Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.

Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

Oh, my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

Sarge

Lopez? Donut, where did you find him?

Right here.

How were you two talking? Lopez, do you speak English now?

No.

No.

Well, if he doesn't then why did he just say no in English? Busted.

I took four years of high school Spanish. That's the best way to learn any language.

Sarge

What've you two been talkin' about?

Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name, I asked him what his name was, I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train costs, and I asked him for the cheque.

Haga por favor que el hombre rosado para el hablando con mí.

Please make the pink one stop talking to me.

Sarge

Ask him where he's been - No, ask him where he's going - Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.

¿Lopez, que es el tiempo?

Lopez, do you know what time it is?

Voy a ir a la playa con mi primo qui juega el tenis.

I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.

Yo comido un lápiz.

I ate a pencil.

Adios!

...

...

Hmm, looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to; Vic Jr. I'll bet his kid's changed sides.

Sarge

Eggs Benedict Arnold! Those dirty traitors!

Sarge

No offence, Simmons.

None taken, Sir.

Sarge

...Traitor.

God dammit!

Sarge

Regroup, men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo!

Uh...

Sarge

Simmons! Pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget!

[Simmons and Donut are arming their weapons] Already on it, sir!

Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

WHAT!?

Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Sheila, shut him up.

(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Is that a no?!

Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

Come in, Church. Come in.

Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge

That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

What. Was that.

Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

Sarge

Donut! Get back here! Wait for the ship.

But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth! That could take days, weeks, months or even years!

Ship's here.

[Quickly] Shotgun.

Sarge

Simmons, (coughing) status report.

Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and landed on Donut, sir.

Sarge

Are there any other injuries?

No, sir!

Sarge

You sure?

I think so.

Sarge

Are you sure? No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing, purely by coincidence?

Uh, I don't kno-

Sarge

No one orange?

Ugh, I'm fine.

Sorry, sir.

Sarge

Oh, dehrh. [examines his shotgun] I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.

What about Private Donut Sir, there's no way he survived that. Poor Donut, I'll miss him like a sister

Sarge

I'll miss him like, well, like someone I knew, but then I don't really want to reflect on how deep our relationship went.

Wait a second, do you hear that? Sounds like tapping.

All I hear is you guys talking about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.

Listen, there it is again.

Sarge

You're absolutely right. That sounds like Morris Code.

Um, excuse me sir. It's actually not Morris Code, it's Morse code, sir.

Sarge

Morse, haha, that sounds ridiculous, I don't think so.

Yes. Morse is the person who developed an international code for communicating without audio, Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.

Sarge

And that cat was one of our finest military minds. Don't you see, that mean Donut is alive and trying to contact us.. Now, get to tappin'.

Maybe we can lift the ship off him somehow.

Sarge

Great idea, Simmons! I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was woman that lifted a car off her baby.

You want me to call Donut's mother?

Sarge

Don't make me angry Grif, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Now if there was only some way to tap into our inner rage...like that Hulk fella. Doggonnit, there's never any Gamma Radiation around when you need it.

What if we try getting into the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship.

Sarge

Or we could build an army of clones that could lift the ship.

I think the jack in the warthog might be able to lift it.

Sarge

We could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic, or both.

Or we could try digging underneath the hull.

Sarge

I've got it! A levitation ray! I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.

But sir!

Sarge

Simmons this is no time to chat about your crackpot theories! I'll get the levitation ray! This is a crisis situation, time to save the day, with science! [Sarge gets into the Warthog and drives off]

Sigh...Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?

And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.

What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?

(scoffing) Fuck off, Blue! A ship just crashed on one of our guys.

What, this ship?

(irritated) No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.

Where'd it come from?

(condescending) It's a spaceship. It came from space.

... ... ... (calmly) Dibs.

(surprised) What?

Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.

(arguing) No, it isn't, jackass! We found it first!

(assured) Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?

(arguing) You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!

(agreeing) Yeah!

(rebuttal) Yes, I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again! Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can!

(angrily through his clenched teeth) Don't call me 'Tomato Can'!

(challenging) Try and take it, then!

Um... Ok... (Turns to Sheila.) ...Sheila?

(Aiming her turret at Grif and Simmons.) You bet!

(upset) Fuck!

(assured) You forgot about that too, didn't you?

(defeated) Yeah, kinda.

Now, step away from the ship, Tomato Can.

(taunting) Ha-ha, 'Tomato Can'!

You too, Lemon Head.

(pissed) Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

[laughs]

What's that tapping? Sounds like Morris code!

[sighs] Morse...

Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

Heh heh heh... sounds like fun!

Well, what does it say?

It says "tap tap tap." We don't know!

We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us!

No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around and doing nothing. Just like the last 50 times I interrupted you guys... Oh, wait, wait, wait, listen... it says... [tap] "Red..." [tap] "sucks..." [tap tap] "balls!" Hey, hey! Look, my new ship can talk! And it knows things! That's a good ship!

I think there's something wrong with the tank.

Yeah, I noticed

I got an idea.

Whoa, hold on a second, before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes our plans and that tank.

Come on, Grif. I think it's malfunctioning.

Well, there's only one part that has to function to turn me into a cloud of orange mist.

Sarge

Bad news, men, I couldn't find that levitation ray. But I did find the remote control to - HEY!! What's going on out here?! What do you think you're doing, you lousy Blue?

I'm just trying to figure out what's up with this spaceship out here.

Sarge

Dibs!

Too late...

Sarge

DAG NABBIT! Why do I ever leave you two to guard ANYTHING? EVERYBODY knows about the international "dibs" protocol! And the no take backs accord!

Doc, I don't think this situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but god knows what kind of reinforcements they have on that thing! It could be a whole new squad, or a freelancer, or -

Grif's Sister?!

Yeah! Isn't it cool?

But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahaha! You know what I'm talking about!

Sarge

C'mon, is this a remembrance or a roast?

Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about "glazed donut holes" if ya know what I mean. Hey-oh!

Too soon!

And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons-

Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the laugh cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

WOOO-HOOO!

Not you!

Aw...

Okay, whatever. Get off! Hi everyone, I'm here to say a few words about our friend, Sarge.

Boo, you suck!

Grif, get off the stage!

Oh, sorry (leaves)

Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

(shouting) Boo! You suck!

Hey, everybody, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but he was really old, and that's gross.

Haha, I wrote that line!

Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once

Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead, too. And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.