Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

Ron

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.

Ron

On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love what's the point of living?

Ron

So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?

Ron

Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined you could come by and shoot me in the head.

Ron

Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

Ron

April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Ron

I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.

Ron

I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Ron

I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor. Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage. Poise. Property rights. Fish: for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Ron

I like Andy. I'm surrounded by a lot of women in this department...and that includes the men.

Ron

My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay, and if I am, she tries to fuck everything up.

Ron

[on the tape] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that, once again, you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices. One, get rid of Tammy. Or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely, you stupid fuck.

Ron

I couldn't care less about the commendation but Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there.

Ron

They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse...I should've been here. What happened to the steaks that were in there when they closed? [tearing up] ...Do you think they got eaten?