Lip[Observing books on floor] Well, looks like an earthquake hit. Hope we didn't tip off the neighbors.
Lip
You know, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to remember where the room is after so many blows to my skull. You put "Atlas Shrugged" on the top shelf? Hardcover?
Aww, did Ayn Rand hurt your poor little skull?
Lip
You know, I'm pretty sure she gave me a contusion.
You should read it. She's got some interesting things to say.
Lip
Ah, no thanks. Every Libertarian was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.
All right What about Klimt then? I got it for you. Those paintings I mentioned. Prepare to have your mind blown.
Lip
I'll, uh, I'll check it out.
Lip
No... nothing.
[Leans into Lip getting ahold of his shirt] Theo's going out of town for work. Keep me company tonight?
Uh, I need to ask you advice. I'm going on a date.
Lip
Yeah, with the fireman?
Yeah. You know, Mickey and I never went out on dates. Ned never took me out. Kash and I fucked in the back of a convenience store, and I don't think jerking off strangers in a nightclub counts, so...
Lip
Well, how hard can it be? You know, you eat, you drink, and you bang till your balls fall off, right?
Lip
I'd definitely wear some.
Yeah, asshole, I mean, like, what kind? Like fancy?
Lip
Shit, I don't know, man. I've never really been on a real date, either. You know, not like an official one. [Pounding on door] One sec. [Opens door] Yo.
MSMale student
Holy shit, dude. Been online yet?
Lip
No, I just woke up.
MSMale student
That picture of your lady professor showed up on Gawker this morning.
Lip
What?
MSMale student
[Turns laptop around to show him] It's labeled "not safe for work." [A picture of Helene sleeping in Lip's bed with exposed breasts is displayed]
Lip
I've got 106 new emails. The provost wrote me?
Lip
Being asked to appear before a Faculty Disciplinary Committee. Damn.
[Scoffs] It's none of my business. She's made that abundantly clear. She's not sleeping, eating, showering. I wish she'd let one of you just hold the baby.
Lip
Well, maybe she's got that postpartum thing. You know, when girls go feral in corners and gouge anyone's eyes out who gets too close.
What're those, uh, things called that guys wear at weddings. The flower things?
Lip and Ian get 'em, right?
I gotta meet with the florist, figure out what I'm orderin'.
If they're walking you down the aisle, they get 'em.
Uh, and ushers, groomsmen...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my daughter will be accompanied by her father as she ambles to the altar.
Her who? Oh, you mean that deadbeat that consistently fails to take care of his family?
I may not have been present for your first steps or your first lost tooth or your first blow job, but as patriarch, I'm entitled to my traditional place of honor next to you for your big day.
Then it's my traditional right to ask said patriarch to pay for it.
Done. I'll pay. In money. Cash. Dinero. Greenbacks.
Well, you know, if you're catching up on, uh, Dad shit, you can cover my tuition. Teach me how to ride a bike. I never had a sweet sixteen. Could throw me one after the wedding.
[Lip exits police station to find Clyde waiting for him]
Lip
Nice ghetto job on the windows.
Yeah, some drunk asshole smashed them with a tire iron.
Lip
Must have been pretty drunk.
Lip
You bail me out?
Against my better judgment, yeah.
Lip
I thought they, uh, screwed up the paperwork, made a mistake.
Lip
Too early to know for sure.
You need help. I know a place. Not fancy, but they get the job done.
Lip
Rehab?
You're a drunk. Believe me, I know whereof I speak.
Lip
Look, I got to go to class.
Lip
Well, classical mechanics. Frankel.
You took a swing at a campus cop. Believe me, you're as good as expelled.
Lip
Oh, fuck 'em. I was sick of it anyway.
Sure. fuck 'em. Of course. You've got a problem, Lip. It's time to grow up and deal with it.
Lip
That's kind of strange coming from you. You know, kettle, pot, black, all that.
I've been in and out five times.
Lip
Well, it doesn't say much for the whole rehab thing, does it?
