Caboose quotes from Red vs Blue

So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Hey kid?

Yeah?

You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Oh... okay. You got it, man!

You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

Wow! You got here fast!

Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?!

I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?

Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!

Yes, sir! [motions toward flag] I assume you're here because of this.

Wait... is this all you have?

Uh, yes, sir! That's it!

Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Ummm...

Headlight fluid?

Nope. All we have is this flag.

Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.

Sure... that makes sense... I guess...

Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Me? I can't drive that thing!

You're telling me you're not armor certified?

I ca— I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?

No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!

Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!

[to Caboose] Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron! [back to Tucker] Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?

Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...

Is that bad?

Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!

There! There he is!

Where? [sees Donut] Oh! Yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

He must be one smart son of a bitch.

Oh shit! Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red.

Oh man! That means it's their sergeant.

Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

Uh...you know...he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

Rodger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge. [takes four shots; all miss]

Oh, great. Now he's taunting us! That's just embarrassing.

All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

Right!

Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

There is no way I'm going through that thing.

Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

We already tested the teleporter, remember?

We threw rocks through it!

Yeah and so what? The rocks came through the other side, didn't they?

Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff.

Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya. [Church points his gun at him]

You wouldn't.

You know, I look at it this way: either a) we go through there and get the flag back, or b) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

For the record, I want you to know: rocks aren't people.

Duly noted. Now get in there.

Crap! All right. One... two...

Huh. He didn't come out the other side...

Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

Okay, Rookie, you stay here. I'll be back with the flag.

Hello, and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila.

(nervously) Hello... Sheila... big tank lady...

Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Oh that'd be very nice. Thank you!

Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Okay.

Now that you've mastered driving the M8O8V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

No! No, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Because it's locked on!

Target locked.

Well, unlock it!

Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

Uh oh.

Hey, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank like right now!

I can't figure out how to GET THIS THING OPEN!

Night vision engaged.

Rookie! Get out now!

(desperate) Ok... open the... ok... uh, Sheila will you please open the door?

Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle T-

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!! Running, running, running! Man... That was close.

Look at your tank though.

[in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A Space Odyssey] I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaaivvvvy... Daaaivvvvvy...

(screaming) SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?

(devastated) Shiela's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.

Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news. And Tex is one of the worst.

If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?

To tell you, I don't know why I'm not dead. Could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into eachother once before.

Where?

You, uh... You remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. [starts to fade away] Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

Okay.

I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing! You'll regret it. [fades away completely]

So! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

I told you his girlfriend was a slut!

Sarge

[sighs] Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

I... I don't know... Like ten... Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks? ... You're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

Sarge

Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. I'll give you a 10 second head-start before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry about-

Sarge

5 mississippi, 6 mississippi.

Okay, I guess I'd better get going.

Hey guys! Not funny, somebody could get hurt here!

That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

[Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]

...Right. That too.

Hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

I'm scared...

[talking to Tex but Tex is not listening] So you've got the special forces black armor I see... Were you in the special forces at some point? [Tex reloads some more] Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex leaves] Okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

[whispers] I don't think he likes you.

[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Did Tex get into the base?

Yeah.

Blue team flag returned.

What the?! Who said that?

[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Hey, its Church!

Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Hey Church, what are you up to?

Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

That sidewinder is cold!

argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Not to let him get involved?

Right, and what did you do?

We let him get involved.

And not just a little involved, how involved?

Very, very involved.

Sarge

Freeze.

Sarge

Drop your weapons.

Hey buddy.

Sarge

What?

You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Whatever no one likes you anyway.

Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Well, that's just perfect!

What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

She?

Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge

Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.

Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

(Dejectedly) I like me...

I don't think I've ever seen a girl that mean before . . . are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?

I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And I'd definitely know if she was part shark.

But you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Right, you should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

A.I. What's the A stand for?

Artificial

What's the...

(Interrupting Caboose) Intelligence

Ohhhhhh, what was the A again?

Let's move on.

So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.

So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.

Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.