All right. Coke, crackers, and a bedpan. Barb's saying three hours, but could be five. I can't stay the whole time. I got a meeting.
FrankOh, Christ! AA?! Did you let Lip recruit you into that cult?!
Meeting with a public defender.
Frank
Trouble with the law? Excuse me! I've got a bone sticking out of my thigh! Does this look like a scam to you?! Hey, doc! Could you hook a brother up with a little morphine for a broken femur?! Come on, I... Ah, that's right. Just walk on by, Osama. We'll have your ass on that plane and back to Crap-sanistan as soon as the president revokes your H- B visa.
More bees with honey, Frank.
Frank
This is nothing but torture and payback. You signed a Hippocratic Oath, for fuck's sake. Doctors have been convicted of war crimes for what you're doing to me. How did this happen, anyway?! I was taking a brief nap in that shithole you used to own, and they started tearing it down around me!
Frank
I woke up with a... a wrecking ball trying to decapitate me! I had to run for my life. I should sue the bastards!
You were drunk, trespassing, and sleeping in a boarded-up building, okay?! I don't think a lawsuit is likely to go your way.
Frank
Never know. They may settle to avoid a court case. [To Fiona] Hey! You got anything useful in there?! Eh, a Quaalude?! Maybe an oxy?!
Frank
Miss! Excuse me. I'm in quite a bit of, uh, discomfort with this open fracture. I know the doctors are incredibly busy, but could you ask one of them to prescribe something for the pain?! I don't need much! of morphine would be more than enough.
SASouth Asian female orderly
You're Frank, right?
Frank
Yes.
SASouth Asian female orderly
No.
[Chuckles derisively] Your reputation precedes you.
Frank
What the fuck is wrong with you people? You wouldn't treat a dog in the street like this!
Frank
Ay! Jesus!
Frank
Any of those beers have something left in them?
Frank
Any left in the fridge?
Let me finish this first. Ugh. Called a couple home healthcare worker places. Twenty-two bucks an hour. Thirty for overnights. Totally unnecessary. Just set me up in here with my Oxys, a couple of brews, and the remote, and I'm good as gold.
Yeah, you're down here yelling for us day and night. Totally need someone to take care of you.
Frank
Easy.
I'm not even supposed to be doing this. It's Liam's shift.
Frank
Well, then get him down here. Liam!
He's not here, and I haven't told anyone where I hid your Oxy, so don't think you can bully Liam into giving you more.
Frank
What happened to that G.I. Jane chick your brother was banging, the one you were trying to steal?
I wasn't trying to steal her.
Frank
Sure you were. You were following her around like a lovesick puppy.
Frank
So she is a carpet-muncher?
Don't be an asshole, Frank.
Frank
She was cute. Smart, too. I was surprised she went for a moron like Carl. He was definitely punching above his weight on that one.
Frank
Softball? Really? Bi? Or maybe you just weren't tempting enough for her to risk jumping into gender experimentation. Women like smart.
Sorry, sweetheart. You're not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
Frank
Now, I bet if it had been your sister, Fiona...
Frank
Hey. She's not brilliant, like Lip, but she's street smart, quick. I bet if it'd been Fiona, softball girl would've taken that for a spin.
Keep it up, Frank. You'll never see an Oxy again.
Frank
Not to mention, Fiona got Monica's stripper-on-a-bender, dangerous looks, not that it's made Fiona's life easier. Too much pretty can really mess you up.
Hi. Who are you supposed to be today?
Liam, sausage and eggs. Grab a plate.
I don't eat the white man's swine.
Frank
[Reaches for plate] I like swine.
Hey! [Slaps Frank's hand with spatula]
Frank
Ouch!
Only kids under 12 eat for free. Everybody else pays.
Frank
[Looking at budget chart] Why can't I get a couple of hundred bucks of my Fiona money now?
