Jerry quotes from Parks and Recreation

Jerry

There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

Jerry

When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because Pawnee needs me.

Jerry

Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.

Mark

That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.

Donna

Oh snap!

Jerry

What?

Mark

You didn't know that, huh?

Jerry

...I didn't know I was adopted...

Jerry

For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma—

Tom

You said "murinal!"

Jerry

No, I didn't.

Ann

Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry

Anyway, she—

April

Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom

Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

Jerry

...Just wanted to show you my art...

Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie

Disqualified!

Jerry

It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town—

Tom

[from other room] No one cares! At all!

Ron

Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.

Here here!

Leslie

And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.

Tom

Ron your toast sucked.

Leslie

Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.

Tom

Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie

Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark

He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie

You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!

Tom

It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

Jerry

You think someone is hunting us?

Tom

Man is the most dangerous game.

Donna

For the Predator!

Tom

I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.

Leslie

That was pine trees.

Donna

The predator can see heat.

Tom

We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

Leslie

It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.

Jerry

I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle many times.

Leslie

Whatever.

Tom

Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?

Jerry

Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife.

Tom

Jerry get out.

Leslie

Why didn’t you just tell everybody the truth?

Jerry

Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

Leslie

Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What’d you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?

Ron

So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.

Ann

I don't even work in this building.

Ron

Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.

Jerry

[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?

Ron

No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.

Tom

Leslie! Go home. You're sick.

Leslie

I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on guys just let me in there!

Jerry

No you can't come in here. Leslie you look tired and you're all sweaty.

Leslie

You look tired and you're all sweaty all the time! What's your excuse?! You wanna go there Jerry!?

Jerry

...No.

Ron

Tammy and I are in love and we're gonna start a family together. In fact, she's ovulating so if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.

Jerry

Wow! Where ya going?

Leslie

Jerry!

Ron

We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.

Tammy Two

We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40 pound bag of peanuts for energy.

Leslie

Oh God!

Leslie

I am so proud of all of you! You've worked so hard, you're amazing! So I have a surprise. And it is possibly the best thing to potentially ever happen to anyone anywhere in the history of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, the world famous Li'l Sebastian!

Ron

Well done Leslie! Well done!

Leslie

Li'l Sebastian made his debut at the last Harvest Festival in 1987 and he was an instant phenomenon. For the next few years, Sebastian was the number one boys name in Pawnee...and the number three girl's name!

Ben

So what am I missing? What's the deal with this pony?

Tom

He's not a pony Ben! He's a mini horse, there's a big difference.

Ben

Well then why is he so famous? Does he do something? What does he do?

Ron

Son, this horse has an honorary degree from Notre Dame.

Leslie

We all need to be very careful. Okay remember, this little guy is 25 now. And he has cataracts in both eyes. He has severe arthritis. Jerry's going to look after him.

Jerry

Yes I am. We are on the same diabetes medication. Are you my Glucotrol buddy!? Are you!?

Leslie

Isn't it amazing!

Ben

Yeah I just gotta be honest. I don't know what the big deal is.

...

Leslie

Get out!

Jerry

[referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.

Tom

Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.

Jerry

For the last time--

April

Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.

Andy

Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?

April

Ron, can you tell Andy--

Ron

Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?

Andy

[to April] I do love you, you know.

April

You do?

Andy

Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

Chris

I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!

Tom

This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.

Donna

What is this in here? Saffron?

Chris

Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!

I love the umami flavor.

Jerry

Stop being so pretentious Kyle!

Sorry.

Ron

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.

Chris

Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.

Tom

Never mind this is better!

Donna

Way better!

Jerry

Mmmmm Mmmhmm!

Andy

...Kyle?

...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.

Andy

Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!

Ron

Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.

Chris

I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.

Yay!