[Ian is at Walter's place, Monica's boyfriend, who he has just met]
IanHow old is he?
...
Ian
You know, you can never see this many stars from Chicago. There's uh, too many lights from the city. It crowds all the stars out of the sky. Are you selling meth?
Ian
I found some in your bag.
You're going through my stuff?
Ian
Is that how you got that money? And what is he doing out here?
Shh. Will you keep your voice down? It's his grandma's old place, and Walter keeps an eye on it.
Ian
Is he cooking out here? I looked into that trailer over there, and I saw some stuff.
He takes care of me, and I take care of him. And I'm happy. Okay?
[Walter bursts from trailer]
WWalter
Hey. The fuck is going on out here?
WWalter
Well, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to sleep!
Ian
Jesus.!
WWalter
What the fuck you say?!
Ian
Jesus! I said fucking "Jesus!"
[Walter attempts to run up to Ian and Monica thwarts him, ushering him back to his trailer]
WWalter
[To Ian] Don't eyefuck me motherfucker!
He's just under a lot of stress now, okay? I mean, most of the time he's sweet, really sweet. Ian, I'm finally happy. People like us, we can be happy. I love him. And that's the most important thing, to find somebody you love, right? Who loves you back for who you are. I want that for you.
Ian
With my mom.
Ian
I hate the meds. You gonna make me take 'em?
You get fucking nuts when you don't.
Ian
Are you gonna want to be with me even if I don't? You used to love me. Now you don't even know who I am. Shit, I don't know who I am half the time. You don't owe me anything.
[In a tone of voice that a parent uses with a melodramatic child] I... love... you...
Ian
What the hell does that even mean?
It means we take care of each other.
Ian
I don't want you sitting around, worrying, watching me, waiting for me to do my next crazy shit. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit. You gonna marry me? Are we gonna go down to the courthouse in some tuxes like a couple of old queens?
Ian
No, thanks. I've already done that.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Ian
Too much! Too much is wrong with me. That's the problem, isn't it? Too much is wrong with me, and you can't do anything about that. You can't change it. You can't fix me, 'cause I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed, okay? I'm me!
This is it. This is you breaking up with me.
Ian
Yeah.
[Sammi is approaching in the distance with a handgun and she is calling out to him]
Ian
Is that Sammi?
{Fiona is in the kitchen with Veronica]
Do you think I'm a good person?
[Sound of gunshot]
[A ricochet flies through window whipping up drapes]
Oh, you're gonna get fucked!
You tried to fucking kill me!
Fuck you and your weird-ass kid!
Oh, you're gonna get fucked, you little bitch!
[Fiona rushes out backyard door and comes across Ian]
What the hell is going on?
Ian
Hi.
Ian
I'm not sure. Mickey tried to kill Sammi. Sammi's trying to kill Mickey, and something about her being in a box for a week.
Ian
Couple minutes ago.
[Police sirens approach]
Ian
Living with a teenage meth dealer.
Okay, so we went to the bank, and the house is being sold at auction, but there's a chance that we could buy it. So for the first time ever, it would be our house, not Aunt Ginger's, not Patrick's.
Ian
How?
Sean's got a guy at the bank who thinks I can get a bank loan of up to 100,000.
Ian
Holy shit, someone's willing to give us 100 grand?
Ian
Why didn't we do this years ago?
The bank doesn't just give you money. They actually buy the house and let you live in it till you pay back the loan with interest.
Ian
Or not.
We need a down payment of $3,500, and we need it, like, now.
Ian
I got a couple hundred.
Okay, we could pawn the TV.
3 1/2 Gs? Shit, I got you covered. What do you want? You want hundies or small bills?
You just got out of juvie and you have $3,000?
[Long awkward silence] No.
What, you don't believe me?
No, I believe you, I just don't want the state seizing our house 'cause we bought it with drug money or whatever it is that you're into lately.
You are not part of this conversation, Frank.
