NeilHey. Debs. Hi, Lip. Are you gonna have sex with my sister?
We're about to leave. Franny's physical exam, to see if I'm an abusive mother.
You're not. It's just routine.
Neil
My sister really likes you. I'm glad you're her new boyfriend.
Neil
A lot of guys used to come around, but you're the only one now.
What if they take Franny?
Listen to me, okay? No one's taking Franny. She is healthy. She has all her shits. You're not an addict. You've never been arrested, right? [Debbie scoffs] You gonna come home?
Why should I? Nobody threatens to kick me out here. And I can tell DCFS that we have a home and source of income.
Neil's great with kids. And his penis doesn't work, so sex won't get in the way.
Thought I heard you. Hey. Just give me a minute to get Neil dressed.
Already done. We're going shopping later. You need anything? Okay. I'm not inviting Fiona. No cunts allowed.
Neil
Okay. Don't forget anal.
Oh. Good to know. [Walking to bedroom taking off clothes] Hey, you coming to this dinner tonight?
It's in my apartment. Kind of have to. What's it for?
Fuck if I know, but Debbie insisted we be there.
So, she got into a fight with a homeless lady with a baby strapped to her chest?
Yeah, the more you get to know Debbie, the more you'll see it's really not that unusual.
You think her and my brother is a good idea?
Fuck no. How about you get my mind off it?
...
Oh, fucking hell. Oh. I didn't know if you'd be good at that.
That's how I come sometimes.
You never heard of female ejaculation?
Oh, no, I have. I just thought it was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.
That was really hot. Hey, does that happen a lot with guys?
Hey, why didn't you come like that before?
I hadn't let you go down on me. You have a lot of questions.
I just... I feel like Watson and Crick must have when they discovered DNA.
We should've been doing this from the beginning.
Not until I'm really comfortable with a guy.
[To Ian and Carl] Dinner. [Debbie, Ian, Carl, Lip, Liam, Sierra and Neil all take their seats at the dining table] Eh... Sit next to me.
I'll get your soda, Lucas. Can you cut his potatoes?
Uh... yeah. [Takes cutlery to Lucas plate] Let me help you with that.
Neil
[To Debbie] Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.
You don't think it's a good idea either!
Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back...
Shut up, Lip. What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie. Like all the other guys I've ever been with. He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me. What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will. I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate. You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged. That's why I wanted all of you here.
Neil
Oh, your breath smells like Pop Tarts.
...
If you are going to be staying here temporarily, we need to go over the rules.
Oh, Grandma's little cabbage patch.
First thing's first, there will be no drugs or alcohol in this house. DCFS is going to make unannounced visits, so nobody handles Franny who is not sober.
No exceptions. Curfew is 11 p.m. which is also bedtime. No sex in the apartment. Anybody who eats the groceries needs to chip in on the groceries.
You know, it seemed like just yesterday you were at the homeless shelter begging for my help. And now, you scammed your way into your own home. I won't say I'm not proud of your ingenuity, but you might want to ease back on the Stalin-style home care.
It's not a scam, Frank. Neil and I are in love. And he's brain-injured, not deaf.
Aren't they cute? Neil reminds me of that pet hamster Debbie had as a kid. [Frank chuckles]
The one you killed in the bathtub. You remember that, Frank?
Yeah... that... it was a total accident. I was told hamsters could swim.
Love is not supposed to be cute. Love is raw and destructive. Love is you almost stabbing me in the heart with an ice-pick when we were having an argument. That's the kind of passion you can't fake.
Well, Neil and I don't need passion. Come on, Franny, let's go give Daddy a bath before Mommy has to go to work. [Wheels Neil away]
Bye, Franny. Bye, Deb. [Wraps arms around Frank] Our thrills don't have to end.
You goddamn right they don't. You and me, we are immortal.
So I want to show you my plan. I want to see your plan.
[Pouring out stolen goods on table] Oh. Motel orgy loot.
Frank, give Debbie a wallet. Or better yet, give her a ring. For their wedding.
Neil
I'm buying her ring.
Aww, that is so romantic. I lost mine years ago.
Let's see how this one looks on you, my love. I think it's a real diamond.
Wow. I wonder how much Raoul's gonna give us for it. We can't sell this.
Why not? It's the best of the bunch.
No. It fits like a glass slipper. That should never leave your finger. Monica Jean Darrgen...
But what about getting money for the kids?
Let's give the kids something more valuable than money. An example of real love.
And then we'll go back to work tomorrow?
Sure. Today we proclaim how we feel before God and the whole world.
Neil
Pretty sure the whole world doesn't care.
Pretty sure God doesn't either.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world?
[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Where did you get all this stuff?
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
What happened to the Alibi?
Svetlana stole it from them.
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
Neil
I guess.
[Arrives at Neil's place to find him with Lakisha] Hey, guys. Came home early to spend some quality time.
Neil
Um. It's over, Debbie. I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person. No offense.
LLakisha
You know he can't edit his thoughts.
Neil
You don't love me, and Lakisha does. She helped me discover... my prostate. And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money... which is mean.
[Answers phone] What, Carl?
Come home right now. Emergency family meeting. Don't tell Fiona.
Shameless · 903 quotes