Fiona didn't leave you any money, Frank. She left money for the family, and she left it under my control because she knows I'm the only Gallagher that wouldn't waste it on frivolous, stupid things. [Referring to chart] I've divided Fiona's $50,000 into three categories: 30,000 for essentials, 20,000 for savings.
Frank
Savings?! What the hell for?!
We need a rainy day fund, Frank. Anytime you're around, it's pouring. After I take care of all of the essentials, whatever's left goes into the discretionary fund with money divided equally for each of us, you included, unfortunately.
Frank
Doctors?
Frank
What's wrong with the ER? It's free.
The ER is not free, Frank. You just don't pay your bills.
Frank
Garbage disposal, home repairs. Taxes? What's this 600 bucks you've already taken out of my nonexistent discretionary money?
Frank
There's nothing wrong with our couch.
You spent the last six months dribbling your broken leg juices and piss all over it.
Frank
It's perfectly fine. It's just The cushions need plumping, that's all.
Yeah, we're getting a new couch, and it's coming out of your share.
Frank
Oh, no, it is not.
Yeah, it is. All right, I gotta go to work now, you know, that thing people do to make money to support their children. You might want to wash those clothes. You smell like a sushi restaurant dumpster on a hot day.
[Calls outside bedroom door waking Frank, Mikey and Carl] Asses up if you want coffee!
[Groans] You start bonin' dudes while I was away at school?
Occasionally, if the mood strikes.
Frank
Can't two grown men share a bed together without it being sеxual?
No. [Answers phone] Go for Carl. Yeah, yeah, it's still available. All right. I'll send you the address.
Stinky, dirty, wet! [Dumps laundry on floor] Wash your own shit! You both owe me rent money.
Frank
Oh, come on.
Thirty-seven bucks a night, plus five if you'll be showering.
Frank
What about Carl?
I'm selling my military gear to get some cash.
Electricity, gas, and water for the month is 48 bucks. Let me know if you'll be eating here. I have various meal plans available.
You don't need to pay rent, Frank. You're the patriarch of this family.
I'm keeping the coffee warm for ten minutes. Then I'm dumping it.
[Scoffs] Little Red Riding twɑt needs to understand who's boss around here.
Frank
Me?
Frank
[In bath] Only thing left in these Oxy bottles is dust.
Frank
You have a toothbrush I can use, Frank?
Frank
They're communal. Just grab one.
Frank
The fսck is that? How 'bout we head over to that Russian bakery and snag some of those muffin samples for breakfast, huh?
Frank
No can do, partner. We gotta hit the streets, do some work.
Frank
What? Why?
Frank
You heard Debbie. Rent money.
You're not seriously gonna do what she told you to do, are you?
Frank
That girl's got a serious dose of her mother's crazy DNA. We come home with empty pockets, she may cut our tіts off.
Frank
[Walking out of bank] Debbie used my real Social Securitymy real Social Security]] on a bank account?! Have I taught her nothing?!
Don't be so hard on yourself, Frank. Look, we've all had accounts frozen by the IRS.
Frank
What was she thinking?! I haven't used my real Social since draft-dodging in '69.
[Starts inserting bank card into ATM] Well, you can lead a horse to water, but if the camel's an idiot...
Frank
What are you doing? No, don't- don't- don't- don't- do-!
[Groans] I figured I'd give it a shot! It ate the card!
Frank
[Ranting into ATM camera] God dammit! You think this is funny, don't you, you little robot nerd in there! [Starts kicking ATM] You and your big bank Big Brother and paving the way for automation! This is horse shit!
[Holds up KFC bucket of cash to Frank sleeping on family room floor with Mikey on the couch] My pinto, Papa.
Frank
That's our money, Debbie.
It was your money until you and La Cucaracha over here stole all my shit. Now it belongs to me, along with anything else you receive for the rest of your silly, little life.
Frank
That's bullshit.
And I'm taking the rest of the cash Fiona left into buying a car, something tangible you guys can't squander.
Frank
I can see you're emotional. Let's just- I am as cool as a mοtherfսcking cucumber. Thank you for your contribution.
