Red vs Blue quotes

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THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

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I HATE YOUUU!

Vic, it's Church. I need -

I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full.

Urgh... I'm gonna kill myself, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down -

No, it's not. Look! Caboose is already back in action!

[wanders out of Blue base] I'm okay! I'm okay! [falls down] I'm not okay!

He's fine.

Also, I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Oh, and I forgot that part. The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile. [pauses] Awesome.

Doc, I don't think this situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but god knows what kind of reinforcements they have on that thing! It could be a whole new squad, or a freelancer, or -

Grif's Sister?!

Yeah! Isn't it cool?

See him there? Right there? The yellow one.

[aiming sniper rifle] The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

The other yellow one. Dumbass.

Oh, that new yellow person - oh, yes, of course, yes. Ah... he looks very scary, yes, and I know that because I'm looking right at him, right now, yes, he's yellow, yes, this is very interesting.

[sighs] You don't even see him do you?

Yeah, I - I don't even know how to use this thing.

Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

What if it's a new gun?

What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Honk...

...ple!

Honk!

Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Maybe he's an alien!

An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Well, look who's awake.

What the fuck happened?

Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Can I get the short version, please?

Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Are you guys talking about me?

We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

He said it.

What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

That's Church.

He means the ship, Caboose!!

He said it.

I don't know, Sarge. If command was wrong about you being dead, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like what if the Blues don't suck? [gasp] What if the Blues are awesome?! This changes everything!

Sarge

But I was so young! And violent!

And that's what makes this so tragic.

But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahaha! You know what I'm talking about!

Sarge

C'mon, is this a remembrance or a roast?

Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about "glazed donut holes" if ya know what I mean. Hey-oh!

Too soon!

And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons-

Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

WOOO-HOOO!

Not you!

Aw...

Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.

Boo, you suck!

Grif, get off the stage!

Oh, sorry (leaves)

Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

(shouting) Boo! You suck!

Sarge, is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classic.

Hey, everybody, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was really old, and that's gross.

Haha, I wrote that line!

Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once

Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky!

So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Uh, what do I do?

Why are you asking me?

I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.