[Heavy metal music plays. The bell rings. SpongeBob tears off his blue robe, showing off his extremely large, muscular body. Patrick rips off his own green robe, underneath which he is wearing a business suit. He tears off the business suit, also revealing an extremely large, muscular body. The two dive at each other, screaming, until they collide. They wrestle and continue to wind up in twisted positions. They spin around and wind up wrestling with themselves. They realize this, and dive back at each other. Patrick sits on top of SpongeBob, holding his foot]
Forget the Chum Bucket! This is personal. [takes off SpongeBob's shoe and licks his foot slowly. SpongeBob screams in agony. The two wrestle again. SpongeBob sits on Patrick's chest and screams as he lifts up a pencil with the eraser side pointing toward Patrick; he slowly brings it down to his name tag and erases the "Pat" in "Patrick," leaving "Rick"] No! My name's not Rick! [tackles SpongeBob in a puff of smoke]
[the two wrestle once more before they stop]
SpongeBobI don't like you!
SpongeBob
I never liked you!
I 1,000 times never liked you!
SpongeBob
Pink!
[They struggle to push each other until both of their pants rip and fall down. Patrick's underwear is yellow. SpongeBob's underwear is pink]
SpongeBob
Yellow.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
[their eyes start to water] You do care! [both start crying and hug each other]
SpongeBob
Let's promise never to fight again, buddy.
Yeah, pal. Let's go home.
[both walk away holding hands and whistling while the audience boos]
Get back here and kill each other!
You're my best friend ever.
SpongeBob
You too, Patrick.
You know, these were white when I bought 'em.
SpongeBob, quit your worrying. I can take care of myself. After all, Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]
SpongeBob
You are.
And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "K" in "karate"?
SpongeBob
[body is shaped like a "U"] You did.
And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?
[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks" printed on it]
SpongeBob
You do.
Aww, our first Christmas. ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas! The first Christmas is this Christmas! [donkey appears on screen making noises] Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me!♪ [laughs at SpongeBob and hits his butt over and over again]
SpongeBob
You were right, Squidward. This was a stupid holiday. [cries; takes out a present] I still want you to have this.
[stops hitting his butt] What? What's this?
SpongeBob
A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... [lifts his inelegant blubbering head up] Santa came! [cries some more]
Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...
SpongeBob
You're welcome. [sadly walks off and cries]
SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby Patty, or... [imitates a hillbilly] his favorite underpants. Haha. Present. [opens the present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted out of driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and three wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. [sniffles] Oh, I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk!
[angrily squishes Plankton] You!
In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
Well, Mr. Funny Man... [shows Plankton a Krabby Patty] is this how you get your sick kicks?!
What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-- [close up of the Krabby Patty in question, which is covered in mold and stuffed with insects, hair, planks of wood, a sock, an eyeball, and a nail] Oh, my goodness! Squidward!
SpongeBob
I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did.
SpongeBob
A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large. I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!
I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post! [pokes SpongeBob's chest] Where's the off button on this thing?
Krabs?! What the barnacles is going on here?!
SpongeBob
It's your arch competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant.
SpongeBob
Yeah! But the worst part of it is...
[Krabs lands behind Plankton, and Plankton turns around to see that Krabs is completely nude]
SpongeBob
I'm every bit as cool as Larry, and if I'm not, let me be struck by... [lightning flashes overhead] ... A flying ice cream truck. [the flying ice cream truck plummets in his direction] AND LIVE!
[the ice cream truck stops just above SpongeBob, then drops onto him gently]
[through megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.
[notices Patrick struggling in the water] Holy cow! Somebody's drowning!
SpongeBob
Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed.
Dude, get your butt in the water!
SpongeBob
If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.
Help, help! [SpongeBob stands up and takes off his shades] I can't swim!
SpongeBob
Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning.
I'm drowning! I'm drowning!
SpongeBob
They would have to have crossed the line...
I'm drowning 'cause I crossed the line!
