If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?
[voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.
What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?
Huh. You got a pink thing on you.
[voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]
Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch] [voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]
Hey, who's the yellow soldier?
That's just Sister. She's new.
No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!
Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.
Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-
I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.
First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!
What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?
Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!
Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.
Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.
...What the fuck just happened?
Uh, I don't know how to do that.
Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!
It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.
Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]
[Pause] I see your point.
Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]
Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!
Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.
Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.
[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.
What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]
Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]
Ow! What is going on around here?
I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.
Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.
Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
They must have taken him!
Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
He's probably a million miles away by now!
Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
But who knows what direction!
Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Ugh. What direction did you say?
So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.
Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]
What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?
No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.
Um, how should I distract Sheila?
Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.
I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.
So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.
I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.
Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?
Please! You call this working?
See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.
Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.
Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.
What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?
She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.
Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?
Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.
Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.
Junior? Junior? Hey Junior? Where did you go?
[quietly and high-pitched] Honk!
Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?
Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...
Hey, what's going on here?
Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.
Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.
I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.
Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.
That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.
[standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?
Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!
No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...
Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.
I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.
We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.
That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.
Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's anything I can do.
No thanks, Tucker. Maybe they need your help with the tank instead. You'll probably be a lot more valuable out there. What we're doing in here is pretty routine. Hey are you double-jointed?
[in an apologetic manner] blarg.
Come on. Grif should be right over here.
Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!
That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.
Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?
[Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?
We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.
Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...
Information? What did the-
Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?
Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
What, are you jealous? Jesus..
No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.
If we set up a hard-line, yeah, I bet we could do it.
Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!
Tucker, what? What is it?
I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.
How did you even hear that?
Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.
Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?
He's been chasing the dragon.
Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.
Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.
Simmons!? I just told you everything!
But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.
Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!
Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!
He had nothing to do with that!
But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.
By trying to bury you alive!
A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.
Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.
You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.
I had to leave. I found Wyoming.
Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?
I filetracked him back to O'Malley, but by the time that York and I got there... (interrupted by Church)
York? Your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?
That's not a state dumbass!
Delta? The AI? How? I thought they took them... Wait a minute, wait a minute... How was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?
I thought it was because of his armour. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.
Right! Like your invisibility.
No dude, that's all natural.
York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us.
Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?
He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.
What about the second after that?
No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So... Wyoming's armor lets him teleport.
I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.
How's that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is... (pause) Wait a minute... Each freelancer had enhanced suit of armour and AI, right?
Your armour was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega?
Wrong. Oops, missed that one! Could we go back?
(Sigh) I got to make a phone call.