Frank
[Coughs] What the hell? You- you got dialysis.
I'm not 100 percent, Frank. [Frank puts hand on Mikey's forhead] I dreamed about my death last night.
Frank
How'd you die?
Infected port. My father was there. He was shaking his head. He was disappointed. I let him down.
Frank
How?
What more could he possibly want from a son? So many things. He worked like a dog, my dad. He had a little shoe repair shop. He'd make keys. His dying wish was that I'd become... a real businessman.
Frank
[Stammers] You wan- you wanna be a businessman? Let's make you a businessman. Rise and shine, my pal.
Frank
You can't? You think Lee Iacocca ever said "I can't"?
Frank
[Laughs] I rest my case. Come on. [Starts pulling Mikey off couch] Okay, good.
Frank': One more.
Frank
Hey!
Frank
I am too.
Frank
Here's your shirt.
Frank
I got it.
Frank
[In a city park of downtown financial district] Well, here we are.
What does this have to do with being a businessman?
Frank
If you're gonna go into business, the first thing you're gonna need is capital. Wait. Today is your lucky day. Me and my friend here, we're the wish granters. So, if you really want your wish to come true, you're gonna wanna give that coin to me. But only if you want the wish to come true.
Frank
Absolutely. That's why we're here. Scrape up all the coins in the fountain so we can make all the wishes come true. What do you wish for?
My dog Steve ran away. I wish he'd come home.
Frank
Well, put food in his bowl, 'cause Steve will be home before you know it.
Frank
Make a wish.
Nah, I don't believe in stuff like that.
Frank
Make a wish. What can it hurt? Plus, we're just gonna wade in and get it. [Plops in coin] You wish you were a businessman?
Frank
Too bad. You should have wished for a new port. Oh, well. See those guys over there? These squares. Expense account, healthcare. Look at that breakfast burrito, size of a baby. [Chuckles] Those guys are suckers.
I wanted to be like them. I went to college and everything, job...
Frank
No, shit?! You went to college?! Me too. Northwestern. Malcolm X. Good school. Community college, but... What happened?
I told you what happened. I bought a Blockbuster video store with my pop, lost everything, the muffler shop, the car, the house. My father committed suicide.
Frank
Shit. That sounds... depressing. But today's a new day. You wanna be a businessman? You gotta think like a businessman.
I have no idea what that means.
Frank
It means we're gonna need some new threads.
Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
Frank
I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Hey, what's with the backpack?
Frank
It's for carrying things, genius.
It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
I don't keep money in there anymore, Frank, not after last time.
Frank
You kids got any formal wear with soul? All of this stuff looks like the garb of a colonizer, and I got a follow-up with the Okafurs. Aha. A little cultural awareness on my side of the table can't hurt. Are you busy today?
I'm gonna help Todd edit his highlight reel-
Frank
So no. Congratulations. I hereby appoint you the Gallagher special diplomatic envoy to Nigeria. Your first duty: help me sell a baby.
Frank
[To Carl waking up from a nightmare] Keep your wet dreams to yourself, son.
Saw an old lady get shot at the Ashcroft bus stop last night.
Frank
Who hasn't been shot at that bus stop?
I wanted to help her. It happened so fast. Bus driver wouldn't stop.
Frank
If you made ten bucks an hour, you wouldn't stop either.
You know, the streetlights were out.
Frank
We have streetlights?
Yeah, she said they were out for the past 15 years.
Frank
No surprise there.
Why doesn't the city fix them?
Frank
[Chuckles] Oh, that's adorable. Can I wear this tank top?
Frank
It will be now.
[A video recording justice court judge plays while Frank is asleep tied down to a bed]
TV justice judge: Frank Gallagher, the court reduces your charge to a misdemeanor and sentences you to 30 days in rehab. The deviant thug who tried to steal this bright young man's future, Kyle Holmes, I hereby sentence you to 45 years in prison. Sentences you to 30 days in rehab. Forty-five years for possession. Thirty days in rehab. Forty-five years....
