Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.
I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.
I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?
Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.
Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-
Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.
Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?
Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!
I thought about having a kid once.
Oh, really? It's a lot of work.
Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?
Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.
[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?
Caboose, what did I tell you?
That there are no regular girls.
Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.
Well, I already know the rule.
Go show her Doc and Sheila.
The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.
You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.
Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.
The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?
Yup, that's the hole all right.
Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.
Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.
Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!
Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.
Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.
Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!
You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!
Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"
Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!
[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.
Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.
Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.
[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]
Are you seriously asking that question right now?
The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.
Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.
You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.
Why is she shooting at us?
How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?
Well, go out there and tell her to stop!
Yeah... I'll get right on that.
Aren't you like, the leader, or something?
Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.
Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.
Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]
She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.
[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.
I'm gonna go get my body back.
Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?
Dude, I don't even know what that means.
We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."
Tex, what is your problem?
My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.
Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.
You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.
Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.
Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.
Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.
Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching
None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?
What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.
You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?
Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.
You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.
Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.
Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!
Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.
Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.
Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.
Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!
Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we bring all those drills for! So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine angels, get this place spick and span in no time! You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even in that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... no, it couldn't be! Could it? [Donut walks up]
Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?
It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!
Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!
We don't want them to hear you!
Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.
This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!
Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!
Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.
What in the hell is that thing?
I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!
Donut, why didn't you report this?
I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Hello, is that you, Simmons?
No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Fine, what's your location.
I'm standing right here, next to you.
[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Donut, I told you to be quiet!
Well stop asking me stuff, then!
[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!
And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!
Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.
Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!
I heard something that time!
You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]
There! Did you hear that?
Yes, I heard water dripping.
Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!
You don't know, what if you're wrong?
Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]
So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!
I'm getting the heck out of here!
No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.
At least let's go stand by the light!
No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.
Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.
You're an idiot, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?
Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -
All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.
I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.
Yup. So what do you think?
I... think she seems like there's something wrong.
That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!
I'm a medic, what do you want from me?
Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.
What a shitty medical school.
Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?
Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!
Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -
Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.
Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.
I don't think that'll work.
Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -
Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.
We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.
It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.
It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...
Um... That was pretty dramatic.
Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]
Do you have a good sixth sense?
No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?
