Alan quotes from Shameless

When was the last time these things were cleaned?

Kev

April. Here you go, Alan. Breakfast of champions. And some OJ if you'd like. Yeah, I wouldn't count on that expiration date, though. Not much use of orange juice in this place.

Really, I'm good. Dad didn't age very well, did he? And he was in his 60s in those pictures. You should've seen him in his 80s.

Kev

Whoa. Hey, man's dead. Have some respect.

No, no, it's fine. He and I, I'm sure you know, didn't get along very well. You know, to be honest with you, I didn't even know you existed.

Kev

He only mentioned having a daughter.

Kev

[Chuckles] That would be me.

When you're ready, we can begin. I have Stanley's will here, which I'd like to read to you. Um, but out of respect, you know, I'll skip some of the colorful language. Oh, no. Please, go ahead, read it. I'm sure we've all heard it before. Uh, I, Stanley Winston Kopchek, being of sound mind and body, leave to my sniveling, faggoty, fag of a fagorama daughter by the name of Alan Willard Kopchek my gun collection, in the hopes that she'll kill herself before she chugs another AIDS cock.

Not sure we all heard that before.

And to the man who I wished had been born my son, Kevin Ball, I leave my beloved Alibi room. What? Oh, my. I knew it would be bad. I didn't know it would be that... Alan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

I'll contest the will.

Kev

Absolutely, you should. He was probably drunk when he wrote it.

Everything was done by the book.

You know what? Never mind. Let Kevin have the bar.

Kev

Alan, are you-- are you sure? That doesn't seem fair.

You... oh, come on, do you think the homophobes that come in this place are gonna take to me as the owner? You could always sell it. Okay, tell you what we'll do. Kevin, why don't you send me $500 a month for two years, about what I would've gotten if I had sold this shit hole?

Okay. So I'll-- I'll write up the paperwork. I'll get you both a copy then.

Kev

That sounds fair. Alan, thank you. I-I promise, I will uphold Stan's legacy. The good stuff, not all that "faggoty, fag, AIDS cock" stuff.

Do you mind if I take dad?

Of course. [Lawyer hands Alan the cremation urn and Alan throws it on the ground shattering it and whipping up a dusty cloud with all of them coughing]

Thank you.

[A montage of archival historical footage] Chicago, the city of broad shoulders, the Windy City, a city with a multitude of voices, languages, and a vibrant history. From the four corners of the Earth, people come to the city on the lake to work and help create a truly modern metropolis. Yep, from all four corners of the Earth, all right. Polacks and krauts and dagos and the lowest of the low, the Irish... starving spud famine refugees, like us Gallaghers. Every important moment in Chicago history, a Gallagher was there. The Chicago Fire, Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that was Great-Great-Grandma Gallagher's Holstein. The union stockyard workers, the poor bastards butchering 6,000 steers a day, covered in blood and shit, all Gallaghers. The Black Sox score-fixing scandal, a Gallagher. No, he wasn't a player. He was a gambler. Set the whole thing up. Made a bundle. Prohibition, Capone, you think it was all Italians? Hell no. It was Gallaghers that provided the homicidal muscle. The riots at the Democratic Convention in '68, yep, that was me. Part of the Chicago Eight.

[Scene cuts to present with Alan holding boom mike] The Chicago Eight? I thought it was the Chicago Seven.

It was eight. I was at a White Castle getting burgers for Abbie and the guys when the pigs broke in. So they only took seven and put 'em on trial. Where we're standing, right here, on Ashland Avenue, there were 20 bars on this block 100 years ago, each and every one of 'em owned by a Gallagher. Now we got three hipster coffee shops. It was seven before the COVID took down the weak. Chinamen did us a favor with that virus. Who the hell needs seven coffee shops? Hey, do you know why they call this part of the South Side back of the Yards?

Sure, it was right behind the...

No, no, not because it was behind the stockyards, because it was the back of the Gallagher yards. Every single house owned by a Gallagher.

Is any of this true?

Frank

"Is any of this true"?! The Gallaghers built Chicago single-handedly. Come on, I'll take you to Leavitt Street. I'll show you the tenement where Paddy Gallagher wrote The Jungle.

Frank

You see that house with the "For Sale" sign? The Sons of Columbus burned a cross in the yard the first night the Jacksons moved in. But the Jacksons were tough. Used to be sharecroppers in Alabama. A racist bonfire didn't scare them. Mr. Jackson died of the 'VID last spring. He was a janitor over at Mercy. [Holds up almost empty slurpee cup] Getting a little dry here, laddie. [Alan rummages in backpack and holds up a bottle of J&B whiskey] My memory elixir! Hey... thanks for caring for what I have to say, by the way.

Well, you're the only person who responded to my flyer. [Frank laughs]

Frank

[Reads off bus stop bench] "Units start as low as $170,000". [To Alan] Time was, you could've bought a whole block down here for that much money. Everything's changing. The Prius crowd is moving in, taking advantage of the folks who lost their jobs in the Corona hoax. Let's go over by the park. I'll show you where the best crack house in Chicago used to be, see if any of the old gang's still around.