Joan Callamezzo quotes from Parks and Recreation

Joan Callamezzo

So Marcia what's all this fuss about?

Marcia

The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.

Joan Callamezzo

Miss Knope, how do you respond?

Leslie

I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.

Joan Callamezzo

I have to say that that stunt that you did with the penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss Knope do to make it right?

Marcia

Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.

Joan Callamezzo

Of course not.

Marcia

We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and then resign.

Leslie

[sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?

Marcia

Move to a different town! No, I kid.

Joan Callamezzo

That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that again! This is Pawnee Fucking Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.

Leslie

Yes ma'am.

Leslie

I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.

Joan

In what way?

Leslie

In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.

Joan

After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?

Leslie

Pawnee!

Joan

We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!

Leslie

Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!

Joan

When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.

Ben

...That never happened.

Tom

So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?

Joan

Santino and I are actually divorcing.

Tom

Oh...

Joan

It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

Ben

That's a...powerful metaphor...

Joan

Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things... if you know what I mean.

Ben

Is she going to powder her vagina?

Tom

So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.

Ben

Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

Joan

[drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.

Brandi Maxxxx

I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is having sex with men and women on camera.

Joan Callamezzo

Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.

Ben

Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los Angeles not a wine.

Joan

Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?

Ben

No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.

Joan

WHAT!?

Joan

[Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...

Ben

Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.