Ann Perkins quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ann

Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine Restrepo?

Ann

When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Ann

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!

Ann

Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em.

Ann

I could leave. I could, but I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, dammit! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE!

Ann

I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me...that came out wrong.

Ann

Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!

Mark

Hey hi there! What are you doing here?

Ann

Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?

Mark

Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a game that we're playing.

Ann

...My taxes pay your salary right?

Mark

Yeah...

Ann

Cool.

Ann

And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."

Leslie

Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?

Ann

Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.

Leslie

What about like a sexy hat?

Ann

I don't know what that even is.

Leslie

Helping already!

Leslie

Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?

Ann

Shoot!

Leslie

What if he asks me if I've been married?

Ann

Have you!?

Leslie

No.

Ann

Well then say that.

Leslie

But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?

Ann

Whoa.

Leslie

What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!

Ann

Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-

Leslie

I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something Ann! It never works!

Ann

No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.

Leslie

Ohhh! That's a way better idea!

Ann

You're 20 minutes late, I almost left!

Leslie

Okay. I was uh, dropping my niece off.

Ann

What's your niece's name?

Leslie

Torple. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece...My niece's name is Stephanie?

Leslie

What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Ann

Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.

Leslie

They have happened. All of these have happened to me.

Leslie

Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

Ann

You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.

Leslie

Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is blank.

Ann

Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.

Leslie

How big is it?

Ann

...Really!?

Leslie

Oh my God.

Ann

Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.

Leslie

Well well well, you coy bastard.