[Frank and Scotty are making passionate love with Abraham walking down the hallway with two lover boys and hotel bellhop Jésus]
SScotty
Oh, give it to me, Rihanna! Yeah! Oh, yeah!
SScotty
Go! Almost there. Oh, almost there! [Abraham enters the room]
Oh, my God. I-I can explain.
Reparative therapy? Jésus, get her out of here. [Lover boys start dressing and manhandling Scotty out of room]
SScotty
But I can fix him. I can try harder.
Jesus, get her out! You let yourself be brainwashed by Alistair Huddleston and his "Return To Paradise Project" lunatics?
I thought she was a he. She was wearing Pendleton plaid and combat boots. Paul Bunyan's blue ox would have been fooled. All she needed was an axe.
I'm gay! Hey, Jesus, wait. I'm gay. I'm completely 100% gay.
Good. Now you're gonna prove it. Boys. [Lover boys take their place and disrobe and Abraham sits on bench] I like to watch.
[Dreading tone] Oh, boy. I mean, [with fake enthusiasm] oh, boy!
[Two officers are arresting Carl outside house]
1Officer 1
We know you've been stealing.
1Officer 1
Kid, settle down. Can I help you? Who are you?
His brother. What's going on?!
1Officer 1
We have reason to believe this child may have robbed his former foster parents.
1Officer 1
He had a code assigned to him. He's the only one that knows it.
That's not evidence. Get your hands off him.
1Officer 1
His code was a series of four letters. C-A-R-L.
Take your fucking hands off him, man. He's just a fucking kid.
1Officer 1
That's enough of that. Step back.
2Officer 2
Take your hands off the officer right now. [Frank wakes up in the van overhearing] It's gonna be okay. He stole from people. We're taking him in.
What are you taking him in for? He's a fucking kid.
Carl, come here. Get your fucking hands off me.
1Officer 1
I will arrest you. Do not touch him.
Why you being so rough with him?
OOfficer
Why is he being so rough with him?
You touch him again, I will arrest you.
OOfficer
Are you the parent?
What the fuck are you doing here?
OOfficer
We're taking your son in for questioning.
He didn't do the heist. I did. You see? Shiny, but a little bit big. I also got a boatload of electronics. Those sold fast. Did you know Chicago has several 24-hour pawn shops? He didn't-- He's innocent. I forced him to give me the code. Didn't I, son? Tell him. Oh, my God. He's dumber than a bag of hair. He couldn't pull off a Band-Aid, much less a robbery. [Turns back to officers and prepares hands for cuffs] Okay, here, cuff me before I get disorderly. [Gets put in cruiser] Be brave, son. Order room service.
[Shows up] What happened?
Last-minute. Hey, where's my knife?
Carl, my SOG SEAL Team. It's the best fixed blade I got.
My samurai sword broke. Need a backup till it's fixed.
What if the zombie apocalypse goes down? Who's gonna protect Debbie and Liam?
Promise you're not gonna use it on anything human.
Anything living. Promise.
Promise. Can you teach me the different handgrips?
[Veronica is walking quickly down hospital hall with Carol following after her and Kevin following behind]
Veronica, I promise, I swear I had no idea.
Ladies, please. [Veronica shoves Carol] V, that's not right. [Brings up phone] Although I should probably record this... in case we wanna upload it to our site. Make money. Just watch her belly.
Just trying to keep the peace.
You know. You're a walking pee stick.
In the past. This time... There's no; this time.
You kept quiet because you wanted to keep fucking my husband. [To couple sitting nearby] What the fuck are you looking at, huh?! My husband fucked my mother to get pregnant! Can't all have our baby normal!
Hey, what can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.
Okay. Okay, I thought I might be pregnant.
But, honey, look, I didn't know. I didn't take a test. I didn't wanna know.
Because I liked what we had.
Not what we, me and Kev had. What we all had.
What are you talking about?
I was so lonely. When you called me to help out, it made me feel wanted. Wanted in a loving way. In a family way. Needed. Important.
[Holds up fetus photo talking in a squeaky voice] Hey, I'm the baby fetus. Please don't fight anymore. I know Kev is a big hot stud and you couldn't resist his giant cock penis... but I'm all that matters now, right?
[Frank and Lip are at an upscale restaurant]
What does it take to get a refill around here?
Jacket and tie would probably help.
Ugh. This is nice. We don't spend enough time together.
No, we don't spend any time together.
Exactly my point. You know, son, you can always come to me.
Parent's plight. Never goes away. No matter how old your kid gets. Look at you. Eighteen now. A high school graduate, heh. Where the fuck is that waiter?
Don't go getting misty-eyed on me now.
Need any words of fatherly advice?
I think I got it covered.
Come on, come on. What's on your mind? Okay, why not? Day couldn't get any weirder. Um....
I'm done with school. I have no idea what I'm gonna do today, or tomorrow, or for the rest of my life, heh.
Good for you. You're just like me, we march to the beat of a different drummer. Everyone will try to cage you in. Tell you to worry about your future. Know what your future should be? This. Living life to the fullest. Every day, like it's your last. This place is single-handedly lowering my tolerance. Let's hit the liquor store. [Brings out cash wad]
Hey, whoa, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?
I'll take the front door.
Excuse me, I gotta take this call. Can we see a dessert menu, please?
[Debbie beats Carl to the occupancy of the bathroom]
Use the downstairs bathroom.
You're young. You'll live. [Carl walks down hallway] No. Absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony. [Fiona goes outside and a stream goes near her] What the fuck?! Carl! [Waves to woman in her backyard] Good morning, Mrs. Babiak. [Carl comes down stairs] There's a toilet right there. Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.
Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.
