Red vs Blue Season 2 quotes

Hey Church, we have a problem.

I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!

I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

No I didn't.

Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

What, what context?!

Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-

Excuse me?

Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.

Excuse me.

Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?

[Scary Voice] Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.

...he’s doing that thing again!

My name is... DuFresne. Are you Private Tucker?

No I'm not Private Tucker, my name is Church. [Turning towards Tucker] This is Private Tucker.

Yo!

And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or... O'Malley or whatever the hell he's calling himself.

Why does he always introduce me second?

Because he hates you.

I received your call for a medic.

Medic? That was like three months ago...

Yeah what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

I came here as quickly as I could. Where is the patient?

Well, about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.

Oh... I'm sorry about your loss...

What? Oh yeah. Yeah... Thanks man... That was tough but what anybody can do...

We didn't like her very much... [Whispering] She was mean to other people.

And who's in the other grave.

That's eh... That's me! I'm in that grave.

Ahem... Of course!

See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-

[Interrupting] Or by the idiot driving it.

Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.

I'm a pacifist.

You're a thing that babies suck on...

No, dude, that's a pedophile.

Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.

That’s real classy, Tucker.

No, I’m just going to check your vitals.

I bet I have better vitals than you.

...

...

What’s a vital?

Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up a defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

I didn’t even know what half of that meant.

Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.

We do not. Have time. To discuss this.

Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin' the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.

Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!

Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

(shaking from constant weapon recoil) Simmons, I can't feel my hands!

Then maybe you should lay off the trigger dumbass.

Okay, you, Doc. Get over there and help Caboose.

My name isn't Doc. It's DuFresne.

Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.

I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.

What's the difference?

Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.

Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.

It's settled then, your name is now Doc.

Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)

Oh trust us, it'll stick.

I can't believe Church shot me!

[Irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!

You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.

Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Why did the reds stop firing?

I don't know, they're probably out of ammo.

Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.

Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo.

He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!

That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!

Rest in peace, pinky toe. [Scary voice] You shall be avenged!

Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?

Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

No water, then what do you drink?

Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge

I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [Singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.

I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...

And?

And that I'm a girl...

What else?

... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...

Sarge

This may be the best surrender of all time.

Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!

Oh shut up. Your armour's pink.