SpongeBob
[looks at the angry fish and takes out a pair of binoculars] Okay, I'll take a look, but just to prove to you that... [his eyes become huge and break through the lenses of the binoculars] ...PATRICK ISN'T DROWNING! [sees Patrick drowning]
Oh, no! That didn’t just happen! Please tell me that didn’t happen!
Where are we? We’re lost there’s no way out! Stuck, in the middle of nowhere, with SpongeBob and Patrick! [they wave] Why must every eleven minutes be filled with misery, why?!
SpongeBob
Oh, cheer up, squid it could be worse.
Yeah, you could be bald, and have a big nose.
[Squidward's nose starts timpani and squeak]
Well, this is the end. [falls to the floor where a duck sound is quacked]
SpongeBob
No, it’s not, Squidward.
[stops hammering on their coffins] It’s not?
SpongeBob
Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest? [pulls the string]
NOTHING?! We can't just sit here and do nothing! [sees that they are literally doing nothing; groans angrily] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy! [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing and not answer. He growls angrily again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity!
SpongeBob, your story has touched me heart. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to give up a best friend.
SpongeBob
You do?
I was five years old, and me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother. Me and that dollar went everywhere together.
SpongeBob
What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?
[sniffles] And one day at the beach, it was so hot and I was so thirsty! I SPENT IT ON A SODA!! [sobbing] My best friend! [crying]
[sobs some more because of the onions again] What? Would you get out of here!
The point is, son, sometimes, you have to set things free even though it's hard. [points to Mystery] Look at her. She misses the great outdoors, the wide-open spaces, the rolling green pastures. The kitchen is no place for a live horse.
[Two customers spit out their patties]
SpongeBob
Alright, Mr. Krabs, I understand.
SpongeBob, where's my order?
SpongeBob
Did you look under the tray.
Oh, no I didn't. Sorry. SpongeBob, could you just get my order?
SpongeBob
They vanished! Squidward, do you think the Krusty Krab is haunted? When will it come for me next? [panics] I gotta get out of here!
SpongeBob
You got it, Squidward. [laughs] Ghosts. [Mystery eats his Krusty Krab hat] Mystery, you ate my hat! [Mystery burps out his spatula, then SpongeBob gasps] Mystery, you ate my spatula! [no Krabby Patties] You ate all the Krabby Patties! [bitten stove] You ate the stove! [no one in the wheelchair] You ate Old Man Jenkins!
I don't want to be a burden.
[Angry customers]
Folks, we have a minor situation going on in the kitchen.
F1Fish #1
Where's our food?
F3Fish #3
This is my only lunch hour!
F4Fish #4
Where's Old Man Jenkins?!
SpongeBob
Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!
[Everyone laughs]
Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.
SpongeBob
Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say.
"The only people, who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one".
SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first! [walks out from behind the counter] And not just the extra ones. [walks off as SpongeBob follows]
SpongeBob
But it's good for you!
[turns around] Good for you?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob
No, Squidward, I meant... good for your soul. [background turns to a heaven-like sky and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo and doves are seen flying in the background and a choir is heard]
Oh, please! I have no soul! [background turns to fire, and flying bats and evil laughter are heard. Squidward is surprised, stopping those effects, and looks to the viewer's left. He walks off]
What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?
[with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty] I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. [drops the patty in the garbage]
I had to say garbage... but, okay! [runs to the garbage can. He sees the Krabby Patty. He inhales deeply and eats almost everything in the garbage can. When he lifts up his head, he suddenly realizes the Krabby Patty ends up being the only thing left in the garbage. He extends his tongue, revealing all the trash he ate. He spits out what's in his mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty]
SpongeBob
Oh no! [runs over and grabs it out of Squidward's hand] What's this doing here?! This patty should be cremated! [runs to the furnace, throws it in, and cries. Squidward walks up] I know you didn't like him, but... it means so much that you came. [runs off and Squidward cries]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
