[To Ian and Carl] Dinner. [Debbie, Ian, Carl, Lip, Liam, Sierra and Neil all take their seats at the dining table] Eh... Sit next to me.
IanYeah. Looks great, Debs.
I'll get your soda, Lucas. Can you cut his potatoes?
Uh... yeah. [Takes cutlery to Lucas plate] Let me help you with that.
[To Debbie] Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.
You don't think it's a good idea either!
Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back...
Shut up, Lip. What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie. Like all the other guys I've ever been with. He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me. What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will. I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate. You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged. That's why I wanted all of you here.
[Lip and Ian arrive at Fiona's bedroom door with her on bed]
Jesus, just come on in. Close the door. Don't let the AC out. [Lip and Ian sit on Fiona's bed]
All right. Pop quiz. What's the most Debbie thing Debbie could possibly do?
Uh, joined the Army using Lip's name?
Ian
Very funny. [Fiona laughs] Try again.
Ian
[Points at Fiona] Ding ding ding.
[Sighs] Well, I may have been stupid, but at least I was in love.
Too bad I missed the shit show.
Ian
No, I got work in the morning.
Well, I need it... after Sierra ripped me a new one.
Ian
I do. Why was she so pissed at you?
I freaked out after she ejaculated on me. No, she's really cool. I might've blown it.
Ian
Hold on. She ejaculated on you?
You mean she pissed on you.
No. I checked the sheets. They weren't yellow.
How the fuck would I know what piss tastes like? Oh, shit. You've tasted piss, haven't you?
It was like... getting waterboarded. But in a fantastic way.
Ian
So a chick is blowing her load on you like she's a dude. Meanwhile, I'm making out with a guy with a vagina. Yeah, he's trans.
Ian
Taking testosterone apparently gives you a giant clit.
I'm confused. So, does he have a vagina or no?
Ian
No, he does. He doesn't call it that, though. He calls the whole situation his junk.
How do you have sex with the junk?
Ian
I don't know. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. No, I'm really into him.
Ian
He's a fucking him, all right? Not a her.
Ian
Love what?
Playing house. You told me about your big, chaotic family, but this is more like a romantic breakfast for two.
Ian
I know, it's kind of weird around here lately, especially with Carl being gone. Kind of miss the chaos. And the weaponry.
Ian
Lookin' sharp, man. Look at that. Yeah? [Knocking on side door with Ian opening to let in Frank]
Hey, hey, smells good in here. Aw, come on. Jesus, come on!
Ian
No!
Ian
Get out.
I got Liam into private school. That doesn't buy me breakfast?
Do you mind if I take this one?
Ian
Be my guest.
You were stealing from homeless people, Frank! You were pretending to be their father and their guardian and then you turned them into slave labor for your own personal indulgence!
You're lucky you're still alive, because no one would have...
Blamed them for beating you to death and burying the body. So no, you don't get breakfast.
Ian
Okay, let go of the door before I hurt you, Frank.
I... stop. I was their fake father. I'm your real father and I'm not gonna let go of the door until you let go of the door.
Ian
Get the pepper spray.
Come... would you... Come on.
Ian
You've been warned, Frank. I'm gonna count to three. One...
Hey, Liam, would you get me a blanket?
Ian
Two...
Get me a blanket. Yeah. And some of that bacon. Get me... [Ian sprays him and closes the door] Ah fuck! What happened to three? You said, "I'm gonna count to three"! Shit!
Ian
Gallagher house.
[Wake to phone and glances at Ian's phone] Anyone important? Someone named "Answer at Your Own Risk."
Ian
Shit. It's my mom.
Didn't even know you had a mom.
Ian
Haven't talked to her in months.
Ian
Unmedicated. Bipolar. Drug addict.
My kind of gal. Kidding. Are you gonna text her?
Ian
Um... Later. You can't just dive into Monica. You got to dip your toe in slowly.
Should we, um, invite her to the Backend tonight? Could be a hoot.
Ian
Yeah, for you, maybe.
I am charming. Parents love me.
Ian
I don't know. Um... Monica's brand of crazy can be kind of terrifying sometimes.
[Walking down street with Ian] And I don't know where she's at with her meds, so... if it turns into a total shit show... I'll still want to bang you. Probably more. [Sees sign; "Closed for private event"]What? They can't close down the entire place for one party. Fuck...
Ian
Uh, we can hit that cowboy car that we passed down the street.
Ian
You're over 21.
It's all slimy queens jacking off into urinals anyway.
Ian
Then don't use the bathroom, all right? Hey. I'm paying. One drink, then we'll, I don't know, go grab food somewhere else.
I'm not going to a place where they fucking card at the door, okay?
Ian
Hey.
My God. You're so... You're gorgeous! I made a gorgeous man. And here's his gorgeous friend. Hi.
Ian
Bar's closed.
Shit. Well, I went by a cowboy bar.
Ian
No, Trevor won't go there 'cause they card. Are you underage?
Ian
No? You sure?
Ian
Let me see your ID.
