[Frank's family and many others are watching a vehicle ablaze]
Nobody's saying our neighborhood is the Garden of Eden. Hell, some people say God avoids this place altogether, but it's been a good home to us, to me and my kids, who I'm proud of, 'cause every single one of them reminds me a little bit of me. Fiona, my rock, huge help. Has all the best qualities of her mother, except she's not a raging psycho bitch. Blow. Lip, smart as a whip. Straight "A"s and the honor roll. Boy's definitely going somewhere. [Lip is running at full sprint from two police officers hot on his tail]
POPolice officers
You, come back! Stop!
Ian, industrious, conscientious, ambitious, incredible work ethic. Don't have a clue where he got that from. Wants to be a paratrooper. Knows how to disembowel an enemy with a roll of dimes and an old gym sock. Carl. Uh, I don't really know that much about Carl. Oh, loves animals. Always dragging home some poor stray he found, taking them up to his room. [Carl holds up a cat and blowtorch.] Ah, Debbie. Sent by God, total angel. Raises money for UNICEF year-round, some of which she actually turns in. Liam, going to be a star. I'm no biologist, but he looks a little bit like my first sponsor. He and the ex were close. Kev and Veronica, fantastic neighbors. There's nothing the won't do for each other. Or to each other. [Kevin and Veronica are performing BDSM]
That didn't hurt half as much as I thought it would!
I never realized how little sex I was having till V and Kev moved next door. And me, Frank Gallagher, father, teacher, knows the most important thing in this life... we know how to fucking party! [Multiple police cruisers arrive driving over the lawn and start mass arresting the specatcle attendees]
PPeople
No! Fuck you, man!
[Lip has arrived at Sheila's house to tutor her daughter Karen not before surrendering his shoes to be sealed in a ziploc bag]
She's got this thing about people bringing dirt in the house. Molysmophobia.
Right. Okay, so, um... if you remember it like this, the... the formula is completely visible. Um... okay. Midget naked witch is bending over, and she's crying 'cause she lost one ear and she can't find it.
How do you know all this?
Uh, just something I like to fool around with.
Uh, no. More like a plan.
Yeah, yeah. Have you done Newton's first? I've got a great one for that. Um, "Everybody continues [Karen goes under the table to fellate Lip] in a state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force." Uh, hang on. Karen, I'm, uh... I'm still going to have to charge you for this.
Yeah, this isn't charity. I get paid for tutoring.
I know. Science just turns me on.
If that wasn't bullshit, what was I wearing?
First time you saw me, if that wasn't a lie.
Black top with gold trim, black shiny jeans, thin shoes... straps... sandals. With your hair pinned high. Dangly gold earrings that made me smile. A big watch... too big, so it slid up your arm. But it looked great. And you were dancing next to red-haired girl in a green dress.
Yeah, yeah. Jenna. It was Jenna's birthday. So you were - you were watching her. She's a lot better looking than me.
Yeah, so how come you're not stalking Jenna?
Because you... you think like that and Jenna doesn't. Jenna dances for an audience. You dance like there's no one else in the room. Your life's not simple, Fiona, and you can't stop it from showing because you're no fake. You're not lost, you don't need finding. This whole city belongs to the Jennas, but I'm sick of them. I swear, Fiona, you're nothing like anyone I've ever met. You make me want to enjoy my life again. Are you there? Fiona?
[Fiona and Steve are an upscale restaurant]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What have I ever done to anybody, never mind you, that made me look unreliable? Un... unreliable.
People like you are just way too used to getting your own way.
And by people like me you mean people like what? Okay, wait, all right. Yes-no. All you got to do is agree or disagree. He thinks the sun shines out of his own ass. Agree or disagree.
He's overly generous and that bugs me.
Because I'm not used to get...
Because I'm not used to getting spoiled. Okay. So I lose respect for guys like Steve because people unlike Steve or people diametrically opposite to Steve have always let me down. So deciding that he's overeducated and has more money than sense is somehow more socially acceptable than asking myself, for instance, why do the men I always date treat me like shit?
Fuck you. [She gets up and starts to leave]
Either-or. [She stops and sits back down]
And you prefer a guy who's been around the block a few times.
Say, D block of a maximum security prison?
If he knew how to have fun, yeah, sure.
Fiona, I can't help my upbringing. So how come it's me again having to apologize for mine?
WWaiter
We finished here, guys?
We're working on it. You want to wait outside while I pay the bill?
All right. [He puts on valet jacket and he and Fiona leave the restaurant] Good evening, sir. [Sports car owner gives him key]
SCSports car owner
Thanks. [Steve drives ahead]
[Fiona calls Steve's phone and gets answering machine]
I don't buy and sell cars. I just sell them. But the cars I sell are mainly, uh, not mine. [Steve reverses back] Still looking for fun, Fiona?
Uh, gone when I woke up. [Lip walks outside to backyard to van to find Ian smoking]
[Shows Ian the binder full of clippings of bodybuilding men] How can that be good for you? Or... or... or... or that? How can that be good for you?
Yeah. You know what's not funny, huh?
I'm not telling you, all right?
Name a single time I've let you down.
All right, I guess it doesn't really matter 'cause, I mean, he's long gone now anyways, but, uh... Roger Spikey.
Roger Spikey? Fucking donkey dick Roger Spikey? The original beefmeister? Or did he start that rumor?
Whoa, that was a bit gay. What you just did there with your eyebrows. You want to watch that.
All right, fuck off, all right?
But seriously, like... like up the ass? Do you get used to that? Can someone get used to that? I mean... I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic. It just is.
"Just is." Like, like, we're only given our lungs to freakin' smoke, right?
