Sammi quotes from Shameless

Sammi

You fuck with the bull, you get an ass full of horns!

Sammi

This is America, and in this country, people have a right to see their families.

Sammi

Listen, listen, Ian, I want you to know you are a really good kid with a big heart. You have some hard times ahead of you, but you're gonna do great. [Two burly Army MPs appear from both sides of the house] Okay. Gentlemen, this is Ian Gallagher. I think they're ready to take him to jail now.

Sammi

Um... good news and bad news.

Frank

Okay, good?

Sammi

I sent Chuckie to the neighbor's so we can be alone tonight.

Frank

Great. Uh, what's the bad?

Sammi

We're not a match.

Frank

What?

Sammi

The transplant lady said my white blood cells attacked yours.

Frank

Why the fuck did they do that?

Sammi

Oh, I don't know. I'm so sorry.

Frank

Sorry? What the hell does...? Good does that do me? I need a liver, not a goddamn apology.

Sammi

Frank.

Frank

Do you know what I've been through? I shattered my leg in six places. I stopped drinking.

Sammi

I know you're disappointed...

Frank

Just one small piece of liver, that's all I need. But no. Thank you, God. Thank you for the cosmic fuck you. Even my own daughter isn't a match.

Sammi

What?

Frank

Anything else you wanna throw at me? How about a flesh-eating virus, huh? Wanna toss that in?

Sammi

What did you say?

Frank

What?

Sammi

Your... daughter?

Frank

I didn't say that.

Sammi

Yes, you did.

Frank

No. Oh, fuck it. What's the use? Hate me now, hate me later, you all hate me eventually. And for what? What did I ever do to you?

Sammi

You're my dad? I almost put you in my mouth.

Frank

I didn't ask you to do that.

Sammi

You dry-humped my thigh for half an hour yesterday.

Frank

Dry-humping is not incest! [realizes mistake] Shit.

Sammi

Get out!

Frank

What are you yelling about?! I'm the one not getting a liver!

Sammi

[Ferociously screams] GET... OUT! [She throws him out of her trailer]

Fiona

Smells good.

Lip

Yeah.

Fiona

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Lip

School.

Fiona

Thanks. [Clears throat] So, I had my prelim hearing.

Lip

Oh, yeah?

Fiona

Yeah. My lawyer's gonna try to get me probation if I plead guilty.

Lip

Okay.

Fiona

Might have to serve a little time though.

Lip

Yeah? How long?

Fiona

90 days or less.

Lip

All right. I suppose we'll manage.

Fiona

Or I could go to trial.

Lip

Why would you want to do that?

Fiona

Why wouldn't I do that?

Lip

Because you'll get convicted.

Fiona

You don't know that.

Lip

Yes, I do.

Fiona

I made a mistake.

Lip

You're guilty.

Fiona

It was an accident.

Lip

You almost killed Liam!

Fiona

You don't think I know that? You don't think I'm blaming myself enough already so I need you to do it too? [Sighs]

Lip

So how long are you in prison if, ah, if you lose?

Fiona

Five years.

Lip

So that makes me almost 25, still at home, taking care of the kids.

Fiona

I know I can win.

Lip

Ghetto chick leaves her drսg addict boyfriend's coke out for her three-year-old brother to eat. Half a gram in the system. Yeah, you're right. You can totally win.

Fiona

I didn't do it on purpose.

Lip

Yeah, but you did it!

Fiona

[Sighs] (again) I turned my back, for, like, two seconds, and now my life is ruined? How is that fair?

Lip

You're his guardian. You signed up for this.

Fiona

I can't go back to jail.

Lip

Of course, this is all about you.

Fiona

Yes, it's about me. Okay, 'cause it's never about me and I'm finally making it about me.

Lip

So what, I'm supposed to drop out of school you do five years?

Fiona

I'M NOT GUILTY!

Lip

LIAM NOT DIED! And that was you! All f****** you! Your coke, your boyfriend, your f***** up life! It's not mine. All right.

