Hmm, honey...? [wakes up] What? [groaning] Ohh! I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me! [runs out of his house, panting, but tiptoes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab, putting his face up against the door] There it is unguarded! All I have to do is--! Wait, it's too easy. There must be some kind of security? [sees dripping coming from above the door inside and looks up and notices a bucket] This is our burglar alarm? A bucket of water? Ha-ha. [walks in, knocking the bucket off the door] That was too easy. [sniffs] Hey, this isn't water. This is gas! [A robotic arm with an ignited match drops it, lighting a screaming Squidward on fire, who runs all the way into the kitchen, where another bucket of gas falls on him and then fire is seen again, as he screams again in pain. Finally, he walks up to the Patty Vault, wide-eyed, and opens the door to reveal hundreds and hundreds of Krabby Patties. In later TV airings, after Squidward says "There it is...", the camera zooms in on the Patty Vault, and Squidward does the same routine after the zoom in; he gasps] Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start. [picks up a patty] All that matters is that it's just you... and me... and nobody...
SpongeBobSquidward? [Squidward's face drops] Is that you?
[turns around] SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? [points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again]
SpongeBob
[takes off his green hat] I always come to work at 3:00 AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds. What are you doing here?
SpongeBob
And why is the patty vault open?
SpongeBob
And why are you holding a patty behind your back?
I... I... I... no, I didn't do...
SpongeBob
And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [stops, and grins very smugly]
No, no, wait...it's not what you think. Th-This is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you! You better listen to me, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob
You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?
[slams the vault door, and emerges from the big piles of Krabby Patties happily] Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I LOVE KRABBY PATTIES! [eats two patties]
SpongeBob I knew it all along, Squidward. No one can resist a Krabby Patty. [Squidward eats a bunch of Krabby Patties in all sorts of ways, even a dozen at a time] Squidward! How many are you eating? Squidward! [Squidward keeps eating all the Krabby Patties in the vault, Pac-Man style] Squidward, you can't eat all those patties at one time! SQUIDWARD!
What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob
No, worse - it'll go right to your thighs!
My thighs? [pan down showing Squidward's enlarged thighs]
SpongeBob
...and then you blow up!
[Then the Krusty Krabs explodes. We see the ambulence carrying Squidward's head while the physician carries a bucket of Squidward's body]
PPhysician
[chuckles] I remember my first Krabby Patty...
[Episode ends]
SpongeBob
Hi. I'm SpongeBob!
FFlats
Hi, SpongeBob. I'm gonna kick your butt.
SpongeBob
Whoa! [giggles] That joke was almost funnier the second time!
FFlats
[gets close to SpongeBob] No, I mean it.
SpongeBob
[giggles again] That time it almost seemed like... [Flats tears off his chest hair revealing "I MEAN IT".] ...you did mean it. [Mrs. Puff is writing on the board] Mrs. Puff?
SpongeBob
Can I be excused for the rest of my life?
It must’ve been years since we seen each other. Oh, let me get going, he”s Gotta go back to school, soon, he says he’s gonna kick somebody’s butt.
SpongeBob
Aah!
Hello, is this pizza castle?
[SpongeBob slams to a door]
SpongeBob
Oh Gary, I'm too young to have my butt kicked! There are so many things in life I haven't gotten to do! [cut to SpongeBob in an office building at a desk, on the phone] Hang on, I'll transfer your call. [cut back to a knock on the door] Who is it? [door falls down. SpongeBob sees Flats and screams] Flats!
FFlats
It's butt-kicking time!
SpongeBob
Gary, there's something I want you to know, but I'm too scared to remember what it is. [Flats cracks his knuckles more and more. SpongeBob breathes harder and harder. Flats brushes his teeth and gargles. SpongeBob breathes harder]
SpongeBob
Go away, Gary. I don't want you to see this. It'll be ugly. [Gary gets out a camera from his shell]
SpongeBob
Hold on. [puts a blindfold over his eyes] Okay, I'm ready. [Flats punches SpongeBob, but it doesn't hurt him] I said I'm ready. [Flats tries again but same result happens] Didn't you hear me? I said I'm ready. [Flats punches him again and this time SpongeBob giggles] That tickles. [Flats keeps punching him but nothing seems to hurt SpongeBob] Gary, I'm absorbing his blows like I was made of some kind of spongy material! Do you know what that means? I get to go to work tomorrow! [cut to next day where SpongeBob is in the Krusty Krab kitchen, grilling, and Flats is still punching SpongeBob, then scene cuts to him playing cards with Gary] You have any sevens?
SpongeBob
[chasing jellyfish, walking out of the bathroom, sleeping, and eating breakfast, while Flats is still punching him. Cut to boating school as SpongeBob is sitting at his desk and Flats is punching, but is now exhausted. He passes out due to exhaustion] Flats, are you okay? [everyone cheers] Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that's riding down a violent road to nowhere; a road I call... [clenches fist] ...'violence road'.
[walks in] Sorry I'm late, class, I... [gasps as she sees SpongeBob's fist and Flats on the ground] SpongeBob! I can't believe you beat up a new student! [zoom out of school] I'm going to kick your butt!
[Episode ends]
We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin! Be on the lookout for a man who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food! That's all for now.