This was my house long before any of you had claim to it. Not legally, but every other way. The point is, we're Gallaghers. If Carl wants to step up-
Ian
Why do you get the last word?
If you want to go get a mortgage with your name on it, then take Carl's money. But otherwise, we'll find another way.
I'll just spend it on my ride. If you want us, we'll be upstairs. Come on, Nick.
Carl, a word, if you would, son?
Ian
[Scoffs] I don't know why you bother calling a family meeting if you make all the decisions anyway.
Ian
State of Illinois.
They can't just take it from us.
I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.
Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.
Ian
Yeah, and the second. Oh, and the fifth.
That table is where Liam was born.
There's nothing we can do.
Can you keep it down in there? Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.
Ian
You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?
Scorched earth. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow their conquerors the satisfaction.
Copper's two bucks a pound.
Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy. We need a place to live.
Let's see them try to get Nick and I out. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.
Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades. [To Liam who nods] Think you can pull a pin and throw it? Strap Chuckie up with some explosives and throw him off the roof.
Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult. That's big boy prison. Look, the house is gone. It's over. We need to move on.
This is all cause of the mud people. [Points to Nick]
Ian
What the fuck...
That's what my friends in juvie said. [Frank laughs] What? What did I say?
Ian
Chuckie, if you want to stay alive, shut up and go to school.
Where's Lip at? He'd back me up on this.
I told him we didn't need him. He needs to focus on school.
Ian
Uh, I need to ask you advice. I'm going on a date.
Ian
Yeah. You know, Mickey and I never went out on dates. Ned never took me out. Kash and I fucked in the back of a convenience store, and I don't think jerking off strangers in a nightclub counts, so...
Well, how hard can it be? You know, you eat, you drink, and you bang till your balls fall off, right?
Ian
What about clothes?
I'd definitely wear some.
Ian
Yeah, asshole, I mean, like, what kind? Like fancy?
Shit, I don't know, man. I've never really been on a real date, either. You know, not like an official one. [Pounding on door] One sec. [Opens door] Yo.
MSMale student
Holy shit, dude. Been online yet?
MSMale student
That picture of your lady professor showed up on Gawker this morning.
MSMale student
[Turns laptop around to show him] It's labeled "not safe for work." [A picture of Helene sleeping in Lip's bed with exposed breasts is displayed]
I've got 106 new emails. The provost wrote me?
Ian
What's a provost?
Being asked to appear before a Faculty Disciplinary Committee. Damn.
Tribe! Breakfast! [Gallagher kids come filing in] Good morning. Morning.
We eat in the dining room like civilized people.
Ian
Since when?
Since Queenie. Have a seat. Let's get you your flaxseed oil pills. [To Ian] Good for the heart. [To Liam] Mmm. Good for the hair, [TO Chuckie] your colon, [To Frank's place] Daddy, [To Carl] prostate, yeah, [To Debbie] and your baby.
[Sets down pans] Quinoa pancakes and yucca fries.
Ian
What the hell is a quinoa?
[Gets up] Yeah, I'm just gonna go to Mickey D's.
Ian
[Gets up] I'm gonna study at my boyfriend's.
[Gets up] Carl, can you give me a ride to the baby store?
[Pounds table] Come back now. Look, your father went to great lengths to prepare this breakfast for you with love. So you're gonna sit your little asses down and enjoy it. [Tussling Frank's hair] Need to have a little more respect for this man right here.
[Sings] Help me, I think I'm falling [Frank joins in] In love again [To Debbie and Carl] Join us.
QFQueenie and Frank
When I get that crazy feeling, I know I'm in trouble again
I don't want to know the words.
Fake it. [Sings] I'm in trouble, 'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler, and a sweet-talking ladies' man...
[Frank answers door to Lamar still singing]
LLamar
Lamar. Is Carl here?
He's enjoying breakfast with his family. Come back some other time?
[Sings] I've seen some hard, hard cases come down to smoke and ash...
