Donna quotes from Parks and Recreation

Donna

Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinny Legs Magee, I’ll tell you that much.

Donna

I would like to address the goofy-looking, dirty kimono wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room. If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message: You used to be a man! You need to get your house in order! Look, I love you like a brother, but right now I hate you! Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!

Donna

Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base.

Donna

We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.

Donna

Do I look like I drink water?

Donna

The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which is bad.

Donna

Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He is like a giant puppy with no shame.

Donna

The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that flatware.

Donna

Hey. Why are you all dolled up?

Leslie

Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something...

Donna

Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.

Leslie

Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!

Jerry

Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.

Mark

That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.

Donna

Oh snap!

Jerry

What?

Mark

You didn't know that, huh?

Jerry

...I didn't know I was adopted...

Leslie

Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.

Tom

Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie

Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark

He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie

You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!

Tom

It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

Jerry

You think someone is hunting us?

Tom

Man is the most dangerous game.

Donna

For the Predator!

Tom

I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.

Leslie

That was pine trees.

Donna

The predator can see heat.

Tom

We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

You ready to order?

Donna

Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap.

Leslie

I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please.

How do you want that cooked?

Leslie

Medium Roar.

Medium rare?

Leslie

No, medium roar.

For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats anymore.

Tom

Can't believe these things are healthy.

Andy

It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.

Donna

No they're not.

Andy

Yeah they actually have rice in them so...

Donna

Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.

Jean-Ralphio

What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

Donna

I'm out.

Tom

Why?!

Donna

I hate that guy.

Donna

Hey what ever happened to you and the bionic man?

Ann

Chris? He broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it.

Donna

I've done that to multiple men. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?

Ann

Thank you so much for asking! It's been tough. Yeah. Two days ago I was sobbing at a pizza buffet and they asked me to leave. Been looking at some dog adoption websites. Bought $700 worth of candles from Anthropologie. Did this [shows her dyed red streak] to my hair. You know, your basic bottoming out kind of stuff.

Donna

Yeah...Normally people tell you to talk about your problems. I'm going to recommend you bottle that noise up.

Ann

...That's what my mailman said.