Ian
You are underage! Why wouldn't you just get a fake ID like everybody else?
I'm not fucking underage.
Ian
Give me your license.
Ian
Come on.
Okay, if he doesn't want to show you, he doesn't have to show you, hon. Forget it. Come on.
Ian
So?
You're trans? I couldn't tell.
Thanks. They make you show proof of gender confirmation surgery, so let's all gawk at the freak show, yeah?
Ian
Wait, wait. Wait!
You want to see prom pictures too? That's too bad. I was in the hospital with my wrist bandaged that night. I forgot to bring my camera.
Ian
I didn't ask for prom pictures.
How about ballet pictures?
Ian
I was just giving you shit, dick wad.
Ian
Fuck you.
No, stop the name-calling, okay? It's getting crazy here. Ian just gets a little wound up, just like his mom.
Ian
Why are you here?
Ian
No, why are you here now?
Ian
See, this is what she does. She just parachutes into your life like, "Hi, I'm here now." As if nothing happened.
That's... I'm... I'm so sorry. [Stammers]
Ian
You know, I could've used a mom when I broke my collar bone at 12. Or when I got my heart smashed for the first time.
Ian
Move on?! No.
Okay. Ian, come on. Dude, I'm sorry. Come on, babe. Ian, come on. Ian, I just got here. [Ian walks away]
[Ian and Mickey are driving in Oklahoma with cholo Damon]
Ian
Still haven't told me your plan.
I'm thinking a little bit of nipple pinching and some ass eating. Seriously.
Ian
All right.
Hey, go straight to fucking. That's fine.
Ian
You're a fugitive, all right? You can't just stroll across the Mexican border.
I told you, I got it covered. Even learned me some Spanish. [Speaks Spanish]
Ian
What the fuck does that mean?
"Say that again, I'll shove your dick down your throat."
Ian
You have any money?
Ian
[Police car is oncoming] Shit. [Police car passes by unsuspectingly and Mickey chuckles]
So, you ever been to the beach?
Ian
No.
Sun all year round. No more freezing our asses off. Just sandals and tequila from here on, man. It's what kept me going in the joint. The beach. Us. Bet your white ass burns like a fuck.
DDamon
[Holds out makeshift bong from a Gatorade bottle] You wanna hit this?
DDamon
Don't fucking drop that shit. [Mickey takes a hit and coughs]
['Pulls over to a gravel lot] Something else I want to hit. [To Damon] Yo, go take a leak.
Go do yoga. Sing fucking Taylor Swift. I don't give a shit. Get out of the fucking car. Go! [Damon gets out and Mickey says to Ian] Come here. Hey, I bottom now, too, if you want to switch things up. If I wanted to fuck a guy in the ass, I would have stayed in prison. Get the lube, bitch.
Hey, I'm getting pork rinds and a 40. You want anything?
Ian
Uh, coffee and a Kind bar.
Ugh. Fucking pussy. [Gunshot rings out from gas station store with Mickey and Damon running out] Fuck! Go, go, go, go, go!
Ian
Shit.
Drive the car! Drive the car! Drive the car! [Gas station store woman employee opens fire with an assault rifle on them with them driving away unscathed] You beaner fuck! Shit! Damon, you fucking dumb fuck! Come on, what the fuck?!
Ian
You said you were getting food!
I was till shit for brains here pulled his Glock out.
DDamon
I thought when you said we was getting gas, we was going to rob the fucking place.
I meant we were fucking getting gas!
[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Where did you get all this stuff?
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Ian
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Ian
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
What happened to the Alibi?
Svetlana stole it from them.
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
Ian
You are?
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
Ian
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Ian
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
Ian
[Enters kitchen] Smells good. I like Corporal Carl in the kitchen.
Doesn't taste half bad, either.
Ian
[Referring to Lip's plate portion] Eating for two? A boy or a girl, huh? [Rubs Lip's belly]
I'm just trying to fight the urge to drink with extreme nausea.
Ian
Sounds healthy.
Hey, I could try to move your meth today.
Ian
About time. I'll go get it.
Hey, it's not like there's an eBay for this. Shit takes time.
Yo, yo, yo. What up, homeboys? Lip, you're 21, right?
What would another 21-year-old wear to a- a job interview?
Well, a fucking 52-year-old who was in a delusional crack haze thinking he was 21 would wear the green shirt that doesn't belong to him.
I was gonna pick the same one. Young minds think alike.
What, are you looking to collect disability again, Frank?
That was the old Frank. This Frank is different. I wish you kids could've known me before Monica coiled her body around my neck, choked to death the man I was meant to be. You're about to witness the rebirth of a proactive member of society.
[Ian takes bag of meth from Lip] Hey, just-- just give that back a sec. What the fuck's with you?
Ian
It's the last thing she left us. Once it's gone, so is she.
It's crystal meth. What, are you getting sentimental?
Ian
Eh, just kinda hit me. I don't know.
Ian
[Carl takes bag from Ian] Hey!
For that, I'm taking a bigger percentage. A dipshit cut.
