TV show quotes
[Jimmy withdraws cash at an ATM when a girl comes up behind him pointing a pistol]
Give me the money!
What the fuck?! What the fuck?!
Give me your money!
Is that a toy gun?! [Mugger girl fires a shot in the air with Jimmy handing her the cash who then runs away and Jimmy starts repeatedly swinging a carseat on the road] Aah! Fuck! Fuck! Aah! Fuck you! Fuck you! Aah!
Get in. We drink.
Fuck! Oh, god damn it!
[Frank is walking past an alleyway bar]
Hey, faggot.
I am not a faggot. And I could sue you for the use of the word.
Whoa, Nellie. I'm on your side. Come on in. Let us buy you a drink. Come on. I'm not gonna bite- unless you ask me to.
You, um- you plagiarized Nelson Mandela.
Who?
The MIT Application essay.
Oh, you think I should have wrote it myself?
No. I think you shouldn't have Applied to colleges for me without asking me.
I did ask you. I asked you, like, 100 times to get the applications in, And you ignored me.
For a reason.
What reason, that you're an idiot? That you want to waste your life laying around In this shit-hole neighborhood forever? You have any idea how much stuff I had to steal and sell to pay those application fees? It was a huge pain in the ass, and I did it for you. So you could be a little bit nicer about it. You know, you might even want to say thank you.
Thank you. [They make passionate love]
Please tell your father I'm a big fan. It's truth, you see? What's truth? That you are no good for Fiona.
What the hell do you know?
I know you are not meant for this life. You are a rich boy, born with a silver spoon, eh? It's okay not to be ashamed. I am from the favela. Okay? And now I have silver spoon. You can go that way. But the other way? [Scoffs] That way is just misery. Bitter. Resent. [speaking Portuguese] It's better you should go now, before Fiona, and the kids get more, uh, what's the...?
Attached.
Attached, yes. Or before you and Fiona make a baby together. 'cause after a baby, Then it's misery, bitter, resent forever. Men, we need space to think. So walk, think. This time, I will not follow you.
Thanks, man.
Hey, but if you break any laws, I will chop off both your hands, eh?
I got it.
You use that Mandela speech in all the applications?
No, mixed it up a little bit. Couple of dead presidents and some guy called "Gandy."
Gandhi?
I don't get why you'd want me to go to MIT. You know, Boston's pretty far away.
I thought maybe you'd take me with you, but--
But what?
No one's ever been as good to me as you have. You're better than this neighborhood. You're better than anyone I've ever met. And you deserve to get out. Even if you don't take me with you. Which I never really thought you would anyway.
[Ian finds Mickey sitting in an abandoned building who throws a chunk near Ian]
So is it true? You're getting married? So who is it? Is it Angie Zahgo Or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?
[Ian breaks off a chunk and throws it near chunk Mickey] Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?!
Oh, he speaks! [Mickey walks out of building ignoring him] So that's it! We're over?! Your dad beats the shit out of us, and you're just gonna get married, no conversation?! Nothing?! [Ian grabs Mickey who turns to him]
Get the fuck off me!
Oh, you want to fag bash? That make you feel like a man? Come on. Go ahead! Do it! [Mickey punches Ian in the gut slumping down] You love me... And you're gay. Just admit it, just this once. Just fucking admit it. [Mickey punches Ian in the face falling down flat] You feel better now? You feel like a man?
I feel better now.
[Lying in a backyard with Abraham Paige's assistant lifting Frank's eyelids to confirm life waiking Frank who looks up to Abraham with the sun shining behind him]
Oh, hey. Bright. [Chuckles]
Mr. Gallagher, when you're ready to rise, we'd like to buy you a meal and have a chat.
...
[Frank is at a restaurant with Abraham and associate digging into his meal]
We've looked into your records, Frank. You're an alcoholic, a derelict. Not the kind of man we usually want on our side. But you, my friend, have stumbled ass over teakettle into the most significant moment in the history of the gay rights movement. We both know that we're not second-class citizens, but there are a lot of people in this country who still need convincing. And you are the missing piece in our puzzle. You're blue-collar, working-class, Irish-Catholic. You have the ears of the people whose minds most need changing. You also have dog shit on your face and no place to live, but we can fix that if you agree to work with us.
