Red vs Blue quotes

Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?

How should I know?

He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...

Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!

I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.

He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

[still ringing] For the love of evil, someone get the phone!

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Why don't you get it?

[still ringing] You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot! What do I pay you for?

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] To clean up after all your failed plots.

[still ringing] Oh shut up you fool, you don't even have a body!

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] [still ringing] Yes. Because of one of your failed plots.

[still ringing] Why all this bickering, can't we all just get along?

[still ringing] And answer the damn phone!

[Subtitled, with Lopez off-screen] Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?

[still ringing] I find you far too sarcastic with just a head.

I don't recognize the authority of this court.

Sarge

No one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

Who's the prosecution?

Sarge

Well, I am, of course.

You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest!

Sarge

I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection!

Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.

Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

Oh, my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

I haven't been here in quite some time. Which one is the blue base?

It's the blue one.

Oh, yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design.

Hm... it's quiet. Too quiet.

Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Alright Hold it right there!

[Subtitled] I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

Yes, I see that. Thank you for keeping us informed... Moron.

That was a warning shot, O'Malley. If you make any funny moves, the next one is going right in the middle of your visor.

You think you can make that shot from here?

Uhh, probably not since I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God, I think someone fuck's with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.

We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is until we need it, HAHAHAHAHA!

No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is.

(Chuckling fiendishly) Oh yes you will. You will or else your little friend Tucker will die. Die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him. So you will let me do what I want. You will agree even if what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening! What I want is something PURE EVIL!(Laughs madly) I've also been told that a $20 co-pay is pretty much standard.

All right. Fine.

Ah, you fool. And we want the $20 up-front!

Fine!

And in cash.

Whatever!

Ah, you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles, or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools.

Caboose, give me 20 dollars. Wait, give me 30 dollars.

Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy. Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker, and he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.

Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball. Hello bowling ball.

Actually, I'm a bomb.

It can talk?

Why is it the first thing everybody says to me?!

A talking bomb you say? Hmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organisation, heh heh.

Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

I see... well, this is certainly awkward.

KABOOM!

[recoiling] Satan's bunions!

Ha ha ha! I was just kidding, I didn't really explode! heh heh!

Ha ha ha ha. Good one.

Yes highly amusive.

Sarge

Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

Right here.

How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

No.

No.

Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

Sarge

What've you two been talkin' about?

Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.

Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

Sarge

Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?

Lopez, do you know what time it is?

Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.

I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.

Yo comido un lápiz.

I ate a pencil.

Adios!

...

...

Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to; Vic Jr. I'll bet his kid's changed sides.

Sarge

Eggs Benedict Arnold! Those dirty traitors!

Sarge

No offence, Simmons.

None taken, Sir.

Sarge

...Traitor.

God dammit!

Okay, everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket". Muaheheheh!

Uhh... Sorry, I'm busy.

Caboose?

I can't.

Well, why not?

Oh. Because... I am allergic to things I don't want to do... [Fakes coughing] ...Coughing.

Ok, just more fun for me.

Hey, guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

What is it, Doc?

You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Just tell us, Doc. We can take it.

Your friend is -

Dying? Oh, no!

No, he's not dying, he just has -

No chance to live. I knew it!

Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

How do I say this, your friend is...

Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Oh, good... Wait, what?

Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund

No it's true. We found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. I think.

(to Andy and Caboose) Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

(chuckles) Don't look at me! Tucker's not my type!

Cha! Me neither. And, uh, maybe we should have the...doctor explain, uh, just how babies are made, y'know? Uh, in case someone...in the group, uh, may not exactly know how that happens...

Oh my God, Caboose shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaard... this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing started.

Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Hey! No one is pregnant! And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

(short pause) I'd like that.

Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, let me get you started. There's three holes. (short, maniacal laugh)

Oh, gross

I meant in the bowling ball!