[To Frank] Hey. Is that my shirt?
I-I'm just asking. [Frank headbutts Ian in the nose in front of whole family]
Guy in the bar said to pass it on.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank?!
You're drunk, Frank, you're drunk!
This-this is drunk? Stop it, okay, Steve? You want to see drunk?
Don't do this to your kids, Frank.
Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a fuckin' tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!
He's shitting his pants. Pussy.
Come on. Don't go. Come on. Puss, puss, puss, puss. What? You want to say something, pussy? Mr. Joe fucking...Ah, get the... Pussy.
It's a bloody nose. He's not dying.
Anybody notice that I'm bleeding?
You can't file a missing persons report on Frank.
Why not? Frank's always missing.
That's what I said. I mean, he's probably just sleeping it off at a friend's place.
He hasn't got any friends. Who'd give him a bed? Come on, we've found him in dumpsters, garbage trucks, Mrs. Lutski's bathtub. Never on the last Friday of the month.
What's Friday have to do with anything?
I'll call my watch commander.
How'd you get my dad to Toronto?
[Tosses cigarette pack] Canadian health warnings.
I, uh, smuggled him over the border in the trunk of my car. Uh, they didn't check going in.
How'd you get him in the trunk?
He was so plastered, he would have jumped into a coffin.
Uh, I had to run a car to Detroit. Plan was dump him someplace weird in Michigan, Flint maybe. When I saw the signs for Toronto, the idea kind of just... snowballed.
And you think it-it's funny?
No. Funny would have been Newfoundland.
[Frank is now in a police station jail cell]
How the hell did I end up in Canada?! Hey! I hate fucking Canada.
DSDesk sergeant
Keep it down in there.
I'm an American. Apple pie, lower 48, Air Supply.
DSDesk sergeant
If you're an American, where's your passport?
I don't have one! I told you, I never had a passport. I don't want a passport.
DSDesk sergeant
Shut up and sleep it off, okay?
Why would I want to come to Canada? So your national health care can make me wait 60 years for a new kidney? The whole country's a bunch of parka-wearing, draft-dodging, chickenshit cowards who didn't have the balls to stay home and fight the Vietcong to preserve our American way of life. No snow at the Winter Olympics? What the hell was that?!
CNCell neighbour
♪ O Canada... ♪
It's the Winter Olympics!
CNCell neighbour
♪ Our home and native land ♪
What are you doing? Holding your cocks, handing out maple leaf sugarloafs?
CNCell neighbour
♪ True patriot love... ♪
You couldn't even get the Olympic torch to fucking light!
CNCell neighbour
♪ In all thy sons command. ♪ That a Chicago accent?
CNCell neighbour
PhD... University of Chicago, school of economics.
Oh, man, thank you. Tell him, will ya...? Just tell him I'm an American. Hey, there's a guy back here knows I'm an American.
CNCell neighbour
I can help. Got any money?
CNCell neighbour
Cigarettes?
No. I don't have anything. Think you can get close enough to those bars for a reach around hand job?
Welcome home, Daddy. You decent? Thought you might be thirsty. [Hands him beer bottle] It's Canadian. There's more in fridge. I asked Veronica to get it.
I don't want anything Canadian in this house, from this point on. There's no hot water. For fuck's sake!
[Fiona hands envelope to him] Disability. It's Saturday. Bank's close at 12:00.
[To Debbie] Clean clothes, top of the dryer. [To Frank] Don't ever hit one of my kids again.
Who, Steve? He's probably still outside.
Well, tell him he's not welcome in my house.
He's the one who got you back.
Why would he do that? Hmm? When I woke up, in Toronto, in a park, looking like a fucking homeless tweaker, all I could smell was Drakkar Noir. Middle of a park... Drakkar Noir. I just spent five hours with him in that camper. Same fucking smell! Wish you'd taken a camera. Total shithole. Hey, what's urine and Canadian beer have in common? They both come from pussies. Bet you're the only one who missed me.
No, 'cause Carl said, "The cable's off. Where's the ladder?" And Lip said, "Dad's the only one who knows what to do on the pole." Did you see Toronto?
Christ, yeah! You can see right across all of Canada from the top. I didn't stay up there long, though. Don't know what Canadian women are into, but they couldn't take their eyes off me, like, "Hey, I'm having that guy." Got a bit unnerving, so I headed on back down. Bits of Canada are beautiful. You just have to know your way around.
Oh, ho-ho-ho. Every inch.
[Lip and Karen are walking down the street]
An hour and 54 minutes. Now, that's a record.
Yes. Now all we have to do is figure out how I can go back the same day and take it again for another kid. [Mickey and two goons walk up to them] Uh-oh.
He probably just wants to ask me out again.
If you like the smell of cow shit.
Got a B-plus on that paper you wrote for me.
Spread the word. I could use the business. Heard they're letting Iggy out of juvie.
My mom drove up to get him. Throwing a party for him this weekend.
He'll probably be back in before then, yeah?
Ha, ha, probably. So Ian messed with Mandy.
That's, uh, highly unlikely.
That's what Mandy told us.
Trust me, you got the wrong guy.
Right, the problem is that Ian's been avoiding us all day, and, uh, someone's gotta get a beatdown till we find him.
Well, maybe, uh, Mandy's confusing Ian with any one of the other 400 dudes in the 10th grade she's already blown. [Mickey jabs Lip in the gut with a pole who falls down and the other two goons join in stomping Lip]
Dad, you've been cashing her checks. That's a felony. We're living in her house. Was there even a will?
You don't need a will, if she's not technically dead.
Yes, she is technically dead, Dad. Dead is dead. Just because you haven't told anybody that she is dead, doesn't make her not dead.
