Ian Gallagher quotes from Shameless

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Ian

I mean, there is just no privacy. If I want to jack off I've got to do it in the bathroom.

I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pussy you'd be in juvie.

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Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.

Ian

Why is Frank here again?

There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

Patrick wants to steal our house?

He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.

Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.

I'll write them down.

Ian

[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?

More like 15.

[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.

Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.

Jimmy

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

Yeah, that's three.

Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.

Option four. Kill Patrick.

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.

Ian

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.

You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.

Well, like hell it is.

Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.

Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

This is why democracy does not work.

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I don't understand.

You really don't get why I have a problem with this?

No.

Really?

No!

Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?

Ian

Not getting in the middle.

Why are you being such a dick about this? Those applications are 90 pages long. It took me forever to fill them out.

[Karen walks by them in the opposite direction]

Walk. The fuck. Away.

Wow. You're--

What? I'm what?

You're not my mother. You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on facebook. And you're sure as shit not in charge of if I go to college!

You think he's right? Men are never right. That's why women were invented, To think for you assholes.

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[Ian finds Mickey sitting in an abandoned building who throws a chunk near Ian]

Ian

So is it true? You're getting married? So who is it? Is it Angie Zahgo Or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?

[Ian breaks off a chunk and throws it near chunk Mickey] Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?!

Ian

Oh, he speaks! [Mickey walks out of building ignoring him] So that's it! We're over?! Your dad beats the shit out of us, and you're just gonna get married, no conversation?! Nothing?! [Ian grabs Mickey who turns to him]

Get the fuck off me!

Ian

Oh, you want to fag bash? That make you feel like a man? Come on. Go ahead! Do it! [Mickey punches Ian in the gut slumping down] You love me... And you're gay. Just admit it, just this once. Just fucking admit it. [Mickey punches Ian in the face falling down flat] You feel better now? You feel like a man?

I feel better now.

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[Lip is smoking at his bedroom window reminiscing over pics with Karen on his phone and Ian comes in throwing his backpack at a window near Lip]

Ian

That whore that Mickey's marrying is an actual whore that works at Garden Springs Spa.

Friends and family discounts on handy-Js.

Ian

Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him.

When?

Ian

After he caught us together.

What? When? Dude, how did I not know this shit?

Ian

I didn't tell you.

Well, did it work?

Ian

I mean, he might've faked it once or twice, but he wants to be with me. I know what he felt with me. You can't fake that. And now, this chick is pregnant.

[Puts hand on Ian's head] Ian, my brother, you need to get out there and fuck someone new, okay? And someone in his early 20s, not some old dude like Kash or Ned.

Ian

Fuck you.

All right, seriously, go into a gay bar, make your need known, and have at it.

Ian

Mandy's upset you're upset about Karen.

Jesus. How many people is Mandy talking to?

Ian

She cares about you.

Why... I don't know.

Ian

You can be a real shithead.

How did we get this mixed up with two people from the Milkovich family?

Ian

Um... Bad parenting.

Yeah.

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[Two officers are arresting Carl outside house]

1Officer 1

We know you've been stealing.

What the fuck?

1Officer 1

Kid, settle down. Can I help you? Who are you?

His brother. What's going on?!

1Officer 1

We have reason to believe this child may have robbed his former foster parents.

What proof you got?

1Officer 1

He had a code assigned to him. He's the only one that knows it.

That's not evidence. Get your hands off him.

1Officer 1

His code was a series of four letters. C-A-R-L.

Take your fucking hands off him, man. He's just a fucking kid.

1Officer 1

That's enough of that. Step back.

2Officer 2

Take your hands off the officer right now. [Frank wakes up in the van overhearing] It's gonna be okay. He stole from people. We're taking him in.

What are you taking him in for? He's a fucking kid.

1Officer 1

Get back.

Carl, come here. Get your fucking hands off me.

1Officer 1

I will arrest you. Do not touch him.

Why you being so rough with him?

OOfficer

Why is he being so rough with him?

You touch him again, I will arrest you.

Good evening, gentlemen.

OOfficer

Are you the parent?

Why, yes I am.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm coming home.

OOfficer

We're taking your son in for questioning.

He didn't do the heist. I did. You see? Shiny, but a little bit big. I also got a boatload of electronics. Those sold fast. Did you know Chicago has several 24-hour pawn shops? He didn't-- He's innocent. I forced him to give me the code. Didn't I, son? Tell him. Oh, my God. He's dumber than a bag of hair. He couldn't pull off a Band-Aid, much less a robbery. [Turns back to officers and prepares hands for cuffs] Okay, here, cuff me before I get disorderly. [Gets put in cruiser] Be brave, son. Order room service.

Ian

[Shows up] What happened?

Hell froze over.

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What are you doing?

Ian

ROTC retreat.

Since when?

Ian

Last-minute. Hey, where's my knife?

I don't know.

Ian

Carl, my SOG SEAL Team. It's the best fixed blade I got.

My samurai sword broke. Need a backup till it's fixed.

Ian

Yeah.

What if the zombie apocalypse goes down? Who's gonna protect Debbie and Liam?

Ian

Fine, keep it.

Really?

Ian

Promise you're not gonna use it on anything human.

Cats aren't human.

Ian

Anything living. Promise.

Promise. Can you teach me the different handgrips?

Ian

Sure.

Thanks.

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[Ian has brought to Mickey to an upscale single-men-meeting-single-men party in downtown Chicago]

Ian

Hey, this is Mickey.

HHost

Delighted to meet you. Uh, could I get either of you a cocktail?

Yeah, you got beer?