Carl

Frank's passed out up in the bathroom.

Lip

Oh, f*ck. S***. He's shooting heroin now.

Carl

Is he dead?

Lip

No, unfortunately not.

Fiona

Oh, my God.

Lip

Carl, grab his legs.

Carl

He s*** himself.

Lip

All right, use a f****** towel. I got him. You got him?

Carl

Where we taking him?

Lip

Where we always do-- street.

Sammi

What's going on?

Chuckie

It smells up here.

Lip

Good. You're home. You deal with him.

Sammi

Daddy? What happened?

Fiona

He's unconscious.

Sammi

Must have had too many oxys.

Lip

Save it. All right? Just get him the f*ck out of the house.

Sammi

What?

Lip

I warned you. Now go! Carl, come here. Get rid of any evidence in Frank's room, all right?

Sammi

He is too sick to leave the house.

Lip

Yeah, no s***! You just let him s**** a bunch of f****** H!

Sammi

He was in pain.

Lip

What if the social worker had showed up right now?

Sammi

But she didn't.

Lip

These kids would've been taken away. And what do you care, huh? You just want to make nicey-nicey with daddy. You get the **** out of my house!

Sammi

Fiona.

Fiona

You have to go, Sammi.

Sammi

Pops? Oh, God.

Frank

Hey, Sammi!

Sheila

No, Frank, no. Come on. Don't get her involved in this.

Frank

Oh, calm down. She's got a good head for cons.

Sheila

Oh, God!

Sammi

Yeah, pop?

Frank

Why would two dykes offer double market value for this dump?

Sammi

What's the scam?

Frank

Not a scam. An investment.

Sammi

Tribune named this neighborhood an up and comer. Alls anybody's talking about down at the Alibi.

Frank

Oh, mother of God.

Sheila

What?

Frank

You are not selling!

Sheila

Hey, who was talking about sell... Are you going to sell this... Frank.

Frank

They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are the man moving in on our territory. Oh, great. It used to be that a... that poor folks could get a-a decent apartment right near downtown. And then suddenly, it's moved 40 blocks south. And then 80 blocks. Where does it end?

Sheila

Well, maybe it ends with you and me in an RV seeing the country.

Frank

This is just like with the Jews. Ten years from now, they'll claim it "never happened," but it is happening. They want to move people in who can pay taxes. So they push us out. And eventually, we end up in a camp somewhere at the edge of civilization. Oh. A tent city built on old landfills and toxic waste sites. And then they start passing out the smallpox blankets.

Sammi

I hope you're here to apologize.

Sheila

I tried, Sammi. I've tried to be your friend. Because you're Frank's daughter, and Frank's my husband. But I realized today, I'm your step-mother. And so to be a good step-mother to you is to be a parent to you rather than a friend. So, as a parent, it's my responsibility to tell you that the reason people don't like you, and that your father doesn't want to be around you, is because you're very, very needy. I just think you should know that, and then you can work on it. You're needy and annoying. And slutty, and a bad mother. I think this belongs to Chuckie. :[Hands her a ziploc bag of feces]

Frank

How was work?

Sammi

A goddamn nightmare. Why does everybody wait till the last minute to buy their damn sparklers? Like they don't know the holiday's coming. Seasonal retail is the pits.

Frank

You look exhausted.

Sammi

I'm not used to having people yell at me all day long. [Shouts] Chuckie! Go to bed!

Frank

Come on.

Sammi

[Sighs] I don't have anyone to talk to. Sheila hates me. Fiona ignores me. All those jerks at the Alibi just want to bang and bolt. Oh, they're... they're awful. [Cries]

Frank

You need a good man.

Sammi

I do. But there's none left.

Frank

Hey.

Frank

You know what? I have this friend. I think you two might really hit it off.

Sammi

N- no. No more.

Frank

I'm telling you, this guy is different.

Sammi

I need a penis break. I'm this revolving door for chumps. It's not good for me, and it's not good for Chuckie.

Frank

I'm telling you, this fella could be the one. He really knows how to treat a lady.

