TV show quotes
[Tucker is riding in Sheila, trying to get her to stop]
Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?
Retard, the throttle.
What throttle? This throttle?
Retard, the controller.
You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.
The controller, retard.
Hey, that's kind of insulting.
Retard. Retard. Retard.
Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.
Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.
Okay Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.
What?!
Estoy consiguiendo muy sudoroso. (Translated: I'm getting very sweaty!)
Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.
[commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!
TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!
Aw man, this rules! RULES!
[Inside Caboose's mind, Church talks to Caboose's mental image of Church, Leonard]
You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
[confronting O'Malley]
Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.
Aww, that's sweet.
Shut up, Bitch.
Asshole.
[Doc has just woken up in Blood Gulch; Vic is heard over the intercom]
Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.
Ugh...what happened?
Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude.
Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-
Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.
What?
'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.
I don't wanna hear about that-
Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-
That's weird-
-if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.
Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.
I mean a vasectomy, dude.
[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]
[to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?
Why, from our other subject, of course!
Subject my cyborg ass.
NO WAY.
Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.
Yeap, those too
Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
[Doc is trying to explain what he's found to Vic]
It's like a thing.
It's like a thing. Okay, dude! Thank you for the update! I'll be sure to alert the Chiefs of Staff!
I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.
Use your words, dude.
This doesn't seem physically possible!
Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!
And I helped!
...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.
Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?
Ohhhh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I am sleeping.
That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.
I think consistency is important.
[In ghost form] Well you look okay, then again that's just the armor. How do you feel?
Great! [Short pause] Who are you?
Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?!
Oh of course! I remember you. [Shorter pause] You're Marvin!
[Slowly] I'm Church.
I think I would remember a name That ridiculous. Nope. You are definitely Phill.
You killed me with the tank.
Dave!
You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.
Terrence!
Dude, he called her a slut.
Phineas?
You're whole life is based around pleasing me.
Wally.
In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed w-
Milo?
-ith being my best friend.
[To Tucker] Psst! The new guy is pretty full of himself.
New guy? What the? I'm not the new guy! You're the new guy!
I don't know, I kinda like it. I can get used to calling you rookie.
Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?
[To Tucker again] Psst! What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.
Oh son of a bitch.
Hooven?
Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.
Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.
What the hell is he doing?
Losing a bet.
[explosion noise]
OW! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? Simmons! I need your ovaries!
Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?
What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.
I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
None.
: ...
Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.
Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
By my count? Forty eight.
[O'Malley and Doc are conversing in the cave, à la Gollum/Sméagol]
You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire"!
I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!
But I'm a vegetarian!
I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting.
Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?
You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...
No.
With a hidden spy camera...
No.
Inside a tiny spy bowtie...
No.
Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...
Said no.
That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...
Shut up Donut.
No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!
No!
Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.
Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!
You mean like Doonut?
The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!
Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.
Great, more time alone with the idiot.
Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!
(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...
No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...
Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?
Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.
What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?
Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!
Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?
But we're on higher ground now.
Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?
Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!
No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.
Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)
I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
