Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call command....Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place to Doc

Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?

What?

Honk?

I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

Take your time. This is a big moment.

Blarg.

I don't have time for this right now

Honk.

Shut up you're disgusting

Doc, what is Vic's number?

What for?

For reinforcements. Wait, unless you've had, like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes?

Uh, nope.

Then, yeah, reinforcements.

Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.

That doesn't count.

I don't know, it was a real doozy... Number 2.

Doc, Focus! Vic's number, what is it?!

C'mon, Church! Everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

Oh, right. Vic's jingle

"If you want to talk, don't e-mail, and don't you click-click-click-click, just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K!"

You know, it probably would've been more memorable if it rhymed...or if his name actually ended with a "K".

Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.

Honk!

And do me a favor, kill that fucking thing, would you?

Blarg.

Hey dude.

Vic, hey. This is Church. I need -

This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K diddly-do. I'm not in the casito right now so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta.

Hey Vic, this is Church. I need to-

You have reached the voice mail system.

[sighs] Okay, okay, come on.

To leave a message, just wait for the tone.

I know how to leave a goddamn message.

When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.

Really. Hang up. No shit. I was just gonna keep talking until he decided check his voice mail.

For delivery options, press five.

Just give me the damn beep!

To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six,-

Come on!

To repeat this message, press nine.

I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!

To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.

THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!

Oooh language.

To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.

I HATE YOUUU!

Vic, it's Church. I need -

I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full.

Urgh... I'm gonna kill myself, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down -

No, it's not. Look! Caboose is already back in action!

[wanders out of Blue base] I'm okay! I'm okay! [falls down] I'm not okay!

He's fine.

Also, I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Oh, and I forgot that part. The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile. [pauses] Awesome.

Doc, I don't think this situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but god knows what kind of reinforcements they have on that thing! It could be a whole new squad, or a freelancer, or -

Grif's Sister?!

Yeah! Isn't it cool?

See him there? Right there? The yellow one.

[aiming sniper rifle] The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

The other yellow one. Dumbass.

Oh, that new yellow person - oh, yes, of course, yes. Ah... he looks very scary, yes, and I know that because I'm looking right at him, right now, yes, he's yellow, yes, this is very interesting.

[sighs] You don't even see him do you?

Yeah, I - I don't even know how to use this thing.

Yellow armor? What does yellow armor mean? Is it like some kinda... special ops guy, or... man, this can't be good for us.

What if it's a new gun?

What?! Why am I even talking to you? It's a person! In yellow armor! We already established that!

Oh. Uh, maybe they got their own medic!

A medic? Caboose, we are not that lucky.

See? My suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur..

Honk...

...ple!

Honk!

Great! Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. He's probably trained in...knives or...ball-kicking or something.

Maybe he's an alien!

An alien that looks just like the rest of us!?

And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Why are you even here? It would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better!

Blulululula. BluluLULUla.

Well, look who's awake.

What the fuck happened?

Well, as you may remember, you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from-

Can I get the short version, please?

Yeah. Ya got knocked up, ya got knocked out.

Oh yeah. I gotta start working out. Lose this baby weight.

Yeah, you know we- we should all start working out, you know especially some of us.

Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Are you guys talking about me?

We, ah, didn't want to say anything.

Yeah. That's why we said something...fatty!

Hey, back off guys! I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Where did you carry us, to the buffet?

He said it.

What are you guys doing up here, anyway? And what's that huge thing?

That's Church.

He means the ship, Caboose!!

He said it.

So, this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Uh, what do I do?

Why are you asking me?

I don't know how to be a dad! This isn't the way I planned it!

You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

No, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every week and send checks to some woman I hate.

It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my mom.

Ask him if he likes baseball.

It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Ask him if he likes t-ball.

Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they can seduce them and impregnate them. So let's start with that. You know, common ground.

Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you!

(annoyed) Caboose!

Yeah, this is bullshit.

Ask for something else.

Uh, we want something else!

What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Got any money?

Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.

Don't do me any favors, bitch.

What else was on the ship?

What do you mean?

Y'know like guns or weapons...

Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.

Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Woo-hoo!

God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!

No take backs!

Oh, what the fuck?!

[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!

Who's gone?

Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!

What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Oh, calm down.

Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?

Dude, I've had about all the cross-species babies I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around with a 130 millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

Don't talk about my kid like that!

What's your deal?

I don't know, I think I'm kind of getting into this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. [shudders] Ugh!