Grif quotes from Red vs Blue

Shotgun!

Shotgu- Fuck...

Shotgun's Lap!

FUCK!!

Sarge

We're moving too slow! we'll have to leave someone behind...

Not it!

Not it.

What? No way! You're leaving me behind?!

Sarge

Sorry Donut, but the military laws are very clear in regards on the 'not it' methodology for making decisions.

Awww man! There's just so much about the army that I don't understand!

Okay, the source of the distress signal should be right outside this - crap!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This sucks.

But doesn't that mean you go twice as much... or ten times as much?

Sarge

[Fires sniper rifle at Grif] This is the best game since Grifball.

I'm not coming down!

Sarge

Hey Grif, move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival! [Takes another shot at Grif, who ducks] No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit. Act like a duck!

Wait a minute, that was my turn!

Sarge

This is the lightning round!

Who's in the lightning rou-

Sarge

Me

Alright! fuck this i'm coming down. (Sarge shoots him at him again) OW! I SAID I'M COMING DOWN!!!

Sarge

Ha-ha, BUZZER-BEATER! Take that you stupid duck!

I'm telling you it was here! It drove by while you were talking, you had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!

Well it really sounded like, (Starts to make a bad impersonation of the tank, along with some fake screaming).

That's not the important part of the story, Donut!

Sarge

(sarcastically) Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality!

No I'm not! Donut saw it!

Yeah!

Sarge

Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

Yeah!

Sarge

Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate!

*gasp!* That's not true!

Sarge

Heh heh, so that's where you draw the line?

No, I mean, it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate.. right?, seriously right?

Okay, well Grif saw it too, we all saw it!

(lying) I don't know what you are talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.

What?

[to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?

This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.

Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]

Firing main cannon.

Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...

Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base—I mean, the Red base! Fuck!

You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!

Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.

Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!

Sarge

Grif! What are you doing all the way over there! At least Simmons has the ingenuity to formulate a traitorous plan!

Thank you, sir!...I mean, SUCK IT BLUE!...God dammit, I mean RED!

Sarge

But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort! I never would've expected this from you.

Oh, up yours.

Sarge

What was that?

...up yours, SIR.

Sarge

That's better!

WHOS A BAD HOSTAGE TAKER NOW BITCH!

I think I found a design flaw in your hole.

[Off-screen] Simmons, I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!

[Off-screen] Grif, just stay down there like you're told!

Well, that's my cue. Let's go!

Halt! Who goes there?

Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)

Oh, right, you. What do you want?

I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?

I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)

What's your problem, Donut?

Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

I'm not the enemy.

Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.

More like pink.

I have a gun.

OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

You helped the Blues.

And fooled them.

You knocked Sarge out, twice.

Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.

No, the Blues don't know either.

Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?

I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

Sarge

What's all this ruckus?

There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Sarge

Where?

Right there.

Sarge

Where? Behind Simmons?

He means me sir.

Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".

That's because I am me.

But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

That's because I'm me.

And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge

I don't want to hear it, Blue.

What, this is valuable information about the war.

Sarge

There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge

Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled

Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Who's the prosecution?

Sarge

Well, I am, of course.

You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest!

Sarge

I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection!

Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.

Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

Oh, my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

Sarge

Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

Right here.

How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

No.

No.

Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

Sarge

What've you two been talkin' about?

Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.

Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

Sarge

Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?

Lopez, do you know what time it is?

Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.

I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.

Yo comido un lápiz.

I ate a pencil.

Adios!

...

...

Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.