Shameless quotes

Kev

Stan, you son of a bitch, you taught me that a man isn't a man unless he's loved a woman, eaten the heart out of a live goat, or ripped a German soldier's face off. One out of three ain't bad.

Holly

[Referring to pregnancy] I better have a girl and not a stupid boy.

No, you better abort that thing.

Holly

Too late.

[Turns to her with squinting eyes] Never too late.

You and I breaking up? Oh, you're cute, but I'm your tutor.

Lip

So?

That's like me being your babysitter.

Lip

[To tutor walking away] You know, but if he doesn't, there's freshman cock right here, waiting for you.

[Looking over shoulder to him] Call me when it's grad school cock.

Carl

Hey.

How can I help you?

Carl

I need a liver.

What's wrong with yours?

Carl

It's for my father. His is rotting. It smells.

Oh, my, that ain't good. Is he on the donor list?

Carl

I don't think so. Can I sign him up?

Your father would have to be seen by a specialist, and then, referred to us, so he can be put on the list.

Carl

Then he gets a liver?

He'd have to wait for one to be available.

Carl

How long does that take?

Sweetie, more than 17,000 people in the U.S. are on the liver transplant list.

Carl

That's a lot of dead livers you're gonna need.

Six thousand people are fortunate enough to get one each year.

Carl

What about the rest?

Doesn't work out for everyone.

Carl

What's the point of being an organ donating center if you're not donating enough organs?

Someone from your family can donate a portion of their liver.

Carl

Me. I'll do it.

You need to be over 18.

Carl

My brother and my sister are.

Well, that's a start. Why don't you find out if they're a blood match with your father?

Carl

I already know they are. My father only screwed a Mexican whore while he was with my mom and they can't get pregnant.

Everyone's blood type is different. Sometimes even if they're related. Take these at-home testing kits. Prick the person's finger, put a drop of blood on the enclosed card. It'll show their blood type.

Carl

Okay, thanks.

Lip

Hey, you, you're, um-- you're that kid's older sister, right?

Oh, could you be a little more vague?

Lip

Yeah, fuck. Sorry, um He wa-- he was my year at Lincoln Grove. Sorry.

If you're talking about Gus, then yes.

Lip

Gus. Yeah, Gus. Yeah. Gus, that's right. Um, hey, hey, they let him out of Shawnee Correctional yet?

No, he got time added for being an idiot.

Who the hell are you?

Lip

Uh, Lip.

Lip-- Lip Gallagher. From Wallace Street.

Lip

Yeah, the one and only.

Lip

Hey, what are you doing here? One of these rich frat boys need a date for the night, or--

No, you asshole. I go to school here.

Lip

Oh, shit, seriously?

Seriously.Yeah, you're not the only smart fuck from the yards. There are four of us here. I guess five now, including you.

Lip

Shit, sorry. I-- you know, I didn't know.

Yeah, I will let it slide.

Lip

Okay. So how's it going? How you doing in this place?

Yeah, not bad.

Lip

That's good.

Yeah, I sucked ass my freshman year. It took me three semesters to catch up to what my classmates learned in high school. Unbelievable what a shitty education we got back home.

Lip

Yeah, hey, you want to walk over to the cafeteria with me? You know, I was gonna blaze up with one of the dishwashers.

What?

Lip

Yeah, you see, I was supposed to hook up with this other chick tonight, but then I got dissed. So, um, I was thinking maybe, you know, me and you, we could smoke a fatty, maybe bang one out?

Are you for real?

Lip

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Lip

You see, that-- that's my roommate down there with his girlfriend, hitting the bong. You know, they're not gonna be back till, like, after midnight, so we're-- we're good.

Wow, so you think that just because you were some hot shit back home that that hood rat attitude is gonna work here?

Lip

Fuck. Excuse me for living. I didn't realize this place turned you into a fucking Disney princess.

No, fuck you. You're the kind of guy I came to college to get away from. [She walks away]

Lip

[Under his breath] Fuck you.

[Repeatedly] Fuck me...!

Lip

Okay.

Fuck me!

Lip

Thought that's what I was doing.

Ah! Yes, yes. Lord, have mercy!

Carl

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Carl

My dad's O-positive.

What about your brother and sister?

Carl

Lip's AB.

Oh, that's too bad. And your sister?

Carl

She wouldn't give any blood.

Well, sometimes, people aren't willing to go through...

Carl

That's why I need you to test this. Think you can tell me her blood type from this?

No. No, no, no.

Carl

Please. No boy should be raised without his father.

Well, why didn't you touch it to the card and test it yourself?

Carl

Oh.

Fiona

Ugh, Carl, please, please stop worrying about Frank. He is a black hole of endless need that will suck the life out of you.

Carl

His liver is rotting. He smells like a monkey cage.

Veronica

Then you are definitely having an abortion, mother. There's got to be an all-night clinic.

Kev

Over my dead sperm.

Veronica

You better get a ski mask and a getaway car, 'cause that's the only way we gonna be able to afford four babies.

Fiona

That's the last time I let you choose the tunes in the morning.

Yeah, you just keep acting like you hate British boy bands. I think it's adorable.

Fiona

Everybody hates them. I'm sorry I'm not a 12-year-old girl.

Yeah, well, I usually don't go lower than 14. And, you know, next time we can listen to your gangsta rap.

Fiona

Since when is Kanye considered gangsta rap?

Since always. Where'd you learn music? Mars?

Fiona

[Walks up to Mike mimicking humping] Your mom. Last time I banged her.

Oh, yeah? That makes a lot more sense. She has awful taste.

Sheila

Oh, wow, I got poked. I got poked. I got poked by the American-Indian that I poked yesterday. What do we do? "We have a lot in common. I am full-blooded Kickapoo Indian. I love laughter, food, scenic views, and the Lord. Let's talk." [Gasps] Now what?

Debbie

Uh, ask him if he's DTF.

Sheila

DTF. What does that even mean? Okay. I got to ask him if he's DTF.

Wow, you're in bad shape.

Frank

Well, tell me something I don't know.

Could I see your card?

Frank

Yes. It's legit, too. Not like these whiners.

Are you looking for anything specific?

Frank

Yeah. Something to make me not feel like I'm being stabbed repeatedly by a small army of knife-wielding Neo-Nazis.

Well, we have Irene Kush for chronic arthritis. Sour Diesel for anxiety and panic attacks. Big Buddha Cheese for muscle spasms.

Frank

What about for fatal liver damage?

We don't recommend bud for cirrhosis. Studies show a higher rate of moderate to severe fibrosis, or tissue scarring, in regular...

Frank

Okay, fine. Let's skip the FDA warning. Give me an ounce of the Buddha. And a med-ibles menu. [Hands over cash wad] And some samples. Free samples.

I... um... this'll get you, like, an eighth of low-grade schwag and two cookies.

Frank

Sold.

Fiona

Jesus, I'm raising five kids and I didn't miss last week. What's your excuse? [Calls out] Carl!

Holly

Bam, you drop trou and expos-ay some sex-ay.

Debbie

Does this make you cray?

Uhhh...