Grif quotes from Red vs Blue

Sarge

Hey, Grif, hold these bullets for me... [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] ...IN YOUR GUT!

Ow! I can see my spine!

Sarge

Simmons, have you seen Grif?

No sir, not recently.

Sarge

Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!

I don't know what to tell you, Sir.

(In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!

Sarge

Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?

Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.

D'oh!

Sarge

Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.

The what? That doesn't even sound real!

Have fun Sir.

Sarge

Where're you going Simmons?

To an XBox 360 launch party.

Sarge

XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.

Technology moves pretty fast Sir.

Sarge

Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.

Sarge

There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.

Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.

Sarge

No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.

Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?

Sarge

Replace the big rocks with grenades.

Figure skating?

Sarge

Landmines.

Downhill skiing?

Sarge

Laser gates.

Speed skating?

Sarge

Everyone gets a bayonet.

Snowboarding?

Sarge

Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.

Ok, well, what about the luge?

Sarge

Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!

Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!

Sarge

(after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.

Sarge

Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.

All the dinosaurs are already dead.

Sarge

It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.

But that process takes millions of years.

Sarge

I've got time.

(In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!

Sarge

Are you familiar with turducken?

Yeah, that's what I do when I go to the monkey house and make them mad.

(Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.

You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.

Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?

Sarge

Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.

Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.

Sarge

So I decided to make my own variety.

What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?

Sarge

Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-

A what?

Sarge

Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)

Two turkeys?

Sarge

Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.

(Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.

I call the turbine.

Sarge

Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?

You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.

Sarge

That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!

What was the leopard for?

Sarge

Presentation.

Hi everyone, I'm Private Dexter Grif from the popular web-series, Red vs. Blue.

And as always, I'm Private Dick Simmons.

As many of you are no doubt aware, this flu season has been particularly harsh, even here in Blood Gulch.

During the winter months, disease can spread like a virus, and as we all know, a virus can carry disease.

I had all of those things, I was very sick.

No you didn't Caboose.

No, it's true. Caboose got Asian Bird Flu.

What?! How is that possible? Doesn't Asian Bird Flu only infect birds?

Somehow, he found a way.

I am feeling much better now, and, I can fly. *Jumps off the cliff* (shouting) I am flying! *thump* Ow! The sky is very hard.

Hey Doc, nobody likes you.

What? What are you talking about, everybody likes me!

Everybody hates you. You don't fit in.

Oh? I think I fit in just fine.

Really.

Yes.

Okay, let me ask you this, Doc. What's your zombie plan?

My what?

There's two kinds of people in the world, Doc. Those who have a plan prepared for when the zombies take over the Earth, and those who don't. We call those last people dinner.

Nobody does that!

In my zombie plan, I'm going to Alaska, because zombies have no body heat. They'll freeze like corpse-sicles! It's brilliant!

Nobody else thinks about stuff like that!

Hey Simmons!

What?

What's your zombie plan?

I have two weeks worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.

What?!

What happens at the ends of the two weeks?

Oh, I'm keeping that to myself! I don't want to risk you turning into a zombie and knowing what I'm up to!

Oh, come on!

You still doin Alaska?

You know it!

You'll never make it Grif, the major freeways will be choked with stalled cars and people trying to flee the major population centers! Its going to be nothing but a tasty flesh bottleneck!

Good luck to you Grif!

Good luck to you too Simmons!

Are you guys brain-damaged?

Sarge

Hey you knuckleheads, what's all the yammering about?

Hey Sarge, do you have a, quote, "zombie plan", unquote?

Sarge

A zombie plan? Of course not!

See? I told you.

Sarge

I have 37 different zombie plans!

Wow. Now that's preperation! I am seriously impressed, Sarge.

Sarge

Well don't be, dirtbag. In 36 of the 37 plans I use your fresh corpse as bait, so that I can make my initial escape from the legions of the undead!

Well, at least I know there's one plan where I-

Sarge

In the 37th plan, I knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus, just so I can devour you!

Sarge, you gotta be pulling my leg.

Sarge

Why do you think I carry a shotgun with me at all times? You have to be ready to act on a moments notice! Hyah!

Guys, with all the problems in the world, I can't believe you spend this much time thinking about- [moaning in the distance] What's that?