Use the toilet like a human.
Can I have Lip's old room?
No. He's at college. Seriously, cut the shit with the nature whizzing or you won't live here anymore. That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops. And no, you can't have Lip's old room.
[Debbie is speaking to Mandy at Milkovich residence front door]
Ian's still missing. Have you heard from him?
[Mandy shakes head in a sorry-can't-help-you kind of way]
Nothing? Not even a call or a text?
Sorry. [Mandy's face seems to say "How naive are you? Can't you tell that I want you to go away?]
So you want to know how Lip's doing?
Not really. [Mandy's face says "I can't possibly care less about that douche]
[Mandy puts on a forced sarcastic smile] Good for him!
[Mandy's face then turns "God, seriously?" then slams door in Debbie's face then walks into kitchen with Mickey and a man going through stolen mail]
This is a bunch of bills, chink delivery menus and press-on-nail coupons. What mailboxes you robbing? Dearborn projects?
MSMan sitting at kitchen table beside Mickey
No, apartment complex over by Rush. There's an ATM card.
Congratulations. It has no fucking pin number. What are you gonna do, rob the same mailboxes every day until they send the pin? [Makes a look of absolute disgust to him]
[To Svetlana] Hey, you. This is all you made yesterday?
[Svetlana nods in a matter of factual way]
How many Johnsons did you squash?
That's, like, 12 bucks a wank! [To Mandy] Who was at the door?
She was looking for Ian. Seen him?
I don't. Said Lip was doing good in college.
I am almost done with the quarterly Midwest regional reports. Can I get them to you after lunch? No sweat.
CConnie
You've been working here three months as of today.
Wow, three months? Really? Great.
CConnie
After 90 days your full benefits kick in. Medical, dental, pension.
Really? That's fantastic.
CConnie
So now it's time for the talk.
CConnie
[Sets binder on Fiona's desk and opens it] The 401 K talk. Have you decided which plan you'd like to adopt?
CConnie
Your retirement savings plan. You're eligible to participate. Every month you deposit part of your salary into your 401 K and the company matches it, tax-free.
Deposit part of my salary?
CConnie
But the big decision is the asset allocation mix you decide to elect. Money market funds, bonds, stocks, large cap, small cap, treasuries. :
You decide the risk profile you're willing to take, get your elective deferral documents notarized and you'll be all set. Easy peasy.
[Lip approaches his African-American TA]
Yeah, I don't understand my grade on this paper. That would be a D?
TATeaching Assistant
Uh, yeah, I remember this one. I graded it.
Okay, so if you graded it, what was wrong with it?
TATeaching Assistant
Uh, it sucked.
It sucked? Um, look, I-I covered everything the assignment asked for. It was facile and glib.
TATeaching Assistant
You danced around and you tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.
Oh, original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage? Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.
TATeaching Assistant
Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together. You thought nobody would notice, but I noticed. Why are you taking this class anyway?
Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.
TATeaching Assistant
Well, look, you got another week to add/drop before you're stuck in here, all right? You don't want to work any harder than this piece of shit, I suggest you find yourself another course.
[Kevin goes by to visit Stan at the rest home only to discover him passed away]
[Walking down hallway] Hey! What the fuck man! He's dead!
WRWard receptionist
Which one?
WRWard receptionist
Sorry for your loss. You family?
WRWard receptionist
Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people over the phone when a patient dies, so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.
WRWard receptionist
Yeah. It's Joaquin. He ain't never show up for his overnight shift so we don't know how long he's been laying up in there dead. You got a mortuary you need me to call for you? Pick up the body?
When was the last time these things were cleaned?
April. Here you go, Alan. Breakfast of champions. And some OJ if you'd like. Yeah, I wouldn't count on that expiration date, though. Not much use of orange juice in this place.
Really, I'm good. Dad didn't age very well, did he? And he was in his 60s in those pictures. You should've seen him in his 80s.
Whoa. Hey, man's dead. Have some respect.
No, no, it's fine. He and I, I'm sure you know, didn't get along very well. You know, to be honest with you, I didn't even know you existed.
He only mentioned having a daughter.
[Chuckles] That would be me.
LLawyer
When you're ready, we can begin. I have Stanley's will here, which I'd like to read to you. Um, but out of respect, you know, I'll skip some of the colorful language. Oh, no. Please, go ahead, read it. I'm sure we've all heard it before. Uh, I, Stanley Winston Kopchek, being of sound mind and body, leave to my sniveling, faggoty, fag of a fagorama daughter by the name of Alan Willard Kopchek my gun collection, in the hopes that she'll kill herself before she chugs another AIDS cock.
Not sure we all heard that before.
LLawyer
And to the man who I wished had been born my son, Kevin Ball, I leave my beloved Alibi room. What? Oh, my. I knew it would be bad. I didn't know it would be that... Alan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Absolutely, you should. He was probably drunk when he wrote it.
LLawyer
Everything was done by the book.
You know what? Never mind. Let Kevin have the bar.
Alan, are you-- are you sure? That doesn't seem fair.
You... oh, come on, do you think the homophobes that come in this place are gonna take to me as the owner? You could always sell it. Okay, tell you what we'll do. Kevin, why don't you send me $500 a month for two years, about what I would've gotten if I had sold this shit hole?
LLawyer
Okay. So I'll-- I'll write up the paperwork. I'll get you both a copy then.
That sounds fair. Alan, thank you. I-I promise, I will uphold Stan's legacy. The good stuff, not all that "faggoty, fag, AIDS cock" stuff.
Do you mind if I take dad?
LLawyer
Of course. [Lawyer hands Alan the cremation urn and Alan throws it on the ground shattering it and whipping up a dusty cloud with all of them coughing]
