Red vs Blue quotes

Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?

Sarge

Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—

Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.

Sarge

Oh, ... then no.

What was all that stuff about your uncle?

Sarge

I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!

You wanna talk about it?

[talking to Lopez] Alright, that's the deal Mr. Robot. You fix our tank, we let you go free.

I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.

Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.

So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?

Why would we trick you?

Oh. [Pause] I think you know.

[looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.

Sarge

Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-

[interrupting] We have intelligence?!

Sarge

That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!

Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?

Sarge

Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.

[jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.

I think I like the ray beam idea better.

Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Shiela... [Scary voice] and start killing everyone!

You mean all the Reds?

Of course... [Scary voice] for starters!

Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!

Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

He didn't fix you, a robot did it.

Don't cock-block me!

No! Heauegerkergerk!

Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]

What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]

Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?

[Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!

[Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!

Yeah, but I stole it first!

I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.

Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys A LOT.

Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time. [Tucker faces a rock what says on the back of it "KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"] Like even when we're alone?

Yes Tucker. And you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

[Tucker faces the ground] It's very lonely out here.

Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.

I found that part entirely out of context.

But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.

I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

And then I can get my body back. Deal?

Deal.

Alright, Tex and I will possess Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.

Right.

What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!

I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.

Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?

Yeah, that's right.

Yep.

Wow. You guys are a lot of help.

Hey Tucker, is that you?

No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!

Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!

[To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.

Yeah, we've met.

And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!

Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.

Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

I'm gonna go look for girls.

Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

[horrified] Oh God.

I can not take any more of this.

So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]

Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.