Sarge

Romero's beard! The Blues have been infected!

If anyone needs me I'll be in the attic!

Hello Juneau!

Hey everyone! You know, it's this time of year our thoughts turn to our family and our friends.

That's why we here at Red Versus Blue want to wish every one of you a very merry Chris-

Hold it right there, guys!

Doc, stop interrupting our holiday message.

Uh, yeah. Listen guys, you should really know the holidays can be one of the most offensive times of the year.

Offensive? Holidays are awesome! You get tons of Christmas presents, and you get a bunch of candy canes!

But just think about how exclusionary that statement is to people that don't celebrate Christmas! Or to dentists, or to people who use canes!

Huh. I never looked at it that way.

Oh come on. I suppose you want to chicken out and just say Happy Holidays?

Yeah, I don't know. Holidays implies holy. Some people aren't religious at all! Also the word happy might be insensitive to people who suffer from depression.

What?

He's right, you know. Each year, clinical depression affects millions of Americans.

Don't say Americans!

Oops, right, you're right. Sorry. [Grif just stares at Doc]

What? It's a global platform!

Sarge

What're you knuckle-heads yackin' about? I thought I ordered you to have yule-tide cheer! I don't see any yules, now get to yulein'!

The Grinch over there is tellin' us we can't do the holiday message.

Sarge

What in Sam Hell? What Commie told ya that? I'll kick him in his Kringle. I'll punch him in his holly bush. I'm gonna rip off his partridge and kick him in the pear trees!

Doc and Simmons are worried about offending people that don't celebrate Christmas. [Doc makes a whiny noise] I mean the holidays.

Eh, still kinda...

[sighs] That don't celebrate a special time at the end of the year. Is that better?

The Aztecs use a different calendar. The end of their year is actually-

Oh come on! The Aztecs have been dead for like a billion years!

Sarge

For once I agree with Grif. This is total nonsense! This is our show. We can say whatever kind of greeting we want!

Okay, let's all just calm down before somebody gets too festive. Ahem, pardon me, I meant seasonally excited.

Sarge

That's a bunch of Rudolph droppings if you ask me. I'm not scared of offending people, just watch me go. Hi, this is Sarge from Red Versus Blue, and I want to wish everybody a very merry- [an Xbox 360 guide menu pops up in front of him and the screen goes black and white] Hey, get that thing out of here! {the menu closes] And give us back our color! [the color returns] That's better. Now as I was saying-

Uh, Sarge? I'd be careful if I were you.

Sarge

They can't stop the signal. Now on behalf of everyone here at Red Versus Blue, we want to wish you all out there a very Merry- [Sarge vanishes]. (An Xbox 360 alert pops up and says "GrifKilla51" signed out)

Whoa, what happened? Where'd Sarge go?

I guess they stopped the signal.

Well, okay. If we can't say Happy Holidays, what can we say?

Just think of something as inoffensive as possible.

What if we just say hi? Hello.

In what language?

How 'bout we just send a universal mathematical message with no implied emotion?

Would you send it in hexadecimal?

Sure.

You know, this is a time of year when we all try to figure out ways to avoid spending any more time with our families than we absolutely have to.

And there's no better way to do that than hiding from them in a big dark room with a bunch of strangers.

We're talking, of course, about going to the movies. Or, if you find today's movies to be too sexually explicit, a strip club.

Nowadays, most people treat a movie theater like their own home. And they treat their home like a gas station bathroom, which is gross.

Previews? What the hell is that? I don't want some previewed movie that other people have seen already! Those are the sloppy seconds of cinema!

Aw, shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Silence is golden? Ain't there any dialogue in this picture? That's okay, I got my own soundtrack: This sucks! Zing!

No, you suck!

This isn't open mic night!

I heard this movie got two thumbs up. My question is up what? Oooh! That burns!

Why don't you go kill yourself?

Honk, honk, blarg, eh!

Shut that kid up!

Don't tell me how to raise my child!

I hate babies.

Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!

Allright, that's it. Get him, Junior!

Oof! [Simmons falls out of sight]

I didn't know this was gonna be an action movie! Ew, an NC-17 action movie!

Oh God, my spine! Put it back in, put it back in!