Donut, why didn't you report this?
DDonut
I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Hello, is that you, Simmons?
DDonut
No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Fine, what's your location.
DDonut
I'm standing right here, next to you.
[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
DDonut
Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Donut, I told you to be quiet!
DDonut
Well stop asking me stuff, then!
[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!
DDonut
And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!
Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.
DDonut
Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!
It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...
DDonut
Um... That was pretty dramatic.
Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]
DDonut
Do you have a good sixth sense?
No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?
DDonut
Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.
Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
DDonut
Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
DDonut
Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
They must have taken him!
Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
He's probably a million miles away by now!
Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
But who knows what direction!
Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Ugh. What direction did you say?
Come on. Grif should be right over here.
DDonut
Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!
That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.
Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?
[Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?
We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.
Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...
Information? What did the-
Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?
Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
What, are you jealous? Jesus..
No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.
Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?
DDonut
He's been chasing the dragon.
Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
DDonut
That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
DDonut
He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.
DDonut
Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
Oh! Whats all this business?
It looks like a bunch of computer equipments, Sir.
Excellent analysis, Simmons
DDonut
And it's attached to some kind of TV thing.
So it is... Astute deduction, Donut.
It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!
Ah... yes. Another incredible observation from the 'Stating the Obvious Department'. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.
Simmons, Donut, you two stay here. Grif's going to continue to help look for Andy.
Fine. (sigh) I hate my job.
DDonut
Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Man, so many good memories.
I hope this thing isn't connected to the Internet.
Ah... The Blues must have set this up! Crafty devils! Spying on us all along. What's all that?
Looks like the blue base!
Why would the Blues spy on themselves?
Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might have.
Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just want to see themselves on TV. Or I bet they have those stupid liberal legal time laws. Blue commie bastards.
What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us?
DDonut
Wait a minute. How could an ANCIENT civilization be MORE advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?
They could have mysteriosly disappeared! Only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology...
DDonut
(turning to Simmons) That's gay!
Let's finish this fight later.
(surprised) That looks like Sister's armour!
DDonut
Oh no! What happened to her?
Clearly she's been disintegrated!
DDonut
Why would they do that?
We can't tell Grif! He`s going to be devastated!
Tell you that your Sister's been vaporised by the Blues.
(laughing) It`s like ripping off a bandage, Quick and incredibly painful.
We just talked about this! I thought we agreed not to tell him!
DDonut
You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge!
Son, the only thing I need to do is stay red and die!
I'm really sorry, Grif. She's dead.
(sad) How could this have happened? Oh man... That was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her!
This has to be hard, Grif! I... don't know what to say.
I just.... I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever! I'd give anything to see her again and just talk to her one last time. But I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.
DDonut
Oh, hey, look!! She's not dead! She's just naked!
(angry) What? That little slut! I'm gonna kill her!
Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!
[yelling] PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you?! Don't embarrass the family!
I don't think she's embarrassing it - Whoa! Why is she doing splits?
Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?
Does this thing take dollar bills?
Come on! That's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!
So? She's not our sister.
Why does Donut get to look?
DDonut
Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.
That's why Donut gets to look.
[frustrated] Oh, look, she is putting her armor back on!... Oh, I mean [changes tone] Oh, look! she is putting her armor back on. Good work, soldier!
It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.
What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty back stabbers!
DDonut
I thought the Blues were supposed to attack our base.
Simmons! What are they saying?
I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. Without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.
Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.
(Church has entered Caboose's mind, where everyone is shown as how Caboose sees them)
Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!
(Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!
Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!
(Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.
DDonut
(As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!
Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.
I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?
She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.
FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?
DDonut
HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!
Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.
DDonut
(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-
(Donut is knocked out by Tex)
Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!
Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.
(Tex knocks out Sarge, forcing O'Malley to infect Grif)
Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.
We're here, is anyone hurt...
(Grif falls asleep, forcing O'Malley to infect Doc)
...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!
I know that laugh. Nobody move!
(O'Malley infects Church)
You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...
(Tex knocks out Church)
Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?
(O'Malley infects Tex)
You have no idea how much trouble you are in
(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.
Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!
Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!
Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.
And don't shoot me this time!
Okay (immediately shoots Church)
Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)
Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.
Sarge, I thought you were dead!
I was dead, Doc revived me!
That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!
Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.
(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!
And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!
Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?
I never thought about that, Uh-huh.
I've always wanted to go out-
Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!
Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!
Stay away from my sister!
Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)
(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!
DDonut
Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!
I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes