeBob

I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!

S3 Can You Spare a Dime?

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DDrifter

[looks like SpongeBob; has a cool black wig] What's shakin', my man?

Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before?

DDrifter

Doubt it. I'm a drifter, just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out.

Nice try, kid. I know it's you.

DDrifter

What're you talking about? [Reg pulls his hair, but it's real hair]

[pulls the drifter's hair, but it's his real hair] Aha!

SpongeBob

[enters, wearing a rainbow afro clown wig] Hey, everybody, what's goin' on?

[Reg tries to fix the drifter's hair]

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SpongeBob

Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap.

Ho ho, I saw you running. when you get in a real fight, then we'll talk.

SpongeBob

Well then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. [spins his legs, then his arms, trying to snap his fingers, but they're cracked in half; cut to SpongeBob showing his broken fingers, he cries and runs off, Scene cuts to SpongeBob with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream in a banana split, whimpering]

RRobot

Care for another sundae, weenie?

SpongeBob

[jumps angrily] I am not a weenie!

N1Nerd #1

Relax, you're among friends. [raises his drink]

SpongeBob

My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. [scroll over to Patrick in the seat next to him]

You tell 'em, SpongeBob! [sips his drink]

SpongeBob

Patrick, what're you doing here?

I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.

N1Nerd #1

Actually, they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.

N2Nerd #2

And besides, today's Monday.

Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday?

N1Nerd #1

Uhh, that's now on Sunday.

Barnacles!

N2Nerd #2

Super Weenie Hut Jr's has a Mega Weenie Monday.

N1Nerd #1

Uhh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday.

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SpongeBob

Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.

Hmmm... what about that guy? [points at a muscular fish]

SpongeBob

[gasps and stammers] I, uh... [laughs] don't be silly. He's not botherin' anybody. I mean, not like... that guy! [points at Patrick]

Who, me?

SpongeBob

Yeah, you! Standing there all smiling and whatnot... Somebody oughta teach you some manners!

Okay, but I must warn you: I happen to be a world championship... uh... [reading his hand] "...kick...box...er." [winks and gives a thumbs-up]

SpongeBob

I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davey Jones! You're going down, Tubby!

[record scratch, tears up] "Tubby"...? [Growls viciously as SpongeBob is nervous] NOBODY CALLS ME "TUBBY"!!!!! [punches SpongeBob in the face, giving him a black eye]

SpongeBob

Wait, Patrick! You're supposed to let me win, remember?

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I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in.

SpongeBob

Really? I can go in? Oh my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my liiiife! [walks in; scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with SpongeBob in bandages and Sandy by his side]Sandy? [groans]What happened?

Sandy

You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. [ambulance arrives at the hospital; scene cuts to Sandy wheeling SpongeBob in front of the doctor]

DDoctor

What happened?

SpongeBob

I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos!

DDoctor

Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. [points across the street to another hospital]

SpongeBob

Weenie Hut General?!

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SSquilliam

What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It's as if all he knows is fine dining, and breathing! [to SpongeBob] I must know your name!

[Record scratches as SpongeBob is nervous]

SpongeBob

My name?

SSquilliam

Yes, your name, son.

SpongeBob

Uh... Beef Wellington?

SSquilliam

[chuckles] No, your name.

SpongeBob

Uh... uh... the fork on the left?

Heh. Stop joking. Tell him your name.

SpongeBob

My name...?

[Zoom inside of SpongeBob's brain again where all the SpongeBobs are trying to search for a name]

SSSmaller SpongeBob #3

[as he checks file cabinets] What's his name?! What's his name?! I've got nothing on a name!

SSSmaller SpongeBob #4

[pressing a key on a keyboard connected to a computer] Come on, baby, what's the name?! [The computer bursts into flames. Panicked shouting is heard from other smaller SpongeBobs as they are running wildly around while papers are flying]

SSSmaller SpongeBob #5

WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!

[More smaller SpongeBobs begin to run around while more papers are flying. SpongeBob's brain then breaks in half. The scene cuts back to Squilliam and Squidward with SpongeBob stammering for a moment. Then he splashes water on Squilliam and then starts to bark and going wild]

Oh, I am so very sorry! I don't know what has gotten into that-- [screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of hot soup by Fred]

SpongeBob

More soup for your armpit?! [holds up Fred's arm and throws the soup on his armpits, causing him to scream in pain, runs over to Martha and grabs her head] Please enjoy the food!! [slams her face into her food then runs up to Nat] Would you like some cheese on your butt, sir?! [pulls out a cheese grater, picks him up and grates his butt with it as Nat screams]

[Every fish screams and panics]

[frightened] No! No!

[Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen and shouting. And Mr. Krabs, still tied up, also runs of the kitchen and warns everyone that there's more danger for some things that he cooked so badly.]

Run for your lives, everyone! It's the appetizer!

[The appetizer, which has now come to life, bursts through the door and roars. Mr. Krabs is sent flying. The appetizer crawls outwards, revealing its face to the camera. Everyone screams and panics. They crash through the windows and the door, running away. Squidward's tuxedo rips in half by itself and falls off, and his Krusty Krab hat and name tag land on him in their proper places. The name tag reads "Squidward Tentacles, Cashier."]

S3 Squilliam Returns

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SpongeBob

There you go. Enjoy your– Say, you're not a robot, are you?

CCustomer

No...I'm not.

SpongeBob

Well, keep your eyes peeled. They're everywhere. Back to work!

S3 Krab Borg

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SpongeBob

Mr.-

[puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth] Will you quiet up? Now listen, what did these robots in the movie look like?

SpongeBob

Well, they had piercing red eyes, metal pinchers for hands, and they ran on batteries.

Okay, so tell me, does Mr. Krabs look anything like that?!

[Mr. Krabs barges out of his office, still screaming. He now has burning red eyes, the pair of tongs snipping in his claw, and the batteries in his pocket, just like the robot in the movie and Squidward said. SpongeBob and Squidward both scream in fear. Mr. Krabs continues screaming as he runs into the bathroom]

I'll evacuate the customers, you call the navy!

SpongeBob

[runs over to the phone] Hello, Operator? Get me the Navy!

OOperator

Hello, you've reached the Navy's automated phone service.

SpongeBob

Squidward, the robots are running the Navy!

NOT THE NAVY! [on the microphone] Attention, Krusty Krab! Run for your lives! Robots are taking over the world! [pause] OUR WORLD! [Then the customers run and scream in panic] What do we do now?

SpongeBob

I don't know! [notices a nickel] Hey, a nickel! [points at it]

SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Sorry.

[walks out of the bathroom, his eyes back to normal] Ah, that's better. [walks back to his office] Bee-boo-boo-boo-bee-bop, boo-boo-bop.

We need to find out what that robot did with the real Mr. Krabs, but how?

SpongeBob

Well, in the movie the hero teams up with a buddy, and they get the poop on the robot.

They poop on the robot?

SpongeBob

Yeah, you know, they get the straight poop, ask questions, get information.

I never thought I'd say this, but, SpongeBob, let's get that poop!

[Squidward and SpongeBob dive in. SpongeBob grabs rope, Squidward grabs tools, and SpongeBob grabs records]

Oh, hello, boys. What can I do for ya? [they both lock the door] Hehe, why did you lock the door? Why do you have that rope? WHO'S WATCHING THE CASH REGISTER?! [gets attacked] SpongeBob, Squidward, what’s the meaning of this?! Unite me this instant!

S3 Krab Borg

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[SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs and then slaps him]

SpongeBob, you gotta ask him a question first.

SpongeBob

Oh, yeah. What color is my underwear? [slaps him again]

SpongeBob, let me handle this. [turns a light on Mr. Krabs] Where's Mr. Krabs?

[confused] What are you talking about? I'm Mr. Krabs.

[slaps Mr. Krabs again] We can do this all night if you want. Where's Mr. Krabs?

I'm Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob

Where's Mr. Krabs?

KKrabs

I'm Mr. Krabs!

Where's Mr. Krabs?

I am Mr. Krabs! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am!

SpongeBob

This is one stubborn robot.

[confused for a moment, he finally blows his lid, yelling so loudly he causes SpongeBob and a nearby lamp to fall from the force] WHAT?! YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?!

We don't think; we know.