Sammi

Then why is he single?

Frank

His wife croaked. Poor thing. He has his own business, a late-model Sedan, widescreen TV. He showers regularly. [Laughs] Come on. Why not? Okay. There you go.

Sammi

If you say so.

Frank

That's my girl.

Sammi

Hey, thanks, daddy.

Frank

You bet.

Sammi

You're the best.

Frank

I am.

Sammi

You're a businessman?

More of a tradesman, actually.

Sammi

Wow. Looks and smarts? Did I get lucky tonight or what? And I like your jacket. It's very classy.

Tommy

Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!

Lip

Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday? What? You know, it's the fourth? Of July? It's, you know, America's birthday. It's the birth of democracy. Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass. No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks. This ain't the post office.

Lip

Yeah.

Tommy

No.

Lip

I-I think I tweaked my back.

Tommy

You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?

Lip

No, I just...

Tommy

Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job. So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.

Debbie

Um, What's wrong?

Last night, did we, um.

Debbie

I know. It was wonderful.

So that did happen?

Debbie

Yeah You don't remember?

I was, I was plastered.

Debbie

But you had a... Your thing...

No, Debbie, that's biology. That's not consent. [Sighs]

Debbie

I thought it meant you wanted to.

Did I say I wanted to? Not exactly. Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay? You date-raped me.

Debbie

We were on a date?

No, Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself. I could go to jail.

Debbie

I don't understand.

Friends don't rape friends.

Debbie

I-I didn't mean to rape you. I'm sorry.

Sammi

Look at those socks

Oh.

Sammi

Man with taste. [Chuckles, then clears throat] Oh, oh, um, listen, look, I-I really like you. You're a true gentleman, and I don't meet many of those, which is... why I want to take things slow.

Huh?

Sammi

I don't want to make the same mistakes that I have with the last 30 or 40 guys I've been with.

By "Take it slow," you mean we can get at it after I finish my water?

Sammi

[Chuckles] Oh. No, no, I mean, you know go out on a few dates, get to know each other better.

But Frank promised you would bone me as soon as we got back to your trailer.

Sammi

What?

Sheila

[To Frank in the basement when he's engrossed in his beer still] Frank, I've decided when Ernie comes with the RV to tell him to turn it around and take it back home.

Frank

You're keeping the house?

Sheila

I want to be with you and reaffirm our commitment to our partnership

Frank

Oh, you... Oh, no, no, no, no. Maybe later.

Sammi

Hey! You dangled me like a sex carrot to get brewery equipment?

Frank

You were lonely. I was killing two birds with one stone.

Sammi

Well, I--

Sheila

You know, I don't like your tone.

Sammi

He promised that man that I would put out on the first date!

Frank

I've seen you put out after the first drink.

Sammi

I hope you die...

Sheila

Seriously, Frank...

Sammi

...in a bottle of diarrhea!

Sheila

That is an unacceptable...

Sammi

I am your flesh and blood!

Sheila

Do something, Frank!

Frank

She is nobody! All right, can the both of you...

Sammi

I am your flesh and blood!

Frank

Both of you, just shut the fuck up?! Can't a man have one moment of peace?! Christ! I've got a raging lunatic succubus of a daughter, on one hand, and a lumpy, smothering pervert of a wife, on the other! And you are both driving me fucking insane!

Sammi

Daddy!

Frank

Don't you "Daddy" me! You are needy! You are slutty! Your son is a lump of pure misery! And you have disgusting personal hygiene! And you!

Sheila

What?!

Frank

You are a certified whack job!

Sheila

What?!

Frank

You couldn't go out of your house for two years. You take great pleasure in shoving fake penises up the butts of the men you love! You banged the husband of your only daughter! You adopted a bunch of Indian kids, and who the fuck knows why?! And I cannot stand your unreasonably complicated cooking!

Frank

Oh, Jesus Christ! Can't a man get one fucking minute of peace?! Just one minute?! [Sheila's house goes up in a total fireball explosion] Holy shit! Must've been the extra propane.