I had two doctorates. I had two kids and tenure before I started drinking. You're 22. Look, you go, you work the steps. I'll see what I can do about getting you a job in the field when you get out. Come on, get in. I'll drive you over there.
Lip
My sister's getting married tomorrow.
Lip
I don't want to miss it.
Lip
Hey, can I get a ride to the El?
Lip
And show up for your court appearance.
I can't afford to forfeit the bail.
Lip
Yeah. I did.
Lip
It was pretty boring, actually.
Lip
Oh, yeah. I learned a lot.
Lip
The people in there are pretty fucked up, definitely need to quit drinking.
Lip
And I learned, uh... a lot of new clichés. One day at a time.
This too shall pass. Keep it simple. Do the next right thing. Let go, let God.
Lip
They're big on clichés in AA.
It doesn't mean they're not true. So... can I take you to a meeting?
Lip
Hey, you're going to meetings now?
No. I just said I'd take you to one.
Lip
[Referring to cardboard substituting a vehicle window] Never got that fixed, huh?
[Sighs] Been meaning to take care of it. Come on. I'll give you a lift.
Lip
I thought you were living at Caleb's?
Caleb's sleeping with a chick.
No dude is bi, all right? You lick dick, you're supposed to be gay.
Haven't decided yet. Probably. God, I can't believe he's licking vag, too.
All right, can you guys please stop talking about licking vag? You're gonna give me a boner.
Lip
You sleep at all last night?
No, if I wake up with morning wood, it'll pop my stitches.
Lip
You're 16. How are you gonna not get wood for 72 hours?
Eyes on the prize, my brother.
Lip
Yeah, which is?
Lip
The chick who made you cut your dick? Yeah, man, no girl's worth that.
She didn't make me. I wanted to. You guys just don't understand true love.
...
Lip
Ah, boy trouble.
Lip
I'll draw you a Venn diagram to explain that, too.
...
Get a restraining order on his ass.
That would mean that I cared. And I don't anymore.
Aren't you angry with him about destroying your future?
Did me a favor. Come on, help me bring his crap downstairs.
Good morning, my wasted sperms.
Frank, you're walking. In a weird way, but you're walking.
Lip
Why don't you go away, Frank?
Is that any way to greet your soon to be ex-father?
Ex-father? We would be so lucky.
Filling out the paperwork to disinherit you abortion-should-have-beens.
Lip
Disinherit? Wow. So we don't get that jelly jar?
Or the three pieces of silverware you stole from the Ramada Inn?
Lip
Or the shame and the embarrassment?
Go ahead, joke all you like. But once my parental rights are terminated, you can no longer use the Gallagher family name.
Hallelujah! I'm just gonna be like Cher and go by Fiona. Here's your shit. I'm taking my room back. And I'm padlocking the house. [Takes toast from Frank] Aw, you made me toast. Thanks.
...
Well, look who it is... Beauty and the Beast. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who's who.
Too bad you're walking again, Frank. I was praying for permanent paralysis.
Where'd you get the stroller, Debs? The only thing Monica and I could afford to stroll you guys around in was a Kroger shopping cart.
Hey, give me that! It's not yours.
Well, apparently it's not yours either. Uh, Maureen Wilson. Looks like you already cleaned out the cash, Little Orphan Angry, so, uh... I'll take the platinum.
You can't do that, Frank!
Should I call Ms. Wilson, let her know you found it?
Fine, take it. Careful, Liam. I used to think Frank would be a real dad someday, too.
You and that little spic you sneezed out of the cavern you called your uterus better start looking for a new last name. I'm disinheriting both of you and taking back the Gallagher name.
Gladly. And while I'm at it, Franny's gonna go by her middle name from now on... Harriet. Harry. So she has no more connection to you.
Harry! Well, that's a perfect name for the diesel dike she's gonna grow up to be someday. Come on, kid. We got work to do.
[Lip and Fiona are walking to house from opposite directions]
Lip
Slut.
I know you are, but what am I?
