Lip Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Lip

What?

It's Muff. Is Amanda in there?

Lip

No.

Bullshit. Tell her I'm not fucking leaving till she faces me.

Amanda

Turns out lesbians are super possessive.

I fucking love you, Amanda. I fucking love you, you bitch!

Amanda

I let her go down on me, like, twice, and now she thinks we're married.

Lip

Right. So what do you want to do? 'Cause I have to pick up my brother in a few minutes.

Amanda, come out here and face me!

Amanda

I'll let you borrow my car if I can hide under your bed.

Fiona

And you know how good I do with silence.

Lip

Right. Yeah. Silence in our house usually means someone stopped breathing.

Kevin

Yeah, man, shit got crazy. Have you ever done a shot off a coed who's using her ass crack as an ice luge?

Lip

No.

Kevin

Oh, it's way hotter than it sounds. Anyway, this is Stacey, and this is Cassie. Or vice versa. They're wasted.

Lip

Dude, don't-- don't do something you're gonna regret, though.

Kevin

Yeah? - I'm a gentleman, Lip. I'm just escorting them home.

Our Rapewalker to the rescue.

Kevin

No, please don't call me that.

Lip

A Rapewalker?

Well, he brought us back to our room and made sure we didn't get raped.

Kevin

I couldn't leave them alone with those lacrosse players.

Kevin

Well, sucks to be you. College is so much better with no school.

Professor Helene

In my mother's day, they'd say someone like you was being smart.

Lip

In my day, they just say I'm being an asshole.

Professor Helene

But an asshole that knows how to make a hell of an impression.

Professor Helene

And you look like a Schiele self-portrait.

Lip

A what?

Professor Helene

It's a shame you're leaving school. You're a smart one.

Lip

Like smart-smart or asshole-smart?

Professor Helene

Both. Close the door on the way out. What are you doing? Why call Financial Aid?

Lip

I mean, why take such an interest?

Professor Helene

Well, it's my job to take an interest in my students. I'm not sure what you think you're doing, but there's a policy against fraternizing with your professors.

Lip

Oh, I don't want to fraternize. I-I wanna fuck you.

Where the hell have you been?

Lip

I know you assume that my sole purpose at this school is to cater to your sorry ass, but I have a life, all right? So unless you got 6 grand in cash, make it fast.

Dude, you smell like pussy.

Lip

What do you want?

That prick Joaquin stole my weed.

Lip

Joaquin, room 226? How do you know?

Had my laptop camera on.

Lip

And what? He broke in?

Well, the door was open while I was playing Call Of Duty with Marty Fizer.

Lip

Okay, so next time just lock your fucking door, genius.

That's it? My parents don't shell out 60 grand for me to get robbed.

Lip

What do you want me to do-- you want me to call the cops and tell them somebody stole your pot?

Do something.

Eh, it'll be the most fun I've had since I got here. Everybody in my computer science classes are bitter Stanford rejects.

Lip

Not you?

Oh, I got into Stanford. [Inhales sharply on a joint while looking down with a blank face] Too much sun in California.

Lip

Right.

Lip

Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think he's an upstanding young man.

Veronica

Just like Ted Bundy.

Lip

Uh, yeah, no, I just can't figure out, you know, what's-- you know, what's in it for him?

Professor Helene

Might need to get used to it, Lip. The world picking you up. There it is.

Lip

What?

Professor Helene

That angst. Just like Schiele.

Lip

Yeah, that's the second time you mentioned her. I mean, who the hell is this Sheila chick?

Professor Helene

Egon Schiele, an Austrian painter.

Lip

Hey, there's someone downstairs who's calling you sweetheart.

Helene!

Professor Helene

It's my husband.

Lip

Husband? Are you kidding?

Professor Helene

Up here!

Lip

The fuck are you doing? Shit.

Who's this?

Professor Helene

Welcome home. This is Lip. He's quite bright.

Hungry? I just got back from a conference. Starving. How would you like your omelet?

Lip

Uh, whatever.

Lip

And how's the lovely Ms. Muff Bulldagger.

Amanda

Fiery and full of lust.

Lip

Yeah?

Amanda

Like a coked-up Amish teenager.

Monica

Okay, we're here.

Lip

Where are we?

Monica

Home. Oh, God! He's back! He's here!

Ian

Who's here?

Monica

I missed you.

Who is this?

Monica

This is my son. Walter, this is my son Ian. Ian, this is the fantastic, fabulous, incredible Walter!

Lip

Muff still threatening arson?

Amanda

I can go heat it up in the lounge microwave.

Lip

No, no, it's cool. I like it cold.

Amanda

Another trip to the cougar cage?

Lip

No, no. The, uh, physics lab. My, uh, phonon spectra of crystals project is due Friday.

Amanda

Does she make you happy, or is it just about the sex?

Lip

It's the sex, mostly.

Amanda

Is she better at it than I am?

Lip

No, just, um...more practice, I guess.

Amanda

She do stuff that I should probably know how to do? Anything you'd like to teach me? [Lip ignores her] Cold pizza sucks. I'm gonna go warm this up. [She leaves the room and then eventually Lip silently leaves the room, leaving the dorm door open]

Amanda

You disappeared last night.

Lip

I know.

Amanda

That was a really shitty thing to do.

Lip

I know, I know. I just had something to do, okay?

Amanda

You just split and left me there. I waited for two hours.

Lip

Listen, I never asked you to come over, okay?

Lip

What the fuck was that for?

Amanda

Making me fall in love with you.

Lip

I didn't make you do anything!

Amanda

Yes, you did, because you're so fucking...you! You're not like anybody I know or have ever met or will ever meet. You're just-- Oh, fuck!

Ian

What happened to your face?

Lip

Girl hit me.

Ian

Probably deserved it.

Lip

Yeah. There's no such thing as casual sex anymore. You know, I, uh... I think I'm falling in love with one of my professors.

Ian

Woman?

Lip

Yeah.

Ian

Cool.

Lip

Is that Frank? [Frank walks up to van window]

Frank

She's gone, boys. She's gone.

Helene

My book is toast. I was humiliated in front of my peers by a gay Jesuit. It's great that guys study feminism. It's- you know, it shouldn't make it worse that it was a guy, but it does.

Lip

You know, you might want to wait till you're sober before you start to assess your life.

Helene

Am I a cliché?

Lip

What?

Helene

You know, Mrs. Robinson chasing young guys. [Chuckles]

Lip

Well, Mrs. Robinson was hot, so that's not a bad thing. No, you're not a cliché.

Helene

One day- someday...

Lip

Mm-hmm.

Helene

...you're gonna be with a girl your age and you're gonna tell her about... the older woman who taught you about wine and hotels and bidets. [Laughs softly] Bellhop thought we were married.

Lip

Did he?

Helene

Mm. Is that so crazy? When you and I got together, I was looking for a fling, but this is... different. It's so much more than that.

Lip

Yeah.

Helene

Yeah.