Donut quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

... We're in battle?

Sarge

Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Yes sir!

Sarge

Scream like a woman!

Caaaaan do. AHHHHHHHHH!

Sarge

Grif!

What?

Sarge

Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge

Simmons, kiss ass at will.

You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!

Sarge

Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!

Sarge

Grif, you're up.

Permission to assist Donut sir!

Sarge

Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!

Good call sir!

Sarge

You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.

I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...

Sarge

You stole that thing all by yourself?

Yep. And then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.

Sarge

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I've caught the fever!

Shotgun!

Shotgu- Fuck...

Shotgun's Lap!

FUCK!!

Sarge

We're moving too slow! we'll have to leave someone behind...

Not it!

Not it.

What? No way! You're leaving me behind?!

Sarge

Sorry Donut, but the military laws are very clear in regards on the 'not it' methodology for making decisions.

Awww man! There's just so much about the army that I don't understand!

Sarge

Donut, you're going out of turn.

I thought I went after Simmons.

Sarge

No, we go in line. It goes you, then me, then Simmons, then back down to me, then you, then me, then me, then Simmons, then me, then me, then Simmons, me... me, Simmons, you, Simmons, me, me, me, Simmons, you... me..., then me again. It makes perfect sense!

I'm telling you it was here! It drove by while you were talking, you had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!

Well it really sounded like, (Starts to make a bad impersonation of the tank, along with some fake screaming).

That's not the important part of the story, Donut!

Sarge

(sarcastically) Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality!

No I'm not! Donut saw it!

Yeah!

Sarge

Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

Yeah!

Sarge

Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate!

*gasp!* That's not true!

Sarge

Heh heh, so that's where you draw the line?

No, I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate.. right?, seriously right?

Okay, well Grif saw it too, we all saw it!

(lying) I don't know what you are talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.

What?

How's it going, Sarge?

Sarge

Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there for far too long. He's probably subjecting him to all manner of unbearable torture. I figure in just a matter of hours, Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body, unable to cope with the never ending stimulation of pain and horror! ...But in answer to your question things are fine! Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.

[Off-screen] Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!

[Off-screen] Grif, just stay down there like you're told!

Well, that's my cue. Let's go!

Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.

Well, what do I tell them?

I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

I always did wanna be a hero... And a liar.

Well then today's your lucky day.

Halt! Who goes there?

Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)

Oh, right, you. What do you want?

I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?

I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)

What's your problem, Donut?

Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

I'm not the enemy.

Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.

More like pink.

I have a gun.

OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

You helped the Blues.

And fooled them.

You knocked Sarge out, twice.

Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.

No, the Blues don't know either.

Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?

I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

Sarge

What's all this ruckus?

There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Sarge

Where?

Right there.

Sarge

Where? Behind Simmons?

He means me sir.

Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".

That's because I am me.

But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

That's because I'm me.

And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge

I don't want to hear it, Blue.

What, this is valuable information about the war.

Sarge

There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge

Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled

Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Sarge

Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

Right here.

How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

No.

No.

Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

Sarge

What've you two been talkin' about?

Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.

Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

Sarge

Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?

Lopez, do you know what time it is?

Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.

I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.

Yo comido un lápiz.

I ate a pencil.

Adios!

...

...

Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

WHAT!?

Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Sheila, shut him up.

(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Is that a no?!

Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

Come in, Church. Come in.

Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge

That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

What. Was that.

Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Sarge

Donut! Get back here! Wait for the ship.

But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth! That could take days, weeks, months or even years!

Ship's here.

[Quickly] Shotgun.

Sarge

Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we bring all those drills for! So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine angels, get this place spick and span in no time! You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even in that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... no, it couldn't be! Could it? [Donut walks up]

Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?

Sarge

It is! Oh, it is!

Sarge

Nooooo! Moan...

It's been crazy down here, Sarge.

Sarge

Nooo...

You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!

Sarge

Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!

Sarge, keep it down!

Sarge

I have sinned!

We don't want them to hear you!

Sarge

Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.

This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!

Sarge

Repent! Repent!

Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!

Sarge

Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.

Yeah, but look at that!

Sarge

What in the hell is that thing?

I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!