LLamar
Haven't checked in lately, white boy. Where the fuck you been at?
Been here and there. G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow. Need you to run it. I think Imma sit this one out.
LLamar
Sit this one out? [Scoffs] You a comedian?
No. [Lamar pistol whips Carl on the forehead who falls down]
LLamar
[To Carl with a bleeding forehead] You think you can just tag in and out like a little girl playing Chinese jump rope? You in this game for life, fuck, so get your ass to the spot tomorrow morning.
Ian
Slept here last night?
Ian
What are you writing?
A letter to Sean's ex-wife.
Ian
Oof. How come?
Ian
Carl, why is Fiona writing a letter to Sean's ex-wife?
I don't want to talk about it.
Ian
Okay, great. I'll just stand here and drink my coffee in silence.
To the commune with Queenie.
Except you're not, 'cause you have school, remember?
I need a supportive environment. Not gonna get it here.
So that's it for high school, huh? Pregnant dropout at 15. Well played.
Ian
You got to graduate, Debs.
Have you heard of "unschooling"? It's a widely recognized form of education.
Ian
By who?
Queenie says it's when you get knowledge from life instead of books. Like making spaghetti, when you measure water, pasta, salt. That's math.
If I'm desperate, I can just get my GED. You know, like you did.
Queenie, are you going to support Debbie as she "unschools" her way through life?
Well, I have so many friends in the commune who have never had a day of conventional education, and they have so much worldly wisdom.
Ian
Like boiling pasta.
You want to quit school, Debs, I can't stop you. Enjoy yourself at... what is it?
Soaring Consciousness Ecovillage. A hundred acres, very peaceful. Oh, and if you see Lip, tell him never to stifle his passion. Ta-ta.
Hey, Frankie, baby. We're off to the commune.
Chuckie's probation papers came yesterday. Grandma is a rolling stone.
That's a great idea. Lying under the stars in a rural paradise. Fresh air, crackling fire. Jeez, that sounds nice. Are we taking the van? [Gets in]
Ian
Uh... stuff at home.
Ian
I wanted to catch a movie tomorrow, and he's having dinner with a friend.
Ian
A woman.
Oh, well... nothing to be worried about there.
Ian
Yeah. I don't know. He was acting kind of weird.
Ian
I don't know, it's just a feeling, like maybe he wasn't telling the truth. You gotta trust those instincts.
Met this guy online, started dating him for months. Turns out he was married and he had kids. I mean, can you believe that shit?
Ian
How'd you find out?
I stalked him on Valentine's Day when he bailed on me, gave me some sh*t about his mother having a stroke.
Ian
Uh-huh.
Turns out he was living this whole other life.
Ian
What'd you do?
Kicked his ass. I got him into bed, I tied him up, and I super glued his dick to his leg and I wrote "lying slut" on his chest with a Sharpie. [Ian laughs] And let me tell you something. That shit doesn't come off.
Ian
He must have been pretty pissed.
Oh, he called me a couple months later, told me he'd gotten a divorce.
Ian
Yeah? You ever see him again?
Ian
That was Joe?
That was Joe. I guess he really liked my spirit.
Ian
Huh.
[Kicks Frank lying on kitchen floor] Hey. Why aren't I circumcised?
Now I have to get it done.
[Groans] Why the hell would you want to do that?
It's better not to be circumcised. More feeling in the old puppy when you don't get its tail bobbed. Self-lubricating too. Hey. Be a champ. Go get my wheelchair in the yard.
I am. I didn't have much say in the matter. I was only hours old when they cut into my manhood.
I cried like a baby. Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
We were kind of hoping you were dead.
Ian
Yeah, Domino's guy said it was already paid for, so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Right place. I put it on my credit card.
Ian
You have a credit card?
It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit. Frank's alive?
[Grunts] Will somebody... anybody... please get my fucking wheelchair?!
Ian
No.
Ian
No.
Six new onesies, three new pairs of shoes, and a Diaper Genie. Got a little something special for Mommy too.