You've got my attention, mister...
Paige. Abraham Paige. We'll clean you up. We'll house you. We'll coach you. Do you remember "Joe the Plumber"? Heard of him?
He's a personal hero of mine.
Well, you are gay joe.
Frank the plumber?
No. Frank, the father. Frank, the son. Frank, the neighbor. Frank, the face of the gay-rights movement.
[Mickey comes across Mandy cleaning the blood and hair from Karen off the Milkovich car]
What did you hit?
A girl from school.
[Pause] Make sure you check for hair behind the grill.
[Frank and Abraham are at a convention of a hotel conference room]
Hey. Okay, let's get started. You all know why you're here. You've seen his story on the news, on Twitter feeds, on your Facebook walls. His is a tale of a lifetime in the closet, of a brave midlife embrace of his true nature, and an acknowledgment that he is a lightning rod for a vital civil rights issue. Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Gallagher. Frank?
Um... We're at a-- we are at a crucial time in our nation's history. Where, as a nation, we'll either pivot toward what's right... or, um... stay stuck in what's wrong, and make no mistake, right now, it's a horrible time to be gay. And I, like all of you, have experienced it firsthand. Apparently, I've caused a ruckus because I said that gay folks deserve certain civil rights-- rights that the breeders don't want to bestow upon me. Ha, ha, ha. Upon we. Those breeders, all they wanna do is stop us from having the sex that they wish they were having. If... if-- if the kind of sex we're having is what offends them most, they should let us get married, 'cause anybody who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there. Now, we have long-- thank you. We have long been wronged, and it's time for legislation that allows our private parts to be aroused by the people God intended to arouse them. And-- and it's time for that arousal to happen within marriage! So get out your wallets, or your-- your man purses, or whatever, and give now, 'cause I hope never to be up again this early, unless it's rolling over with a couple of you in bed. Thank you. I love you.
Shit, you're good! How did you get so good?
My whole life, I've been trying to convince people to do what they really don't want to do. The-- the envelope, kind sir? Thank you, thank you. Now, we gotta talk about upgrading my room.
Uh, you can tip the front desk with some of my recently departed hard-earned cash. The front desk at the Merchant Motor Inn is behind bulletproof glass.
It's plexiglass. You have a queen bed and premium channels.
You saw what I did here. I'm your new rainmaker. I can get these rump-swappers to cough up cash night and day.
"Rump-swappers"? There's a slur I've never heard before. Okay, we'll see how the high school speech goes, but until then, you're still on the clock, so go shake some hands, ya little rump-swapper. [Slaps Frank's butt]
You saucy tart, you.
[Alistair approaches Frank at the Alibi Room]
Allow me to introduce myself. Alistair Huddleston. Can I buy you a drink?
Make it two. To men.
I work for "Return To Paradise Project." We're a transformational ministry specializing in conversion therapy. We return homosexuals to healthy heterosexual lifestyles.
Why would you go do that?
We believe that homosexuality is curable. Though some find pleasure in it, homosexuality is an addiction, an addiction that tears families apart.
I have a gay son. Never have to worry about him impregnating some skanky neighborhood slut and bringing home her unplanned-for half-breed. I wish I'd known I was gay back then. I could've risen high in any one of the many fields dominated by gays. Entertainment, politics, broadcasting. Tennis.
You're working for Abraham Paige's agenda?
I'm cleaning up. Helping the oppressed.
They're addicted, not oppressed, and we can pay you more.
How much more?
Stipend, room, board, and substantial speaking fees upon completion of therapy.
I draw the line at therapy.