Sammi

Where's Hanzi? [Hanzi's right leg comes down near Frank]

Frank

That's a nice sock.

At least we won't have to pay for the demo.

Score. [They do high five]

Sammi

Dad never came home with my trailer.

Debbie

[Scoffs] He's not coming home with your trailer.

Sammi

What?

Debbie

There's no money. Never will be.

Sammi

But Dad said...

Debbie

He lied. It's a Gallagher rite of passage, realizing he let you down. He always will. First time's the hardest, but, hey, it means you really are a Gallagher now.

Mickey

Whiskey. The fucking bottle.

Sammi

What's got you so riled up?

Mickey

Leave me the fuck alone.

Sammi

Hey, maybe I can help. I'd consider bringing you home, but I don't have one at the moment. Wouldn't stop us from paying a visit to the alley. I don't mind being bent over for the right guy.

Mickey

Guess that makes every other guy in her the right fucking guy.

Sammi

Oh, excuse me for having a shitty day and wanting to let off some steam.

Mickey

Not my type.

Sammi

Bet I could be.

Mickey

Bet you couldn't.

Sammi

What's your type?

Mickey

Redhead.

Sammi

I am downstairs.

Mickey

Batshit crazy.

Sammi

Check.

Mickey

Packing nine inches. [Holds up both hands to indicate measurement]

Chuckie

I still don't understand why you shot him, mama.

Sammi

Because, Chuckie, fatherhood comes with responsibilities that go far beyond shooting sperm into a V hole. And I have decided it's time to teach your grandfather those responsibilities, because, clearly, he never learned them. He's like an untrained dog who keeps shitting all over the house, so we have three options-- run the dog over, send the dog back to the pound to be gassed, or train the dog. And I am choosing to train this dog. Isn't that the option you prefer, daddy?

Frank

Yes, it is, dear, and I really appreciate you taking such good care of me.

Sammi

Fiona, in my younger days, I slept with every member of the Guns 'N' Roses cover band Buns 'N' Hoses.

Fiona

And that would matter to me why?

Sammi

Because they all had wives they left back at home. I am telling you, the 1,000-mile rule-- that's real.

Sammi

Know how groupies make sure their rock stars don't get lonely? All holes, Fiona. All holes.

Fiona

Spare me, Sammi.Your kid did not get arrested because of me.

Sammi

'Cause of your thug brother. In one fell swoop, you Gallaghers managed to ruin his whole future.

Fiona

Let's be honest. Chuckie was not exactly destined for great things. Pack your shit and get out.

Sammi

I hope they throw the book at Carl. I hope the other kids in juvie toss his salad. Or make him toss theirs, whichever's worse.

Happy to report Chuckie's IQ test came back. 71.

Sammi

Is that good?

It's good for us. The judge might take pity on him, go easy on his sentence.

Sammi

Did you hear that, Chuckie? You scored a 71. Better than you ever did in school. So he'll get off with probation?

I didn't say that.

Sammi

My boy can't go to juvie.

I'm doing everything I can.

Sammi

You better be. What the hell are we paying you for?

The state pays me.

Sammi

Yeah, and who do you think's part of the state? Me.

Ms. Slott, your son was caught with 10 pounds of heroin on him. Literally, the evidence was strapped to his body. Even if he is functionally retarded, he's getting time. I'm sorry.

Sammi

Chuckie. [He's too engrossed in his handheld game to heed her] Mommy needs to talk to you. Chuckie. Chuckie! Put down the fucking game. Chuckie, you've always been my little bunny. Cute, round, and so innocent. But in prison, little bunnies get raped. Do you know what that means? It's when big, scary men pretend you're a woman. I'm not gonna be there in juvie to protect you, so you need to listen very carefully. Make friends in there. Do things for them, so they'll protect you. Anything it takes. Like making them feel good. Do you understand? Like touching them. [The lawyer gasps] Jerk the guards off, Chuckie, in exchange for protection. Do you know how to jerk a guard off? I'll teach you.