Hey, anybody know who she belongs to? I found her outside.
Jolayemi? Hi, I'm Debbie.
Who the hell is Jolayemi?
Jolayemi stays up with Franny so I can have a good night's sleep and be refreshed in the morning.
Mm, where'd you get the money for a night nurse?
I started an online business.
[Fiona hears thumping upstairs]
Frank's back? Since when?
Ian
Couple a hours ago.
Uh, yes. Franny. Francis. She's a joy, but not a great sleeper.
JJolayemi
Does she sleep in your bed?
Sometimes, you know? I'm really careful.
[Fiona starts dragging Frank down stairs] Stop... stop it! I did you a fucking favor getting rid of that junkie!
I keep a pillow between us so that I don't smother her or anything.
It's much easier when I'm really tired to have Franny in bed with me so that I just can just roll over and feed her.
At the hands of that lying junkie! Stop it! No! [Fiona drag Frank to front door and he grabs onto wall corner and then loses grip] Stop! Fuck! I am a truth-teller! But you're too weak to... [Fiona sends Frank rolling down steps] ...aah!
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Ian
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
Ian
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Ian
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
Ian
Girl trouble.
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ian
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Ian
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
CCaleb
Yo. How come you didn't come home last night or answer my texts?
Ian
Busy.
CCaleb
Care to elaborate?
Ian
I don't know, ask Denise.
CCaleb
Is that what this is about?! My high school girlfriend?!
Ian
Your high school girlfriend who you fuck!
CCaleb
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?!
Ian
I saw you with her last night!
CCaleb
You're spying on me?!
Ian
Yeah, 'cause I knew you'd been cheating on me!
CCaleb
I wasn't cheating!
Ian
So you didn't fuck Denise, then?!
CCaleb
Cheating would be if I sucked some guy's cock, all right?!
Ian
So you didn't sleep with her?!
CCaleb
I didn't say that!
Ian
Well, I'm confused!
CCaleb
How do you think I feel?! You're the one calling me a cheater!
Ian
You still haven't answered the question! Did you or did you not fuck Denise?!
CCaleb
What's the big deal?! What's the big deal?! She's an old friend!
Ian
Who you fuck!
CCaleb
We've been sleeping together since we were kids! Don't make this into something more than it is!
Ian
You're taking your dick, you're putting it into a vagina! And you're telling me you've never done that before?!
CCaleb
No, I haven't! I'm gay!
Ian
So am I! Sticking my dick in a friend's vagina doesn't make me not gay! Are you hearing this, Raul?!
CCaleb
This is why I didn't want to tell you... Because I didn't want you freaking out the way you are right now!
Ian
Oh, gee, sorry! Hey, how should I react when you say you've been screwing a woman?!
CCaleb
I don't know! Maybe by being more accepting of your partner's normal, sexually fluid experiences, maybe by sharing some of your own!
Ian
I don't have anything to share! I'm gay, all right?! 100% gay!
CCaleb
No one's 100% anything!
Ian
Yeah, well, I am, all right?! So now this inexperienced vagina-fuck has got to get to work!
[Lip and Fiona are walking to house from opposite directions]
I know you are, but what am I?
...
JJolayemi
Come on, Harriet. Sleeping time.
Pfft. Is she still scared of me?
Ian
Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
How do you say "he had it coming" in Nigerian? What are you doing up?
Ian
Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me. Begging forgiveness? Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more. Nice sex-hair.
Ah, Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it. No strings attached.
Yeah, but you're female. Isn't that always available to you?
Maybe. But Tinder makes it simple. No confusion. No misguided weddings. Now I just bone and go so I can save my energy for more important things.
Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be directing all your freed up energy there?
You're one to talk. You spend all day working for free.
Has a point. But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career. What? It was no offense.
Ian
Hey. Kind of harsh.
Ian
Are you sure about that? Working for free is called slave labor last time I checked.
Shameless · 903 quotes
