Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

Oh, what, the Reds are giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Reds aren't that smart.

Okay, normally I would agree with that, but this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my earplugs and hide all our food?

Up yours, dickhead.

[talking to Sheila the tank] Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a good idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. In through the air filter, out through the manifold. [Shelia points her turret at his head] Okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy? Think about something that makes you really angry that isn't me.

Sure. [aims across the gulch, straight at Church far away who sees her taking aim at him throught the sniper rifle]

Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

Well, uh, welcome to the blue team. I guess we should probably give you some kind of orientation or something like that. So, this is the, uh, this is the base here. It's the outside of the base, inside's on the inside, you go through that door right there, to the inside. Um, there's a ramp over here. There's another one on the other side. It's kinda smaller. Does the same thing, though. Uh, it's got a basement. There's a middle part and there's a top part. Got some, you know, blue flags here... on the outside. Those come in handy when... you're trying to identify the color of the base. It's blue. Anyway, that pretty much covers the base. So, anyway, uh, that's it.

Cool.

I'm Church. I'm the leader. Everybody looks up to me. Pretty much the only rule for rookies on the blue team is don't kill the leader. That's me.

That's it?

That's it.

Sounds easy.

Yeah, well... we're still waiting for someone to follow that rule. So anyway, tell me about yourself. What's your training?

Training?

Yeah, what have you been told so far?

Oh, right. That's the base, and you're the leader, and I shouldn't kill you. Ever. [Pause] Did I pass?

No, I mean what kind of military training do you have? Uhh, Weapons?

Uhh those sound violent.

Operations?

I don't even know how that works.

Communications?

Say What?!

Intelligence?

Uhhh... Huh?

Oh, great...

Yeah, sorry, doesn't sound like I have the skills you need. Unless you want to see my ping-pong ball trick.

Yeah... Wait, what?

And this is Tucker.

Sup.

Hey.

Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.

I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.

I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?

Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.

Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-

Blarg.

Oh cool! You have a dog?

Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.

Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?

Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!

I thought about having a kid once.

Oh, really? It's a lot of work.

Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?

Heh, yeah... Wait, what?

Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.

[whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?

Caboose, what did I tell you?

That there are no regular girls.

Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.

What do I tell her?

Well, I already know the rule.

I hate that stupid rule!

Go show her Doc and Sheila.

The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.

You know, I was really wishing that would take longer. And further away.

Who's the black one?

The black one?

Yeah, the one in the black armor! The one standing right behind you guys.

The black one! Yeah. [pause] Wait, what?

Yup, that's the hole all right.

That's what I told you!

Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!

Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.

Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!

Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

RETREAT!

Ahh!

Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!

Who is that?

That's Tex.

Whoa! He's a badass!

[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.

He's kinda hot.

Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.

Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.

[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]

Are you seriously asking that question right now?

The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.

You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.

Why is she shooting at us?

How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Well, go out there and tell her to stop!

Yeah... I'll get right on that.

Aren't you like, the leader, or something?

Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.

Awesome!

Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]

She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.

[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.

Nice recon work.

I'm gonna go get my body back.

Yeah, good idea.

Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?

Dude, I don't even know what that means.

Freeze! Nobody move!

We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."

Shut up!

Whatever.

Tex, what is your problem?

My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.

Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.

You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.

Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.

Typical..

Who's O'Malley?

Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.

Sounds scary.

Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.

Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching

Okay, never mind.

None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?

Who's the girl?

What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.

You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?

Oh... um...

Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.

You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.

Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.

Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!

Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.

Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.

Oh, why not?

Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.

Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!

If only we knew somebody Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kind of dumb. So we could fool them into betraying that trust... for our purposes... [Tucker and Church turn to Caboose]

Hey... Everyone is looking at me... I love when they do that! Hi, everybody!

I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.

Yup. So what do you think?

I... think she seems like there's something wrong.

That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!

I'm a medic, what do you want from me?

How 'bout fixing her?

Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.

What a shitty medical school.

Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!

That's Notre Dame.

Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -

Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

Reboot her?

Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.

I don't think that'll work.

Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -

Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.

We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.

It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

Just smooth talk her!

Uh, I don't know how to do that.

Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!

I don't know...

It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.

Pardon me?

Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]

[Pause] I see your point.

Go ahead.

Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]

Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!

Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.

Interrupt what?

Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.

[Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.

What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]

Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]

Ow! What is going on around here?

I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.

So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]

What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?

No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.

Oh, well in that case-

Forget it. Deal's done.

Dammit.

Um, how should I distract Sheila?

Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.

I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.

So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.

I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?

Please! You call this working?

See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.

Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.

Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.

What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?

She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.

Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?

Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.

Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.

If we set up a hard-line, yeah, I bet we could do it.

CHURCH, WAIT!

Huh?

Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!

Tucker, what? What is it?

I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.

How did you even hear that?

Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.

You can't just show up here and start bossing people around, Tex. Bossing people around is my job. I put in the time.

I had to leave. I found Wyoming.

Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?

I filetracked him back to O'Malley, but by the time that York and I got there... (interrupted by Church)

York? Your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?

She was already dead.

And what about Bermuda?

That's not a state dumbass!

Portland?

Shut up!

But he still had Delta.

Delta? The AI? How? I thought they took them... Wait a minute, wait a minute... How was he even still alive? Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

I thought it was because of his armour. You know all the freelancer suits had some kind of enhancement.

Right! Like your invisibility.

And horrible meanness.

No dude, that's all natural.

York's was some kind of healing mechanism. It would help him recover from wounds in battle. I thought it might have kept him alive all these years. But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded logs from his helmet. There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people working against us.

Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

He didn't. Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away. One second he was there and the next he was gone.

What about the second after that?

Can I kill him, please?

No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food. So... Wyoming's armor lets him teleport.

I don't think so. I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

How's that possible? The only technology I know that could do that is... (pause) Wait a minute... Each freelancer had enhanced suit of armour and AI, right?

Right.

Right....

Your armour was invisibility, and your A.I. was Omega?

Right.

Wrong. Oops, missed that one! Could we go back?

Who was Wyoming's AI?

Gamma.

(Sigh) I got to make a phone call.

Hello.

Hello, this is Church, Gary. Or should I call you Gamma? Have you been lying to us?

Lying is such a shisno concept. I mean human concept.

You're a computer, I thought computers can`t lie.

They can if they are programmed to lie.

Were you programmed to lie?

(pause) ...No.

God damn it!

I have to go, Church.

Wait! What about the aliens? How do we... (interupted by Gary)

Goodbye.

Do they know?

It is nothing to worry about. We are close to the end. We will not be stopped now.

We should get going. Hop in.