Chuckie quotes from Shameless

Chuckie

Hey, Uncle Carl.I didn't know we were going to be neighbors. Will you tell me a story?

Fiona

Smells good.

Lip

Yeah.

Fiona

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Lip

School.

Fiona

Thanks. [Clears throat] So, I had my prelim hearing.

Lip

Oh, yeah?

Fiona

Yeah. My lawyer's gonna try to get me probation if I plead guilty.

Lip

Okay.

Fiona

Might have to serve a little time though.

Lip

Yeah? How long?

Fiona

90 days or less.

Lip

All right. I suppose we'll manage.

Fiona

Or I could go to trial.

Lip

Why would you want to do that?

Fiona

Why wouldn't I do that?

Lip

Because you'll get convicted.

Fiona

You don't know that.

Lip

Yes, I do.

Fiona

I made a mistake.

Lip

You're guilty.

Fiona

It was an accident.

Lip

You almost killed Liam!

Fiona

You don't think I know that? You don't think I'm blaming myself enough already so I need you to do it too? [Sighs]

Lip

So how long are you in prison if, ah, if you lose?

Fiona

Five years.

Lip

So that makes me almost 25, still at home, taking care of the kids.

Fiona

I know I can win.

Lip

Ghetto chick leaves her drսg addict boyfriend's coke out for her three-year-old brother to eat. Half a gram in the system. Yeah, you're right. You can totally win.

Fiona

I didn't do it on purpose.

Lip

Yeah, but you did it!

Fiona

[Sighs] (again) I turned my back, for, like, two seconds, and now my life is ruined? How is that fair?

Lip

You're his guardian. You signed up for this.

Fiona

I can't go back to jail.

Lip

Of course, this is all about you.

Fiona

Yes, it's about me. Okay, 'cause it's never about me and I'm finally making it about me.

Lip

So what, I'm supposed to drop out of school you do five years?

Fiona

I'M NOT GUILTY!

Lip

LIAM NOT DIED! And that was you! All f****** you! Your coke, your boyfriend, your f***** up life! It's not mine. All right.

Carl

Frank's passed out up in the bathroom.

Lip

Oh, f*ck. S***. He's shooting heroin now.

Carl

Is he dead?

Lip

No, unfortunately not.

Fiona

Oh, my God.

Lip

Carl, grab his legs.

Carl

He s*** himself.

Lip

All right, use a f****** towel. I got him. You got him?

Carl

Where we taking him?

Lip

Where we always do-- street.

Sammi

What's going on?

Chuckie

It smells up here.

Lip

Good. You're home. You deal with him.

Sammi

Daddy? What happened?

Fiona

He's unconscious.

Sammi

Must have had too many oxys.

Lip

Save it. All right? Just get him the f*ck out of the house.

Sammi

What?

Lip

I warned you. Now go! Carl, come here. Get rid of any evidence in Frank's room, all right?

Sammi

He is too sick to leave the house.

Lip

Yeah, no s***! You just let him s**** a bunch of f****** H!

Sammi

He was in pain.

Lip

What if the social worker had showed up right now?

Sammi

But she didn't.

Lip

These kids would've been taken away. And what do you care, huh? You just want to make nicey-nicey with daddy. You get the **** out of my house!

Sammi

Fiona.

Fiona

You have to go, Sammi.

Sammi

Pops? Oh, God.

Chuckie

Ow, my stomach.

Carl

This a scam? You're really gonna shit your pants?

Chuckie

I did a little.

Carl

Asshead, get in. [Referring to the van]

Chuckie

I thought you said we were going to play catch. What's in those bags, Carl?

Carl

Horse.

Chuckie

Why are you taping horse to my tummy?

Carl

Because I'm your uncle and you're my niece. And you do what I say.

Chuckie

I think you mean nephew.

Carl

I think I mean keep your mouth shut and keep it shut no matter what, and don't tell anyone a word about this, or else I'll tie a fucking tire around your tummy and set it on fire, even if you are my niece.

Chuckie

Okay, Uncle Carl.

Chuckie

I still don't understand why you shot him, mama.

Sammi

Because, Chuckie, fatherhood comes with responsibilities that go far beyond shooting sperm into a V hole. And I have decided it's time to teach your grandfather those responsibilities, because, clearly, he never learned them. He's like an untrained dog who keeps shitting all over the house, so we have three options-- run the dog over, send the dog back to the pound to be gassed, or train the dog. And I am choosing to train this dog. Isn't that the option you prefer, daddy?

Frank

Yes, it is, dear, and I really appreciate you taking such good care of me.

Would the defendant like to say anything? Charles?

Sammi

Chuckie!

Chuckie

What?!

Would you like to say anything before sentencing?

Chuckie

Okay!

Sammi

I would, Your Honor. I'm his mom. May I speak? My Chuckie is a good boy. The only thing he's ever stolen was my heart. But he was taken advantage of by an older family member. If you're gonna blame anyone, you should blame his uncle Carl or the family who raised him or me, for putting an innocent boy in a den of wolves.

Carl

It's our crib

Fiona

Not anymore.

Carl

Who says?

Ian

State of Illinois.

Carl

They can't just take it from us.

Fiona

I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.

Carl

Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.

Ian

Yeah, and the second. Oh, and the fifth.

Carl

That table is where Liam was born.

Fiona

There's nothing we can do.

Frank

Can you keep it down in there? Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.

Ian

You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?

Frank

Scorched earth. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow their conquerors the satisfaction.