...
JJolayemi
Come on, Harriet. Sleeping time.
Pfft. Is she still scared of me?
Well, she did watch you bounce Frank's head down a flight of stairs.
How do you say "he had it coming" in Nigerian? What are you doing up?
Caleb won't stop drunk-texting me. Begging forgiveness? Begging, then name-calling, then begging some more. Nice sex-hair.
Ah, Tinder rocks. Free sex, any time I want it. No strings attached.
Lip
Yeah, but you're female. Isn't that always available to you?
Maybe. But Tinder makes it simple. No confusion. No misguided weddings. Now I just bone and go so I can save my energy for more important things.
Lip
Like what?
Lip
Patsy's Pies? Sure you want to be directing all your freed up energy there?
You're one to talk. You spend all day working for free.
Lip
Has a point. But my bullshit internship is gonna turn into a non-bullshit career. What? It was no offense.
Lip
Only 'cause it's true.
Are you sure about that? Working for free is called slave labor last time I checked.
Hey. Debs. Hi, Lip. Are you gonna have sex with my sister?
We're about to leave. Franny's physical exam, to see if I'm an abusive mother.
Lip
You're not. It's just routine.
My sister really likes you. I'm glad you're her new boyfriend.
Lip
I'm not her boyfriend.
A lot of guys used to come around, but you're the only one now.
What if they take Franny?
Lip
Listen to me, okay? No one's taking Franny. She is healthy. She has all her shits. You're not an addict. You've never been arrested, right? [Debbie scoffs] You gonna come home?
Why should I? Nobody threatens to kick me out here. And I can tell DCFS that we have a home and source of income.
Lip
We?
Neil's great with kids. And his penis doesn't work, so sex won't get in the way.
Thought I heard you. Hey. Just give me a minute to get Neil dressed.
Already done. We're going shopping later. You need anything? Okay. I'm not inviting Fiona. No cunts allowed.
Lip
Oh. Good to know. [Walking to bedroom taking off clothes] Hey, you coming to this dinner tonight?
It's in my apartment. Kind of have to. What's it for?
Lip
Fuck if I know, but Debbie insisted we be there.
So, she got into a fight with a homeless lady with a baby strapped to her chest?
Lip
Yeah, the more you get to know Debbie, the more you'll see it's really not that unusual.
You think her and my brother is a good idea?
Lip
Nope. You?
Fuck no. How about you get my mind off it?
...
Lip
Oh, fucking hell. Oh. I didn't know if you'd be good at that.
Lip
That was unbelievable.
Lip
Yeah.
That's how I come sometimes.
Lip
What?
You never heard of female ejaculation?
Lip
Oh, no, I have. I just thought it was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.
Lip
That was really hot. Hey, does that happen a lot with guys?
Lip
When you're alone?
Lip
Hey, why didn't you come like that before?
I hadn't let you go down on me. You have a lot of questions.
Lip
I just... I feel like Watson and Crick must have when they discovered DNA.
Lip
We should've been doing this from the beginning.
Lip
Not until I'm really comfortable with a guy.
Lip
Yo.
Lip
Got the day off from the kids?
Yeah, for a couple hours. I need to clear my head for a while. I got a lot of freaky rape and incest stuff swirling around up there. What can I get you?
Lip
Your best booze.
What, did you rob a mini-mart or something?
Lip
Ah, no, we ripped off a bunch of corporate crooks. Turns out two wrongs do make a right.
Well, our best stuff is still pretty shitty. Regulars go for quantity, not quality.
Lip
They're drinking on me today. Joaquin.
Lip
'Cause they've been screwed over by a system that rewards criminals with white collars and shit values. Fuck mortgage-backed security. Fuck bailouts. Fuck too big to fail. It's time we get a piece of the action.
[To Ian and Carl] Dinner. [Debbie, Ian, Carl, Lip, Liam, Sierra and Neil all take their seats at the dining table] Eh... Sit next to me.
I'll get your soda, Lucas. Can you cut his potatoes?
