Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

Any questions?

If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?

Ann

Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes?

But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.

Ann

Right. [turns to someone else]

What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.

Ann

Oh boy. [turns to someone else]

How do we know you're really a nurse?

Ann

I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's.

Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number so he can have it.

Ann

Yeah that's not gonna happen.

Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.

Ann

Oh my God. No!

I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Ann

That's not a good idea.

Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant]

Ann

[to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week.

Leslie

I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than usual!

Leslie

Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their bodies? Right everybody?

Is Shoelace here!? Where's Shoelace!?

Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver?

Everybody! Check under your seats!

Leslie

Denver you little son of a bitch.

Leslie

It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.

Jerry

I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle many times.

Leslie

Whatever.

Leslie

They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Ron

What's going on?

April

You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.

Ron

...Well it's about time.

Leslie

I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake.

Ron

[sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake!?

Leslie

I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give that award to women.

Ron

Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter.

Leslie

Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project.

Ron

Ah yes Camp Xena.

Leslie

Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name.

Ron

Well I almost got it. I was pretty close.

Leslie

No.

Leslie

How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take care of that did you?

Ron

Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.

Leslie

That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.

Ron

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Leslie

Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements. What do you have Ron!?

Ron

I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Leslie

Dorothy Everton Smyth! I swear to God...

Ron

Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.

Leslie

You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Elise Yarktin

The media has all but written us off as a niche interest group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as yourself well then eventually people take notice.

Ron

I don't want the damn thing.

Elise Yarktin

Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take it...like a man. So congratulations!

Leslie

The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?

Elise Yarktin

Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.

Leslie

Ugh get over yourself Elise.

Ron

Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.

Leslie

Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.

We'll get to it first thing Monday.

Leslie

Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.

Andy

We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Leslie

Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.

That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.

Tom

Isn't that them there?

Nope.

Tom

Yo Brett!

Yo!

Dude!

Leslie

Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?

Okay!

What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?

Leslie

Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.

Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.

Leslie

...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?

No!

Leslie

No.

He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.

Leslie

Ew.

Leslie

Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?

Jerry

Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

Leslie

Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?

Joan Callamezzo

That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that again! This is Pawnee Fucking Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.

Leslie

Yes ma'am.

Leslie

Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.

I thought you were dead, Clarence.

No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.

Screw you, you old coot.

Classic David. You're worse than Ron.

Ron

Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.

Leslie

OK great, let's go!