FFaye
[Turns off TV] Good morning. Do you need a diaper change? Please let me go. As soon as you admit what you did to my poor Kyle.
Frank
I told you, I don't remember who Kyle is.
Frank
Maybe if I had a drink. I'm a lot more lucid when I'm drunk.
FFaye
Sounds like a lovely idea.
Frank
Is that a Balvenie? Thirty year? [Claudia then begins to pour out bottle on floor] Don't! Oh, don't! Don't! Don't! No, please, don't do that!
FFaye
Tell me what you did to Kyle.
Frank
Do you have any idea how many millions of brain cells I've destroyed since the '90s? I'm so sober right now, I can't even make anything up!
Frank
I don't remember! I don't! I'm sorry, but I don't. [Breathes heavily]
FFaye
You really don't remember?
Frank
I swear. Please.
FFaye
Then I'm gonna have to make you remember.
FVFrank voice over
[A montage of archival historical footage] Chicago, the city of broad shoulders, the Windy City, a city with a multitude of voices, languages, and a vibrant history. From the four corners of the Earth, people come to the city on the lake to work and help create a truly modern metropolis. Yep, from all four corners of the Earth, all right. Polacks and krauts and dagos and the lowest of the low, the Irish... starving spud famine refugees, like us Gallaghers. Every important moment in Chicago history, a Gallagher was there. The Chicago Fire, Mrs. O'Leary's cow, that was Great-Great-Grandma Gallagher's Holstein. The union stockyard workers, the poor bastards butchering 6,000 steers a day, covered in blood and shit, all Gallaghers. The Black Sox score-fixing scandal, a Gallagher. No, he wasn't a player. He was a gambler. Set the whole thing up. Made a bundle. Prohibition, Capone, you think it was all Italians? Hell no. It was Gallaghers that provided the homicidal muscle. The riots at the Democratic Convention in '68, yep, that was me. Part of the Chicago Eight.
[Scene cuts to present with Alan holding boom mike] The Chicago Eight? I thought it was the Chicago Seven.
FVFrank voice over
It was eight. I was at a White Castle getting burgers for Abbie and the guys when the pigs broke in. So they only took seven and put 'em on trial. Where we're standing, right here, on Ashland Avenue, there were 20 bars on this block 100 years ago, each and every one of 'em owned by a Gallagher. Now we got three hipster coffee shops. It was seven before the COVID took down the weak. Chinamen did us a favor with that virus. Who the hell needs seven coffee shops? Hey, do you know why they call this part of the South Side back of the Yards?
Sure, it was right behind the...
FVFrank voice over
No, no, not because it was behind the stockyards, because it was the back of the Gallagher yards. Every single house owned by a Gallagher.
Frank
"Is any of this true"?! The Gallaghers built Chicago single-handedly. Come on, I'll take you to Leavitt Street. I'll show you the tenement where Paddy Gallagher wrote The Jungle.
Frank
You see that house with the "For Sale" sign? The Sons of Columbus burned a cross in the yard the first night the Jacksons moved in. But the Jacksons were tough. Used to be sharecroppers in Alabama. A racist bonfire didn't scare them. Mr. Jackson died of the 'VID last spring. He was a janitor over at Mercy. [Holds up almost empty slurpee cup] Getting a little dry here, laddie. [Alan rummages in backpack and holds up a bottle of J&B whiskey] My memory elixir! Hey... thanks for caring for what I have to say, by the way.
Well, you're the only person who responded to my flyer. [Frank laughs]
Frank
[Reads off bus stop bench] "Units start as low as $170,000". [To Alan] Time was, you could've bought a whole block down here for that much money. Everything's changing. The Prius crowd is moving in, taking advantage of the folks who lost their jobs in the Corona hoax. Let's go over by the park. I'll show you where the best crack house in Chicago used to be, see if any of the old gang's still around.
Shameless · 903 quotes