Lip
Uh... yeah. [Takes cutlery to Lucas plate] Let me help you with that.
[To Debbie] Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.
Lip
What, you said that?!
You don't think it's a good idea either!
Lip
Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back...
Shut up, Lip. What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie. Like all the other guys I've ever been with. He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me. What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will. I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate. You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged. That's why I wanted all of you here.
[Lip and Ian arrive at Fiona's bedroom door with her on bed]
Jesus, just come on in. Close the door. Don't let the AC out. [Lip and Ian sit on Fiona's bed]
Lip
All right. Pop quiz. What's the most Debbie thing Debbie could possibly do?
Lip
Nope.
Uh, joined the Army using Lip's name?
Very funny. [Fiona laughs] Try again.
[Points at Fiona] Ding ding ding.
[Sighs] Well, I may have been stupid, but at least I was in love.
Lip
And of age.
Too bad I missed the shit show.
No, I got work in the morning.
Lip
Well, I need it... after Sierra ripped me a new one.
I do. Why was she so pissed at you?
Lip
I freaked out after she ejaculated on me. No, she's really cool. I might've blown it.
Hold on. She ejaculated on you?
Lip
Yeah.
You mean she pissed on you.
Lip
No. I checked the sheets. They weren't yellow.
Lip
How the fuck would I know what piss tastes like? Oh, shit. You've tasted piss, haven't you?
Lip
Yes, you have. You lie!
Lip
It was like... getting waterboarded. But in a fantastic way.
Lip
Mm-hmm.
So a chick is blowing her load on you like she's a dude. Meanwhile, I'm making out with a guy with a vagina. Yeah, he's trans.
Lip
Oh.
Taking testosterone apparently gives you a giant clit.
Lip
I'm confused. So, does he have a vagina or no?
No, he does. He doesn't call it that, though. He calls the whole situation his junk.
Lip
How do you have sex with the junk?
I don't know. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. No, I'm really into him.
Lip
Just not so into her?
He's a fucking him, all right? Not a her.
Lip
Jesus.
Lip
[Answers phone] Yo!
"Yo"?! That your way of committing to a life in the ghetto in one syllable or less?
Lip
What's up, Professor?
What's up is I need an answer. Am I cancelling my office hours so I can testify on your behalf or not?
Lip
What are you talking about?
Lip
I thought told you to cancel that.
Lip
Why not?
'Cause you're stubborn as hell but generally not stupid, so I thought you might come around. And because the 20 Gs you owe me for rehab aren't likely to get paid back on a dishwasher's salary.
Lip
Fine, fuck you, I'll go!
Is "fuck you" the new thank you?!
Lip
Yup.
Then fuck you too. I'll see you at noon at the Provost's office. And maybe bring a witness to vouch for your character. With that mouth, you're gonna need it.
Your professor? We at the eavesdropping stage of our casual relationship?
Lip
Apparently we are.
You going to that college hearing thing?
Lip
Yeah.
Lip
Why good?
'Cause I think brains are sexy in a man.
Lip
Hey, are we at that "kissing in public" stage of our casual relationship? We smell so bad.
Lip
So, Monica's back? Yeah, when you think you're gettin' out of here?
I don't know, man. I- I didn't plan on staying this long. I want V back, but I don't trust Lana, and V wants me back, but not without Lana, and who knows what Lana wants? We're like the "hour-obe-ras."
Lip
Like the what?
Snake eating its own tail. I saw a label in the Alibi.
Lip
Sure that's how you say that?
Well, whatever. We're stuck. And I don't even know who to ask for for advice. It's like the only time you see this kind of thing is on Maury Povich. Should we do that?
Lip
Do what, Maury Povich?
Yeah, he's got experts. Yeah, V wouldn't allow it. Plane tickets aren't cheap. Who's local? That bald, chubby, Richard-Pryor-lookin' dude.
Lip
Steve Harvey?
I'll call him. Nothing to lose.
Shameless · 903 quotes
