TV show quotes
[Sarge is sneaking up behind Caboose to try and steal Andy]
[Grabs Andy and replaces him with Lopez] Yoink!
Andy?
[Caboose looks around]
...Andy?
[He sees Lopez on the ground]
What happened to you?
Rapido, antes de les que se vuelvan. Cave un agujero y entiérreme. Por favor.
Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.
Andy, you turned in to a real boy!
Regroup, men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo!
Uh...
Simmons! Pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget!
[Simmons and Donut are arming their weapons] Already on it, sir!
It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.
I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.
Yeah also that.
And infectious diseases.
Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, [points to Church's head] indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.
If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it.
[points to Church's crotch] And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency. My bad, Church.
Oh, that's okay. I wasn't using it anyway.
Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?
Oh, boy. Caboose, you better go boil some water.
How can you think of soup at a time like this?
Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.
Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?
[The Reds hide behind the rock and whisper something involving the word "sandwich".]
Uh, because you're outnumbered.
Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!
[The Reds whisper again.]
We also think that it's your turn to surrender.
WHAT!?
Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—
Sheila, shut him up.
[Sheila fires her cannon against the rock.]
(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!
Is that a no?!
Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!
[An akward silence ensues.]
...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.
Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?
What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.
[Caboose contacts Church through the radio.]
Come in, Church. Come in.
Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.
Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.
(aggrivated) Oh my God.
That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!
[Back at Blue base, Tucker is grunting as Doc tends to him.]
Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.
Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!
What. Was that.
Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.
It's not mine!
(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!
Donut! Get back here! Wait for the ship.
But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth! That could take days, weeks, months or even years!
[A Pelican aircraft lands on top of Donut and the Reds look on blankly for a second.]
Ship's here.
[Quickly] Shotgun.
Simmons, (coughing) status report.
Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, sir.
Are there any other injuries?
No, sir!
You sure?
I think so.
Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing, purely by coincidence?
Uh, I don't kno-
No one orange?
Ugh, I'm fine.
Sorry, sir.
Oh, dehrh. [examines his shotgun] I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.
What about Private Donut Sir, there's no way he survived that. Poor Donut, I'll miss him like a sister
I'll miss him like, well, like someone I knew, but then I don't really want to reflect on how deep our relationship went.
Wait a second, do you hear that? Sounds like tapping.
All I hear is you guys talking about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.
Listen, there it is again.
You're absolutely right. That sounds like Morris Code.
Um, excuse me sir. It's actually not Morris Code, it's Morse code, sir.
Morse, haha, that sounds ridiculous, I don't think so.
Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio, Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.
And that cat was one of our finest military minds. Don't you see, that mean Donut is alive and trying to contact us.. Now, get to tappin'.
Maybe we can lift the ship off him somehow.
Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was woman that lifted a car off her baby.
You want me to call Donut's mother?
Don't make me angry Grif, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if there was only some way to tap into our inner rage...like that Hulk fella. Doggonnit, there's never any Gamma Radiation around when you need it.
What if we try getting into the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship.
Or we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship.
I think the jack in the warthog might be able to lift it.
We could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic, or both.
Or we could try digging underneath the hull.
I've got it! A levitation ray! I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.
But sir!
Simmons this is no time to chat about your crackpot theories! I'll get the levitation ray! This is a crisis situation, time to save the day, with science! [Sarge gets into the Warthog and drives off]
Sigh...Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?
And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?
(scoffing) Fuck off, Blue! A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
What, this ship?
(irritated) No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Where'd it come from?
(condescending) It's a spaceship. It came from space.
... ... ... (calmly) Dibs.
(surprised) What?
Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.
(arguing) No, it isn't, jackass! We found it first!
(assured) Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?
(arguing) You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!
(agreeing) Yeah!
(rebuttal) Yes, I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again! Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can!
(angrily through his clenched teeth) Don't call me 'Tomato Can'!
(challenging) Try and take it, then!
Um... Ok... (Turns to Sheila.) ...Sheila?
(Aiming her turret at Grif and Simmons.) You bet!
(upset) Fuck!
(assured) You forgot about that too, didn't you?
(defeated) Yeah, kinda.
Now, step away from the ship, Tomato Can.
(taunting) Ha-ha, 'Tomato Can'!
You too, Lemon Head.
(pissed) Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
[laughs]
What's that tapping? Sounds like Morris code!
[sighs] Morse...
Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.
Heh heh heh... sounds like fun!
Well, what does it say?
It says "tap tap tap." We don't know!
We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us!
No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around and doing nothing. Just like the last 50 times I interrupted you guys... Oh, wait, wait, wait, listen... it says... [tap] "Red..." [tap] "sucks..." [tap tap] "balls!" Hey, hey! Look, my new ship can talk! And it knows things! That's a good ship!
I think there's something wrong with the tank.
Yeah, I noticed
I got an idea.
Whoa, hold on a second, before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes our plans and that tank.
Come on, Grif. I think it's malfunctioning.
Well, there's only one part that has to function to turn me into a cloud of orange mist.
Bad news, men, I couldn't find that levitation ray. But I did find the remote control to - HEY!! What's going on out here?! What do you think you're doing, you lousy Blue?
I'm just trying to figure out what's up with this spaceship out here.
Dibs!
Too late...
DAG NABBIT! Why do I ever leave you two to guard ANYTHING? EVERYBODY knows about the international "dibs" protocol! And the no take backs accord!
Caboose, where's Doc?
(still lying on the ground) Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.
Well actually, that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.
We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.
Where's Tucker?
Still in a coma.
Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.
I'm fine, by the way. Don't worry about me... [pause] I'm so cold...
Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call command....Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place to Doc
Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?
What?
Honk?
I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-
Take your time. This is a big moment.
Blarg.
I don't have time for this right now
Honk.
Shut up you're disgusting
Doc, what is Vic's number?
What for?
For reinforcements. Wait, unless you've had, like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes?
Uh, nope.
Then, yeah, reinforcements.
Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.
That doesn't count.
I don't know, it was a real doozy... Number 2.
Doc, Focus! Vic's number, what is it?!
C'mon, Church! Everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?
Oh, right. Vic's jingle
"If you want to talk, don't e-mail, and don't you click-click-click-click, just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K!"
You know, it probably would've been more memorable if it rhymed...or if his name actually ended with a "K".
Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.
Honk!
And do me a favor, kill that fucking thing, would you?
Blarg.
Hey dude.
Vic, hey. This is Church. I need -
This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K diddly-do. I'm not in the casito right now so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta.
Hey Vic, this is Church. I need to-
You have reached the voice mail system.
[sighs] Okay, okay, come on.
To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
I know how to leave a goddamn message.
When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.
Really. Hang up. No shit. I was just gonna keep talking until he decided check his voice mail.
For delivery options, press five.
Just give me the damn beep!
To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six,-
Come on!
To repeat this message, press nine.
I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