HHost

I've got some Craft Brews, a Stout, IPA, Winter Wheat.

How about beer?

HHost

Right. Could I be any more of a fag? One beer coming up. Ian?

Ian

Let's see what you got.

GGuest

[Approaches] You're new. Hi.

Hey.

GGuest

You here with Ian?

Yeah.

GGuest

He's great. So what do you do for living?

I run a business.

GGuest

What kind of business?

Hospitality.

GGuest

Oh, nice. What realm?

I'm a pimp.

GGuest

Wait, you're serious? That's incredible. My dissertation is on transgender sex work and symbolic interactionism within the framework of hustler-client relations. You got a card?

[Mickey just stares at the guest as if the guest is mentally disabled]

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My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something. Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fucking load in her.

MIMan in car

Boys. Ride around the block?

We look like a couple fags for sale to you?

MIMan in car

Yes.

Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shopping.

MIMan in car

You're in Boystown, outside a bar called The Fairy Tail.

Why don't you fuck off before I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist? [Mickey picks up a bottle, man drives off and Mickey throws it at the driver] Yeah, get going, you fucking fruit! Thinks he can buy whatever he wants 'cause he's got a fucking Rolex and an S-class. That shit happen to you a lot?

Ian

Every night.

From rich dudes?

Ian

Gotta get to work.

...

You have an econ quiz in two hours.

Uh, right, you know, about that, I-I couldn't help but notice the schedule.

I made it for you.

Yeah, no, I thought it might have been you, and you broke it down into five-minute segments. I mean, who schedules something for 12:55?

So you can better manage your time.

Right, but you even put in preset bathroom breaks.

I synced it to your new phone.

You got me a new phone?

You're welcome.

Thank you. But seriously, this-- this schedule, it's just-- it's-- it's not me, okay? I'm not used to having my dumps planned out in advance. You know, it's-- I can't-- I can't regiment my life like that, all right?

That's why I'm doing it for you.

Okay, I guess I'm just more of a, uh, fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.

How's that working out for you?

How 'bout a quick BJ then?

BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes.

...

[Kenyatta walks up to Mickey walking down the street from Mickey's house]

Hey!

What do you want?

Mandy, she here last night?

She wasn't with you?

No, I was at work. I kept calling the house, no answer. Then I call her cell, she say she's at home. She with Lip?

You just keep putting two and two together, huh? Hey, good for you, Einstein.

[referring to Mickey's house] He in this motherfucker?

Nah, asshole's at college. It's a big place, lots of buildings. People go there to learn. Don't worry about it.

Man, where at?

West Maxwell. [to Kenyatta while walking away] Hey, you planning on giving a beat down to every guy Mandy's been with? Your arms are gonna get fucking tired!

...

[Carl has just spraypainted "PRINCIPAL RAMIREZ IS CARL GALLAGERS (sic) BITCH" on the school lockers]

PRPrincipal Ramirez

What are you doing?

Stating the obvious.

PRPrincipal Ramirez

You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.

Cool.

PRPrincipal Ramirez

You know, you misspelled your last name.

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[Fundamentalists church congregationalists are demonstrating at a soldier's funeral chanting homophobic slurs and the reverend is provoking Ian's comrades]

Ian

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people? [Ian grabs a wooden cross and charges at them]

Ian, you are in uniform and you're wanted by MPs. Can you not make a fucking... Hey, hey! [Mickey grabs Ian, trying to hold him back] That's making a scene.

Ian

Hey, shut the fuck up!

What are you doing? Oh, you... What are you doing? What are you doing?

Ian

They call themselves a church. I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in with Jesus.

That's a terrible fucking idea... Shut up, motherfuckers!

AMArmy MP

Are you okay, son?

Ian

Fuck you!

AMArmy MP

You can't wear the uniform and wield a cross as a weapon, soldier.

Ian

Oh, I'm the problem, huh?! I'm the fucking problem?! You're protecting these assholes!

AMArmy MP

Listen to me. I hate these pricks too, but you need to settle down or I'll have to call your commanding officer. It's Gallagher, is it?

No, we, we're good. We're good. Thank you. I got him. I got him. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one. Let's go. Go. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one.

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What's up, babe?

What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?

You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.

Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?

All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.

You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.

God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.

Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.

Hey, Fiona. Hey, V.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?

Svetlana

Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.

What happened to your hair?

If it was lice again, I could have washed it.

No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.

I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?

V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.

You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.

Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.

Who the fuck are you?

It's just a fucking haircut.

Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.

...

[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]

PPastor

Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.

But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.

PPastor

But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.

But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.

[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]

PPastor

[Moans in pleasure] Yes.

[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]

Really fast!

PPastor

What-- what is this?

Ian

That's a good one.

PPastor

Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?

Ian

Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?

PPastor

Oh, my God.

...

It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?

It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...

What? I look like a what?

Whoa, you look like a hooker.

You think?

That is not a compliment, Debbie.

From Carl?

Totally is. Hookers are hot.

See?

Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?

I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?

Your friends still aren't talking to you?

What friends?

You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.

Fine.

What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?

Yeah.

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What's it feel like to be crazy?

Ian

Um, like I'm under a wet blanket and cotton mouth.

They give you shock therapy?

Ian

No.

Could be me next, you know. You ever think about painting yourself and running around naked? I think about that. Or flying? I dream about that. That doesn't make you crazy, you know. What about pushing someone on the tracks when the train's coming? - You ever thought about that?

Ian

No.

I heard about some guy that thought he had x-ray vision and could see girls' titties through their clothes. Maybe it's not that bad. You ever been to Michigan?