Jamm quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.

Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're Zuko.

Chris

[To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty!

You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.

Leslie

Oh...

You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.

Leslie

You want to be Lex Luthor?

Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich.

Leslie

Well okay. I can't argue with that.

Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going for but I dig your gambit.

Leslie

There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.

I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.

Leslie

I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home.

Deal guys. You must really want that park.

Leslie

I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best friend. [talking about Ann]

That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.

Leslie

...

Leslie

A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it is time to tear down this wall!

Leslie

In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away guys!

Leslie

It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the hole] BEES! BEES! NOBODY PANIC!

Craig

[running away] OHHH NOOO!

AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!

[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!

Andy

[shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!

Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go there for me? Some dirty mags?

Leslie

No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain!

Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang.

Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.

Leslie

These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.

Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm.

Excuse me Mike, that's best friend.

Leslie

Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who!

Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!?

Leslie

Mine! It was my idea!

You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. And I for one am sick of it.

Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.

Leslie

Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.

I missed you too.

Leslie

I didn't even get a chance to say my plan!

Your plan? You know who else had a plan?

Leslie

Please don't say Hitler-

Adolf Hitler!

Leslie

So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that.

Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.

Leslie

I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You love Porsches and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card.

Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right!

Oh God!

Leslie

Oh boy...

Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought so!

Leslie

Well...

[Crying] Oh God! Oh God!

Leslie

Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken you! You need to get away from her!

Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!

Leslie

Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh?

[whispering] Do it!

Ron

There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!

Tammy Two

Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies?

Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up.

Tammy Two

Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to you?

They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.

Tammy Two

[In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby!

Leslie

We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?

I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY!

Leslie

Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible...

It's over Tammy.

Tammy Two

Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight!?

Tammy Two

Huh? Let's do it!

Ron

Oh ho ho and the last card is played!

Leslie

What are you doing!?

Shhh! This is a library!

Leslie

Do you see what's happening here!?!

Ron I need that crotch blinder!

Ron

No you don't! Just end it!

Tammy Two

Look at my boobs.

No!

Tammy Two

Look downstairs.

No!

Tammy Two

There's a prize inside for you.

It's over Tammy.

Tammy Two

What!?

To Hell with you woman. Goodbye!

Tammy Two

HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!

Ron

Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.

Tammy Two

COME ON EVERYBODY! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!