But Frank, see, without the therapy, there's no cure. I want to be able to say we cured you. Gay is who I am now. Gay is who I shall be. Frank, you once walked the true path of heterosexual love. If I were to redirect you back onto that path, you'll be a much more compelling speaker for our cause, because you'll have been singed by the fires of hell, but lived to tell. Our therapy works. It starts with aversion techniques, conditioning you to avoid certain gay-sex triggers. Clinical fornication would start once you've practiced some of those techniques.
Sorry, clinical fornication?
We house you in the Delacroix Hotel, and deliver women to you to have sex with until you're cured.
I-I-I'm sorry, I interrupted you. What--?
We feel this is a lesser sin than sodomy. I grant that this seems unconventional, but new ideas are necessary to counter unwavering plagues. We're paving a road back to God, and the devil has erected obstacles that call for rule-bending in service of a greater good.
Throw in some walking around money, and I'll give it a shot.
[Lip is smoking at his bedroom window reminiscing over pics with Karen on his phone and Ian comes in throwing his backpack at a window near Lip]
That whore that Mickey's marrying is an actual whore that works at Garden Springs Spa.
Friends and family discounts on handy-Js.
Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him.
When?
After he caught us together.
What? When? Dude, how did I not know this shit?
I didn't tell you.
Well, did it work?
I mean, he might've faked it once or twice, but he wants to be with me. I know what he felt with me. You can't fake that. And now, this chick is pregnant.
[Puts hand on Ian's head] Ian, my brother, you need to get out there and fuck someone new, okay? And someone in his early 20s, not some old dude like Kash or Ned.
Fuck you.
All right, seriously, go into a gay bar, make your need known, and have at it.
Mandy's upset you're upset about Karen.
Jesus. How many people is Mandy talking to?
She cares about you.
Why... I don't know.
You can be a real shithead.
How did we get this mixed up with two people from the Milkovich family?
Um... Bad parenting.
Yeah.
[Wheels in room service for Frank in his hotel room] Prime rib for two?
Right there. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.
[Lays plate on coffee table] And here you go, and here you go. Mr. Gallagher? Please excuse my informality, but I saw you on TV, and just, on behalf of the entire gay community, I want to thank you for putting yourself in the crosshairs of this political issue. I mean, it's courageous and inspiring. Whatever you need while you are here... uh... please, just do not hesitate to ask.
Ketchup.
What?
Ketchup.
Oh! Absolutely, yes. Um, my name is Jésus. Do you need me to sign you up for any spa treatments, or...
Well, I'm wide-open tomorrow, chockablock me some massages from sunup to sundown. Throw in a facial.
Okay- will do.
Ketchup.
Oh, right!
Is it possible that my teeth will spontaneously straighten out on their own?
Uh, Jimmy's going back to medical school. We can ask him to help.
I have red hair, freckles, and crooked teeth. Don't need any more character!
[Frank opens door to Alistair and Scotty]
Frank, this is Scotty.
Hi, Frank.
[Grabs Alistair] Could you excuse us just one second? I- [Pulls Alistair in the room aside with Scotty going near the bed] I am not gonna stop fucking men to start fucking women who look like men.
This is a ministry, not a brothel. The volunteers who are ready are teamed with others who are ready.
Thanks for being here and doing this with me.
Scotty's been with us for six months of hard, devoted work trying to overcome her lesbian tendencies. You're going to help each other.
[Starts taking clothes off] It's been a long road, but I want to be right with God.
As does Frank. Don't you, Frank?
It's always good to have God in your corner.
The goal of this stage is to stimulate one another, and see if stimulation can lead to copulation and orgasm. Okay, uh, you're anxious to go. I'm gonna slip out before you slip off anything else.
Is this really happening?
God willing. The last time Alistair brought a man in to see me, he left in tears after I got undressed. Last time I shave everything.
Scotty has been taking birth control, but as an extra precaution against STDs, please use the condoms I provided for you in the bathroom. Be like Adam and Eve, discovering one another for the first time in the Garden of Eden- naked, discovering each other, bringing to each other the pleasure that God intended for them. No shame, no guilt, no knowledge of things that distract us from God's love.
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