[infuriated] FREE FOOD?!?!
SpongeBob
Maybe we oughta tell our guy about the phony impostor.
You loony loofah, he is the impostor! We've been duped!
SpongeBob
Duped!
SpongeBob
We've been smeckledorfed!
That's not even a word and I agree with ya!
We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash! The fake inspector has been captured! Here is his picture. [The photo of the impostor is shown; he looks nothing like the health inspector that visited the Krusty Krab] If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.
SpongeBob
Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.
[gasps] I don't think he'll be laughin', boy.
SpongeBob
Why, sir?
Because that patty KILLED HIM!
[The two scream, then check the inspector before screaming again]
SpongeBob
Mr. Krabs, what are we gonna do?!
What's this "we" stuff? You fed him the tainted patty! Looks like it's the stony lonesome for you!
SpongeBob
But you told me to give it to him!
Well, you could've talked me out of it!
SpongeBob
First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.
The noises! How are you two making those noises?
Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.
SpongeBob
And... imagination. [forms a rainbow with his hands]
Are you trying to say I have no imagination? I have more..."imagination" in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.
That's good. Now all you need is a box.
[The two are trying to reverse the effects of a shrink ray on Mermaid Man's utility belt]
You know what the problem is?
SpongeBob
What?
You got it set to "M" for "mini"... [turns the "M" on the belt upside down] ...When it should be set to "W" for "wumbo".
SpongeBob
Patrick, I don't think "wumbo" is a real word.
Come on! You know. I wumbo, you wumbo, he she me, wumbo! Wumbo, wumboing ...
[thinking] I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me.
...Wumbology - the study of wumbo? It's first grade, Spongebob.
Spongebob
Patrick, I'm sorry I doubted you.
[SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to rob the bank. They're both wearing a huge sock over their heads like a mask and are unable to see. SpongeBob has his back to the teller window]
SpongeBob
Alright! Put the money. In. The. Bag! PUT IT IN!
BTBank Teller (Nat)
Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.
SpongeBob
[turns around, laughing] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!
BTBank Teller (Nat)
Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
SpongeBob
Uhh, savings.
BTBank Teller (Nat)
May I please see some identification?
SpongeBob
Sure. [gives him a card] Here ya go.
BTBank Teller (Nat)
Thank you. [The card is shown to be SpongeBob's Jellyfishers Club Membership card; SpongeBob gives Patrick a thumbs up] Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.
SpongeBob
Oh.
BTBank Teller (Nat)
Next.
SpongeBob
Patrick, she has lost it! She's completely institutionalized. She's forgotten what it's like to live on the outside, to not be in prison!
[Cut to a fish caught in traffic, then miserably working at a cubicle, and then solemnly looking out his window]
WWife
Coming to bed, honey?
[Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick]
SpongeBob
We've gotta remind her that there is a life other than this! Mrs. Puff, if you come with us, I’ll stay after school, and decorate the whole classroom.
For the last time, No! I’m not going with you, that's final! Oh, oh.
BBBikini Bottom Jail Guard
Talking to inanimate objects again, huh, Puff? Hmph. Get back to your cell. No more kitchen time for you.
PGPrison Guard No. 1
What the barnacle is going on?!
Get away from me! Get away!
PGPrison Guard No. 1
What are you talking about, Puff?
You can't fool me. You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili. [rips off the guards' faces]
PGPrison Guard No. 1
Let's face it, Puff. You've gone off the deep end.
[Scene cuts to a second guard throwing Mrs. Puff, who is in a straitjacket, in a small, yellow square room]
PGPrison Guard No. 2
Get in there, you! You need a nice long stay in solitary confinement! [slams the door, which makes a squeaking sound]
Oh, well. Let's look at the positives again. I'm finally away from those two. Yes. All alone in my nice, soft room.
SpongeBob
Made of sponge! [laughs. The room is made of yellow sponge as SpongeBob's face appears on all sides of the wall. Mrs. Puff shrieks; the scene suddenly changes back to her hollering from SpongeBob's failed driving test]
MOfficer Malley (Green)
Freeze! Your joyride's over, punk. [police officers walk over]
No! What? [policemen arrest SpongeBob this time, because he now failed the driving test] Huh? What?
SpongeBob
No. No! What are you doing? Help! Help! [As the officers carry him to the jail vehicle, he kicks his legs.] No, no, please! No! I have a snail to feed. I can't go to jail now. This is not a good time. No, please, please! I'm not a criminal! [They throw him into the back of the police car, then drives off to jail]
I can't believe it. It was all a dream. I'm not going to jail!
MOfficer Malley (Orange)
Why would you go to jail? You already did your time. [zoom out to reveal Mrs. Puff wearing prison striped clothes of black and white with a prison ball chained to her ankle. She squeals as the scene goes back to her hollering while the boat is in mid-air again as she's driving it with the police behind her]
Huh? Oh... it's just my imagination again. [zooms out to show Donna driving the boat]
DDonna
So, what's for dinner tonight, Puff Mama, chili? [Mrs. Puff hollers again as the scene goes back to her final hollering with SpongeBob driving the boat in mid-air one last time, but without the police cars behind them]
Huh? What? Huh? Ah, forget it. [the episode ends]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