Ian
[Shoves middle finger against Carl's face] Gotta get to work. [Goes out door]
[Ian and Carl are counting money on family room couch]
[Comes in] Monica's ex found us?
Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub. Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us. You got any money left?
Uh, no. Only a couple hundred. I had to pay off some debts. Debs?
Ian
Doesn't have any.
Spent it all on equipment and welding school. I'm broke.
Ian
Liam?
Ian
You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth?
Ian
Hell no.
Well, has somebody got a better idea? Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money?
Ian
Hey, Debs, how about Neil?
He literally just broke up with me. He said I'm a horrible person.
[Comes in holding something furry] Evening, family.
Ian
Whoa.
Roadkill, I'm afraid. I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
Of course. [Hands over cash wad]
Thanks. Seven fucking dollars?
Ian
We could rob where you work. Know where they keep the safe?
You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
Monica. Not me. And it's Francis now. I no longer resonate with a hard K.
Ian
[Sighs] Oh, fuck it.
[Lip, Ian, Debbie and Carl are in the apartment that Fiona is renovating and she is sitting on floor with back against wall]
Ian
If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful if you could just tell us... tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[Fiona sighs and gets up to them lined up like a bootcamp rollcall]
Ian
Is this the part where you lecture us? 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that...
You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this... how hard you tried not to have to come to me. Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit... one simple truth. Which is that I was right. When I told you that keeping the meth... was a bad idea...
[Whispers] ...I was right. When I begged you not to take it... I was right. When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was... super fucking right.
Ian
Well...
I am the one who saw to your survival...
[Ian groans]
...since you were babies. I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact. So, I want you to remember this moment. So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe... just... maybe you will fucking listen!
Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona?
I am, Debs. I am. Right after every single one of you says... "you were right."
[Ian sighs]
"And I was wrong, Fiona."
[Ian and Carl are jogging when they pass Lula is putting up flyers]
LLula
You guys live up the street, right?
LLula
I'm Lula, I run the neighborhood watch program.
Ian
The neighborhood what?
LLula
Several houses in the area have been broken into. We're asking everyone to stay alert. They took Miss Fenderson's ventilation machine two nights ago and last night was Mr. Wilson across the street.
LLula
They took his Purple Heart and Silver Star from his mantle and his TV.
Messing with a veteran is a serious violation of everything we hold dear as Americans. What intel do you have of the perpetrators?
Ian
He means we'll take a flyer [Takes a flyer] and keep an eye out.
Ian
Thank you. [To Carl] Hey. [They continue jogging]
[Ian and Carl come in the door to kitchen]
Violating a veteran of the Armed Forces requires an immediate show of counterinsurgency. Shock and awe for those bitches.
Ian
[Hands Lip a flyer] Don't ask.
Fuck's a neighborhood watch?
A club of George Zimmerman-type of pussies who aren't trained for military action.
Ian
Oh, I think it's a group version of not minding your own business.
Ian
What? Sean? Sean?! He was here?!
Sun salutations, fruits of my loins. Am I hearing correctly? The Sean has returned?
This is a test of our family's spiritual growth. I forgive him and wish him peace on his journey.
How much longer are we gonna be putting up with St. Francis of the Southside?
Permanent life change is a daily practice, Lip. I've just entered my symbolic 30s and they require a new sense of maturity.
Ian
What happened to your symbolic 20s?
We grow up fast in the age of enlightenment.
That's great, so Frank's in his early 30s and I'm back in puberty. I'm getting a boner every morning and having to whack off.
Ian
You're not getting laid?
No, it's part of the rules of sobriety. You know, I'm supposed to stay away from relationships... for a while.
Ooh, beware of rules, son. Real change happens when you reset your internal clock.
Thanks for the fatherly advice.
Your 30s are all about becoming a stand-up man. And learning to embrace fatherhood.
Ian
Too bad you're out of kids to screw up.
That's so not true. I've still got Liam. He's the only Gallagher who hasn't been ruined by that whirlwind known as Monica. And I'm going to parent him the way I should've been parenting all along, right, son? Let's get you to school on time. The first step in good parenting... Punctuality. Let's go.
Ian
Hi.
QQuinton
The boy from tea.
Ian
Yeah. Uh, look. Sorry to bug you so late...
QQuinton
Reasons you're here. Quickly.
Ian
We need money to buy the church, or we'll lose it.
QQuinton
Buy? I thought you wanted to lease.
Ian
It changed.
QQuinton
I don't appreciate unannounced home visits. Run along, now.
Ian
I know you from The Fairy Tail. You're a Friday night regular. You cover your face with your turtleneck when you come. So maybe your wife would like to know about that.
QQuinton
Hon? It's the redhead from the club. Thinks you should know about my turtleneck. Also, he wants money.
LLillian
Lillian. I'm the one with the money. Pleasure. How much would you like?
Ian
Um... 30K, for a down payment to buy a building for at-risk youth.
LLillian
I hear you give exquisite head. I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.
Shameless · 903 quotes
