TV show quotes
Okay, listen closely. Our biggest secrets is Wahigattatawagatagata.
Caboose, it's me Church. I've possessed this guy so we can... whew, hey, this pink armor is kinda' comfortable. Roomie. Sweet. What were you two guys talking about?
Oh... nothing.
.... Wanna braid each others hair?
[Reds negotiate with the Blues with Church possessing Donut, posing as a prisoner]:
What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.
You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!
Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!
Win what?
Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?
You're an idiot.
[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.
Are you becoming retarded?
What should we do, sir?
I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.
None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.
[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
I don't think they're going for it.
Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!
Nice thinking, Simmons.
[crying] The humanity!
ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!
Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!
[Caboose and Donut in Blue base]
I think this is what they call the calm before the storm?
I call it nap time. Which is right before food time. And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all!
Private Doughnut... That sounds like Private Biscuit!
Yeah, it kinda' does...
Thhhaaattt's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.
Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
What?
I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.
Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!
Sorry about the big explosion
Sorry it wasn't bigger!
Gentlemen allow me to introduce :Francisco Monteque Zanzibar, and this one over here is Robot #2.
Grif(reffering to Robot #2): Why didn't this one get a fancy name?
Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-fact chip and rejected all the names I came up with.
*Stick it. You're not my real father.*
But that's OK, I mananged to use that to my advantage. I made some special modifications to numero dos. Check it out. Robot #2. Codewooooord: DIRTBAG!
Meep. [hits Grif]
OW! HEY!
Heheh. Pretty nifty, eh?
That's awesome, sir! Let me try, let me try! Codeword: DIRTBAG!
Meep. [hits Grif]
OW! OK fine, two can play this game. Codeword: DIRTBAG.
Meep. [hits Grif]
Gah! Son of a bitch!
Church, the purple guy, he's...
I know, it's O'Malley, he must have gotten into the medic.
No...he's an asshole.
Help! He took Lopez!
Wow that guy is fast!
Thanks! I majored in track in high school; it was the least competitive sport I could find.
Track sucks.
YOU SUCK!
And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen. In which case, if I see you before you see me, look out!
[O'Malley has escaped with Lopez and the Reds and Blues find themselves forced to work together]
So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.
No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.
No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.
TWO HOURS LATER
Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?
Alright, now let's just find... Where is everybody?
Whoa, where are we? What is this place?
Freeze! Drop your weapon!
Uh oh.
I said freeze, DIRTBAG!
Meep! (Church hits Grif with his gun.)
Ow! Oh come on!
Uuuuugghhh...
Come on mister Blue guy, you gotta wake up, wake up!
It hurts...just let me die.
You can't die! I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.
[Camera goes to a view where Tex is talking to Sheila behind Donut]
I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.
[Camera goes back to Donut]
You see? Boring stuff, like oppression and a hostile work environment!
Get Doc, I need Doc.
I can't, he got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped! He's the one who shot you, don't you remember?
I know, I want him to shoot me again.
Now, now, now. Sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's. If you were gonna die, you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realize you're gonna to have to live with intense pain.
Get that Sarge guy. Have him make me a new body.
Ugh, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke, and Sarge left with the others to go chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch 'em.
[Camera goes to Simmons in Chiron TL34]
Hello? Hello? Is anybody here? Just great, I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.
[Simmons turns on radio]
Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me? Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters which should take me anywhere in the universe...or it's the janitors closet. Hell, I don't fuckin' know. Sarge!? Are you there? Sarge!?
[Upon arriving in Battle Creek]
Hello? Anyone? Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. Clicks off radio Well, I don't think the others are coming. We must have gotten separated somehow.
My toes, are getting pruney.
Ooookay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley?
I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates!
Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left… and the carpet… and the drapes… and I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if y'know what I mean.
[Caboose rounds the corner to see a blue man laying on the ground]
Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!
What? Holy Macaroon... [Sarge runs over to inspect the blue] He's not sleeping son, he's dead.
Oh good. At first, I thought that was me. Because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.
No doubt he was killed by our very enemy. Once again, I find my-self torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the universe, but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do, No sir. [Sarge turns to the dead blue] Rest in piece...scumbag.
[Caboose rounds the next corner to find a small area with bullet holes in the walls, blood on the ground and walls and many reds and blues lying on the ground]
Look, more sleeping people. It must be nap time! But who has nap time now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!
What the Samuel Helsinki happened here? There must have been an enormous battle. [Calls out] Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors? Preferably any RED survivors. Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue! I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
Am I allowed to answer?
Shhh, quiet. You hear that?
[Trumpet starts playing in the background, getting steadily louder playing 'Reveille']
Yes. That noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy.
I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.
I have to go to the bathroom now for some reason... Which is odd, because I already went when we were standing in the creek together!
Wait a minute! I know that song! That's Reveille! But why would someone be playing Reveille in the middle of-
[At this point all the supposedly dead red's and blue's jump up cheering and yelling]
Sweet jibbling jibblets!!
Running time!
[The numerous soldiers run past Sarge and Caboose, running into their respective bases chanting 'hup, hup, hup', etc.]
What just happened here?"
I think all the sleeping people were trying t-
That was rhetorical.
[Sarge runs over to a window through which you can hear unintelligible cheers]
Get over here, gimmie a boost.
Okay...[Walks over to Sarge] You are a good person, and people say nice things about you.
Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
I know... I need you to help me look through it.
I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round, and that window is square.
C'mere you...
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