Carl

Of taking a dump?

Frank

Copper's two bucks a pound.

Fiona

Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy. We need a place to live.

Carl

Let's see them try to get Nick and I out. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.

Fiona

Carl.

Carl

Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades. [To Liam who nods] Think you can pull a pin and throw it? Strap Chuckie up with some explosives and throw him off the roof.

Fiona

Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult. That's big boy prison. Look, the house is gone. It's over. We need to move on.

Chuckie

This is all cause of the mud people. [Points to Nick]

Ian

What the fuck...

Chuckie

That's what my friends in juvie said. [Frank laughs] What? What did I say?

Ian

Chuckie, if you want to stay alive, shut up and go to school.

Carl

Where's Lip at? He'd back me up on this.

Fiona

I told him we didn't need him. He needs to focus on school.

Frank

Kid, what are you doing here?

Chuckie

They sent me home from school. [Attempts to go in house but Frank thwarts him]

Frank

Well, beat it. Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action. No cock-blocking. [Chuckie turns around]

Queenie

[Appears in door] Hey, wait. What's going on here?

Frank

[Gets ahold of Chuckie and guides him into house] Yeah, buddy, who got you all snot-nosed?

Queenie

[They sit on couch] Oh, my gosh. Who upset my little woodchuck?

Chuckie

They suspended me.

Queenie

Well, wh- you weren't fighting, were you? You're still on probation.

Chuckie

No. My teacher wouldn't let me share my book report in class and sent me to the principal's office.

Queenie

Well, what for?

Frank

[Takes report from Chuckie] Well, it's just a wild guess, but maybe the report topic. [Hands report to Queenie]

Queenie

Mein Kampf. Hitler's Mein Kampf?

Frank

Advanced-level fascism. I didn't even know the boy could read.

Queenie

[Sighs] Well, I would have preferred Gandhi, but it's not your fault. The juvenile prison system has warped your brain.

Chuckie

So the superiors put all the inferiors in bad summer camps 'cause they didn't want 'em crossin' the border and ruinin' the neighborhood, and that is why Hitler is a great American leader. [Camer view reveals classmates and parents all looking in absolute dismay]

Frank

[Walks over to Chuckie and puts hands on his shoulders] German, but I think you've made your point here, my young Trump.

Queenie

Tribe! Breakfast! [Gallagher kids come filing in] Good morning. Morning.

Debbie

Why are we in here?

Queenie

We eat in the dining room like civilized people.

Ian

Since when?

Queenie

Since Queenie. Have a seat. Let's get you your flaxseed oil pills. [To Ian] Good for the heart. [To Liam] Mmm. Good for the hair, [TO Chuckie] your colon, [To Frank's place] Daddy, [To Carl] prostate, yeah, [To Debbie] and your baby.

Frank

[Sets down pans] Quinoa pancakes and yucca fries.

Ian

What the hell is a quinoa?

Chuckie

Yucca fries sound yucca.

Carl

[Gets up] Yeah, I'm just gonna go to Mickey D's.

Ian

[Gets up] I'm gonna study at my boyfriend's.

Debbie

[Gets up] Carl, can you give me a ride to the baby store?

Queenie

[Pounds table] Come back now. Look, your father went to great lengths to prepare this breakfast for you with love. So you're gonna sit your little asses down and enjoy it. [Tussling Frank's hair] Need to have a little more respect for this man right here.

Frank

Yeah, you hear that?

Queenie

[Sings] Help me, I think I'm falling [Frank joins in] In love again [To Debbie and Carl] Join us.

Debbie

I don't know the words.

When I get that crazy feeling, I know I'm in trouble again

Carl

I don't want to know the words.

Queenie

Fake it. [Sings] I'm in trouble, 'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler, and a sweet-talking ladies' man...

What the fuck?!

Frank

And you are?

Lamar. Is Carl here?

Frank

He's enjoying breakfast with his family. Come back some other time?

Carl

I got it, Frank.

Frank

[Sings] I've seen some hard, hard cases come down to smoke and ash...

Haven't checked in lately, white boy. Where the fuck you been at?

Carl

Been here and there. G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow. Need you to run it. I think Imma sit this one out.

Sit this one out? [Scoffs] You a comedian?

Carl

No. [Lamar pistol whips Carl on the forehead who falls down]

[To Carl with a bleeding forehead] You think you can just tag in and out like a little girl playing Chinese jump rope? You in this game for life, fuck, so get your ass to the spot tomorrow morning.

Frank

[Gets out van] Ooh, a little nippy.

Debbie

[Gets out holding up phone] Freezing. And no service. Where's your house?

Chuckie

[Points] My tent's right up there.

Debbie

Your tent?

Chuckie

We gonna see a mountain lion?

Queenie

No, we're not, Chuckles.

Frank

You were right all along. I wasn't listening. This is where we were meant to be together. Out in the fresh, crisp air, the smell of pine.

Queenie

Jupiter.

You were sorely missed. [He and Queenie hold each others heads and lean towards each other touching foreheads]

Queenie

Everybody, this is Jupiter, a founding father of Soaring Conciousness.

[Referring to Debbie] And is this...?

Queenie

The one I wrote to you about.

[Walks up to Debbie and puts both hands on shoulders] We all hoped you'd come, Deborah. And here you are. Here, let me help you inside. [Wraps blanket on Debbie]

Frank

Nice of you to bring her a blanket. It is chilly. I know I'm cold.