Grif quotes from Red vs Blue

But you guys think I'm your enemy, and I'm not preparing to do anything. Cept' get L.A.I.D.

...

...

Laid.

Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.

Sarge

Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned, Sarge.

Sarge

Did you find something? Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

Yeah...it's like this...

Sarge

Grif, I just built that jeep. I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking. Or you can stop listening.

Sarge

Grif!

No no no, it's not destroyed Sarge. The engine just quit.

Sarge

And what exactly were you doing when the engine died?

Duh, getting the jeep outta the ditch.

Sarge

What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

Well I can tell you what it wasn't doing, and that's reenacting the coolest scene from The Dukes of Hazzard ever. [Sarge moans in exasperation.] Simmons was driving.

No I wasn't! I was holding the arrows and the dynamite!

Sarge

Wait a second, this thing isn't busted. It's just outta gas.

It runs on gas?

Sarge

Of course not, moron. Where are we gonna get gasoline? I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission, powered by solar energy.

So then why is it dead, sir?

Sarge

You would have had to park it in the shade for at least two hours. What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

Well, I can tell you what we weren't doing...

Sarge

Ah, forget it.

What took you guys so long to get here?

There's six of us, and this is only a three seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

(excitedly) It was a great road trip. My favourite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

(sighing) Please, let's not tell the story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

I've scouted a location inside the base where we can set it off and take the whole place down. I marked the spot with a big X.

You scouted it.

Yeah.

If you got past the two walls, the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets, and made it all the way in to the fortress, why didn't you just plant the bomb then instead of putting a big X on the floor?

(hesitantly) ...I can't carry it.

What?

What was that?

It's too heavy, okay?! You happy?!

Yeah, kinda.

I need one of you idiots to carry it. I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need someone to move a couch, who do they call? [Tex stares daggers at Grif.] Please don't kill me.

Sarge

Ah; go ahead and kill him, we can use his armor for spare parts. Here, this thing dosen't look so heavy. Look at the... (tries to lift the bomb) Whoa! That thing's not moving!

I can carry it.

I guarantee you'll need two people.

No, it's true, he has crazy strength. Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

(picks up bomb) See.

Sarge

Great Paul Bunyan! He's like an ox!

But I have no horns... or lumberjack friends.

Come on, no way it can be that bad. Let me give it an... ah! (Caboose drops the bomb in Grif's hands and Grif falls to the ground) (Grif hands the bomb back to Caboose) Here you go, you can carry it.

She'll do anything for money.

That's not true.

It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.

(eagerly) Which one's Grif?

See? She's not even really on the Blue Team. She was just paid to come and help us.

(motioning towards Simmons and whispering) He's Grif.

Have her do this for you, and then you guys owe her a favor. That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?

That'll work. I'll help you, and then the two of you have to do something for me.

Okay, we'll do it.

Wait just a second. What would we have to do?

It all depends.

Depends on what.

On...what I need...to do some future job.

But, it could be anything.

That's right, anything.

.........Like gay stuff?

...I have no idea.

...Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?

Hey, how come I never get to help?

Sarge

OK, listen up dirtbags. If we’re gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. I’ve got two options we can use. Number one, we all run straight at the base in a single file line, screaming at the top of our lungs. [scene goes black and white and shows everyone running in slow motion toward windmill while yelling]. The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we’ll already be inside.

Oh yeah, right, they’re not gonna get surprised, they’re just gonna start mowing us down.

Sarge

That’s the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front, [scene goes black and white and shows them all in a line being shot with a sniper rifle], so if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.

Don’t you think Caboose should be in the back since he’s the one carrying the bomb?

Sarge

Nope, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in the back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.

How are you going to know if it’s not working?

Sarge

If Caboose dies, I’ll know we’re in trouble and immediately abort.

I think that’s a good plan.

Sarge, while that’s the most retarded idea I’ve ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.

Sarge

Don’t get misty, Francine. We’ll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

Sarge

I think we can all agree given our current situation it’s the perfect plan.

Sarge

Well let me tell you about my other plan, using parts from the warthog we create something I like to call ... the Grif Cannon. Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif sized hole in the outer wall, or paint it a very disgusting color.

You know what? I miss the old days, when we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

It's okay. We hate you too, man.

Okay, Grif, we just need to jump through here.

Okay, go for it.

Me? Why me first?

Because, I don't wanna die?

But this thing's moving super slow. See?

Nice knowing you, Simmons.

Target locked. [Fires main cannon]

Hey, what are you guys doing up here? [Several gunshots are aimed by Future Church to get Donut's head but he misses every time]

OH MY GOD! How the hell did I miss?!

That chick with black armor is back.

What chick? You mean the chick that stuck the gernade to my head? [Church misses again]

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oooh, oh I've been waiting for this. [Donut runs over to the edge of the base that faces Tex.] HEY BITCH, REMEMBER ME?! I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA! [Donut throws a sticky grenade at Tex. Everybody watches the grenade fly slowly threw the sky while Future Church tries to shoot it down but misses every shot.]

FUCK. THIS. HORSE. SHIT!

Man, that girl has a really good arm.

[The gernade land on her] Aw, crap.

Alright, that's it. I quit. I'm going to go live in a cave. [Church runs toward the caves. And Tex blows up.]

DIOS MIO NO!!

I just think it's important to receive credit for working while some people are in the back seat monkeying about.

Okay, first of all, monkeying 'about'? Second, I don't think sitting in the jeep and listening to the radio counts as working, and thirdly, monkeying 'about'?

Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings. The only person who doesn't know is Donut. He's not even here.

Sarge

That's because I asked Donut to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting!

And that's how I saved Christmas.

I did not even know the North Pole was in San Francisco. This changes everything!

Yeah and I don't think Santa's outfit is a leather biker's outfit.

You may be the dumbest person I've ever met.

And I think you're just covering your ass.

Hey, Sarge...

What?! I'm not covering my ass! You're the one covering yours!

No way.

Sarge

Stop arguing you two! Simmons isn't covering his ass and Grif certainly isn't covering his. No one's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, what do you want?

Uh.... Is that a trick question?

Sarge

Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

... We're in battle?

Sarge

Course we are! Now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Yes sir!

Sarge

Scream like a woman!

Caaaaan do. AHHHHHHHHH!

Sarge

Grif!

What?

Sarge

Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge

Simmons, kiss ass at will.

You're both an excellent leader and a handsome man, sir!

Sarge

Excellent work Simmons! Incoming!

Sarge

Grif, you're up.

Permission to assist Donut sir!

Sarge

Permission denied. Continue with operation Meatshield. Remember, just cause your bones are broken doesn't mean it won't stop bullets from hitting me. Now get out there!

Good call sir!

Sarge

You're on your way to a medal Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around! Purple heart for Grif, pink heart for Donut, and a brown nose for Simmons.

I'm too young to die! I'm too pretty to die! I haven't even seen Paris yet...