Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

Hello! Ringy-ding. Blue Base, come in. Hello.

Wha? Hello? Vic, is that you?

Hey dude, how's it going? Been a while since we spoke.

Why're you calling me?

Everything been going good, yeah that's great, listen don't have much time to talk. Ah... Been discussing things here at Blue Command. We think everything is bad and... now is the time to attack the red base. Turns out the red troops are up to no good and someone needs to kill them. A good way to do that might be to send some people to the caves. Yeah... Take them by surprise. Anyway, can't talk gotta go see you hasta la vista.

Wait. [agitated] Why do people keep hanging up on me?!!

What about me? Can I get lost too?

No, Caboose. I need you to stay here and watch Shiela.

Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her altogether.

Oh, that would be bad.

Riiiiight. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

Well, I suppose I could always-

Shut up. That was rhetorical.

Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Tucker he's only three days old.

Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers: Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Tucker let's go!

Okay, little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Blarg Chicka honk honk.

Huh. I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Teach? You don't teach that. Thats just genetic.

(through the sniper scope) I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Uh, what do you see?

(annoyed) I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

(whiny) Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Oh, yeah, boo hoo. All you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?

Can I use the sword?

Oh, hell yes!

Fine, here.

Oh kickass! [They swap weapons.] Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

OW!

What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Oops! That was an accident.

We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass! [Tucker sees Tex approaching them through the scope.] They're gonna hear us, gimme it back!

Um, yeah, okay take it back.

I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these years. Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Asshole!

I told him to be careful with that thing. He's just not very good with it.

Looks like the reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?

I suppose so. I guess that means we have two bases in the middle of a box canyon.

Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo.

Yeah! Caboose came though. See that, Wyoming? Now we have our tank. Booya, motherfucker!

Mwhawhawha! Your tank?

Knock knock, Church.

Aw, crap. Is it just me or does something dramatic happen like every five minutes? I can not be the only person who notices this.

Firing main cannon.

Church! I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!

It's the idiot! Take care of him.

Right.

Caboose! No! Stay back! Don't get near the tank! (Gary opens fire on Caboose) tank-!

Uuuggaah!!!

Caboose! NOOOOOO!

And I have your word that none of them will be hurt? (O'Malley laughs menacingly)

Tex get away from him!

Booyeah!

NO! Dammit, Church!

Awesome! I'm like a fuckin' Jedi! Aw fuck you're both dead.

Ow, the back of my lower legs!

Ow, the side of my head!

The back of my face!

The front of my front!

Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!

(sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!

I told you to disable the ship, not destroy it!

Sarge

Oh yeah, well, score one for the Red team I guess.

What about my kid?!

Sarge

Oh, right, score two.

Freeze, blue!

Simmons?

Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!

(Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!

Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!

Sarge

(Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.

(As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!

Oh right...

Sarge

Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose. We be having a prisoner for you, we do.

I thought you had a pirate accent?

Sarge

Argh, I'm not very consistent. Yarg!

Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.

Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.

Hey what's up,

Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?

Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.

What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.

Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.

Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?

New Church is my new best friend now.

I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.

Caboose, what happened?

Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.

I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?

She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.

FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?

HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!

Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.

(Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-

Sarge

Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!

Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

We're here, is anyone hurt...

...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!

I know that laugh. Nobody move!

You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...

Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?

Church run!

Tex DON'T!

You have no idea how much trouble you are in

Church...

Yeah?

You ever wonder why we're here?

You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.

...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?

Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.