D'you ever wonder why we're here?
It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some... cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
...What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?
And what was all that stuff about God?
...Do you want to talk about it?
Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.
The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
Well, yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
No, no, but I mean... even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo.
What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens, next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys!
I said, what are they doing now?
God... damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question—
You have the fucking rifle; I can't see shit! So don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick—
Okay, okay, look: they're just standing there and talking. Okay? That's all they're doing— that's all they ever do— is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"
...What are they talking about?
You know what? I fucking hate you.
Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.
Yeah, no shit, that's why they should have put us in charge.
Ladies! Front and center on the double!
Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!
Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?
Uhh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
[sarcastically] That's exactly it, Private. War's over, we won; turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.
I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Crap, we're getting a rookie.
That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.
[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]
May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the "Warthog".
Because "M12 LRV" is too hard to say in conversation, son.
No, but, why "Warthog"? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...
I think it looks more like a puma.
What in Sam Hell is a "puma"?
Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?
No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.
I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?
Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!
I dunno. It looks like... Uh... It looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.
A car? How come they get a car?!
What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
[mutters to himself] You can't pick up chicks in a tank...
Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! Frig! And secondly, how're we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?
Well, what kind of car is it?
I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh ...like a big cat of some kind.
So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with: the Warthog. How about it, Grif?
No, sir. No more suggestions.
Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?
No, really. I'm... I'm cool.
Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.
[sigh] [muttering] Christ.
Hey Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.
Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.
Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it.
Hey, that's not exactly what happened.
Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant", and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading for—
(interrupting) Excuse me uh, sirs...?
I was told to report to Blood Gulch outpost number one and speak to whoever's in charge.
Sorry, man, Sarge is at command getting orders; ain't nobody in charge today.
Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you I should, [clears throat] [mimicking Sarge] "Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can."
...That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Okay, Rookie, what's your story?
Private Donut reporting for duty, sir! Ready to fight some aliens.
Couple of things here, Rookie. First off, "Private Donut"? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
This is the standard issue red.
Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits, and since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
[referring to Simmons] Well, he's wearing red armor.
No. My armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Well, how do I get a different color armor?
I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
[the Blues are admiring their new tank]
So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Oh... okay. You got it, man!
You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.
Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal—
I just refuse to call him Private Donut.
We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease.
Yeah and, uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma too.
You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?
What? Uh, yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.
[Donut starts to go left]
[Donut turns around and goes right]
I knew that! Just... got turned around, that's all.
[Donut goes off frame]
How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
I'd say... at least a week.
[camera cuts to Donut]
Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant.
[the Blues talking about their new tank]
You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
Oh, man! Listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?
Church, women are like Voltron; the more you can hook up, the better it gets.
You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
[Donut walks towards Blue base]
Finally! There it is! Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!
[Donut runs into a room with Caboose standing next to the Blue flag; Caboose thinks that Donut is the general and Donut thinks the Blue base is the store]
Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?!
I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?
Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!
Yes, sir! [motions toward flag] I assume you're here because of this.
Wait... is this all you have?
Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?
Nope. All we have is this flag.
Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.
Sure... that makes sense... I guess...
Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.
[Donut runs off with the Blue flag]
[Church and Tucker talk outside about the tank, completely unaware of what just took place]
Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.
Me? I can't drive that thing!
You're telling me you're not armor certified?
I ca— I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?
No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!
[Caboose leaves Blue base]
Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!
[to Caboose] Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron! [back to Tucker] Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?
[Through a combination of misunderstandings, Caboose let Donut take the blue flag]
Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...
Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!
[Church looks though a sniper rifle]
Where? [sees Donut] Oh! Yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.
He must be one smart son of a bitch.
