Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

But girls can't be color blind!

Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what?

Yeah! Wait, what?!

We didn't even use a coffin! We just threw a bunch of dirt on him!

No, I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

You know that trick?

I learned from the best.

Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

You mean after we dig up Sarge.

No,[switches to shotgun] I mean right now, Grif.

What are girly laps?

Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you picking up his shotgun.

[pumps shotgun off screen]

And I really don't think he's going to like you threatening me with it. Well, okay. He might like that part.

As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running right now.

But what about Sarge?

You heard what command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Aspirin overdose.

See, Sarge is dead of... an Aspirin overdose? Really?

I know, I didn't think it was possible! Trust me, I've tried.

Yeah... wait, what?

Simmons, don't be stupid. He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt!

Oh, my God, what's wrong with you? Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

Because -

And don't say because nobody asked!

But nobody did ask!

God damn it.

So what if she is a blue? We'll still keep her.

We can't do that! She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her!

Do I get to do that? 'Cause that would be awesome!

No she wouldn't! Besides, she's color blind! We'll just tell her we're blues!

Uh, hello? We already told her we're red. Idiot.

Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're blue now.

Woo-hoo! Go Blue! Let's win!

See?

What else was on the ship?

What do you mean?

Y'know like guns or weapons...

Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Woo-hoo!

God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

No take backs!

Oh, what the fuck?!

[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Who's gone?

Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Oh, calm down.

Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Slow down!

There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!

You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.

[stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?

[stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?

Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

I didn't see any bats, okay?

Did you hear any bats?

No!

Did you smell any bats?

I don't know what bats smell like!

And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.

It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.

Yup, that's the hole all right.

That's what I told you!

Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

RETREAT!

Ahh!

Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Who is that?

That's Tex.

Whoa! He's a badass!

[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

He's kinda hot.

Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Are you seriously asking that question right now?

The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Why is she shooting at us?

How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Awesome!

Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Nice recon work.

I'm gonna go get my body back.

Yeah, good idea.

Aaaaaaaah! [Grif falls, flailing and screaming, into a large cave. Simmons gracefully lands behind him]

Ta da!

[stands up] Ugh. You didn't have to push.

Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper! This guy.

Sarge

Donut, why didn't you report this?

I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]

[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?

Sarge

Hello, is that you, Simmons?

No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

Sarge

Shut up, Donut!

Uh, okay.

[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!

Sarge

Fine, what's your location.

I'm standing right here, next to you.

Sarge

Shut up!

[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.

Sarge

Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?

Grif isn't anywhere around here.

Sarge

Donut, I told you to be quiet!

Well stop asking me stuff, then!

[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.

Sarge

Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.

[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.

Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?

I heard something that time!

You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]

There! Did you hear that?

Yes, I heard water dripping.

Sounds like bats!

Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!

Bat Water!

There are no bats!

You don't know, what if you're wrong?

Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]

So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!

Sure. Why not?

I'm getting the heck out of here!

No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.

At least let's go stand by the light!

No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.

But the light would -

No.

- help us see the bats -

No.

- and their fangs!

No!

Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.

You're an idiot, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?

Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -

All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.

If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?

[voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.

What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?

Yeah, why do you ask?

Huh. You got a pink thing on you.

[voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]

Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch] [voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]

Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.

Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!

Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]

Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?

Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!

They must have taken him!

Sarge

Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?

The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...

Sarge

A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.

I've got a signal!

Sarge

He's probably a million miles away by now!

Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

Sarge

But who knows what direction!

That direction.

Sarge

Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?

I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.

Sarge

Ugh. What direction did you say?

That way, sir.

Sarge

Come on, let's go.

Come on. Grif should be right over here.

Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!

Sarge

That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.

Enabler!

I see something.

Sarge

Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.

There's Grif.

Sarge

Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?

[Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?

We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.

Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...

Sarge

Information? What did the-

Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?

Sarge

What did they look like?

Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?

What, are you jealous? Jesus..

No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.

Yeah, you're jealous.

Sarge

Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.

Sarge

Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?

He's been chasing the dragon.

Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.

That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!

Shut up!

He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.

Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.

Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb. The bomb!

Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."

Sarge

Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.

Thank you, sir.

Simmons!? I just told you everything!

Sarge

But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.

Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!

Sarge

Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!

He had nothing to do with that!

Sarge

But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.

By trying to bury you alive!

Sarge

A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.

Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.

Sarge

Oh, don't spoil it!